


Front Lines

by DemonBanisher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Dancing, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Letters, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders, Pining, Slow Burn, War, World War II, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 68,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24190396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher
Summary: Alternate Universe fanfiction. After Hogwarts, Sirius, James, and Peter all enlist to fight in the Second World War despite it being a Muggle conflict. Upon arriving with their new unit, they meet Remus Lupin (who never attended Hogwarts), nicknamed 'The Wolf'. Who is this mysterious stranger? And can the friends make it out alive and back home together?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 88
Kudos: 121





	1. Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is a brand new fic that I'm really excited about! I'm hoping to update it at least twice a week! That schedule might change as I continue writing so I'll do my best to put updates at the start or end of every chapter. Comment, feedback, and kudos always welcome!

I’m going away for a long time, Sirius thought. Maybe forever even. He realized he should say we are going away: James, Peter and I. They enlisted with him. They’d been talking about it on and off for a while. Neither James or Sirius knew much about Muggles being from pure-blooded families but it was impossible to ignore what was happening. The bombings, the raids, the tightening on supplies and rationing. It was all happening as much to us as it was to them. Sirius knew a lot of the pure blood families liked to think of magic from separate from everyone else, as superior in some way. They don’t realize how connected everyone is to one another. How intricately woven together they are. How they have our own secret worlds, but they are all built and designed around Muggles. Muggles made cars and then we just learned how to enchant them. In fact, in many ways they made things better sometimes. Sirius remembered the first time someone showed him a pen, he imagined it was exactly what it must have felt like for a muggle born. They may not have had magic, but there was something magical about them in their own way. Besides villains were the same regardless of background. They preyed on the weak and the different. They believed in their own superiority and would do whatever it takes to prove it. Often than meant heinous, senseless acts of violence. 

James had wanted to enlist for precisely this reason. His family had always been good and noble. Though James could be a bit of a bully himself during his time at Hogwarts, he’d surprised Sirius with how much he’d matured in the last few years. The way he’d become more adult, more rational, more caring. Sirius knew he shouldn’t, but sometimes he missed the carefree recklessness of their youth. Not that his youth was without cares. He was always checking over his shoulder for the next blow. Maybe that’s why he wanted to enlist, because those who’ve experienced violence often understand it the best. Understand the way it can corrupt and destroy, the way a single blow could change your whole world. But more likely, Sirius was still running from something. The memory of his family, of everything they’d wanted him to be. Even though he’d run away to James’ years ago, he was still haunted by feelings of worthlessness of nothingness. He’d failed at his family’s destiny, so what else could he be? While James was running towards something, Sirius was always running away from something. And Peter, well Sirius was convinced that he’d followed them to the grave no matter what. The more he thought about, the more Sirius realized that might be exactly what he was doing. 

The train jostled aggressively as it left the station. James was up on his feet at the window like so many of the other men were. Sirius knew he was looking for Lily, he wanted to tell him to stop looking, but he secretly hoped she’d come. James had been in love with Lily for years and Sirius thought she was probably ninety-five percent of the reason he decided to grow up and stop being such an asshat sometimes. She had hated James when they all started out during their first year at Hogwarts, but slowly as time went on the hatred wore away and the four of them became really good friends. 

They spent last night at James’ parents place. Just drinking and reveling in the greatest hits of their friendship. No one talked about the fact that James, Peter, and Sirius were shipping out tomorrow. To do so would have been to shatter the veil of normalcy that was draped over the whole evening, where the reality of warfare seemed so far away, and they felt like the happiness of this night would never end. James had written Lily a letter, Peter and Sirius knew the plan, they were to say their goodbyes and then get out of the way. James wanted one last moment with Lily, and then he gave her the letter and told her she wasn’t allowed to read it until she got back to her flat. It told her how he truly felt about her, how much he loved her (not that it was much of a secret, James was the worst at keeping a poker face), and how he wished he’d said something sooner. He’d put his grandmother’s ring in the envelope as a promise he’d come back, take it from her and one day give it to her for real. The only thing that James had asked of her was that if she felt the same way that she come to the train station to see him off. He’d given her the station address, platform, and the time. But the train was leaving now, and she wasn’t coming. James was about to slump down in his chair defeated when Peter suddenly cried out. 

“James! Look mate!” As he pointed out the window, Sirius and Peter joined him on their feet in a flash and sure enough there, fighting her way through the crowd was the telltale bob of ginger hair. 

“Lily!” James yelled, but the sound was lost through the crowd. Sirius and Peter joined in and when some of the other soldiers who weren’t waving goodbye to loved ones saw what they were doing they started calling out her name too. Soon there was a torrent of them up against the window banging and screaming Lily’s name, trying desperately to get her attention, but the train was picking up speed. She raised her head suddenly in the direction of the carriage, spotting James among the throng of men. Sirius was certain there was no way she’d get there in time. But then the crowd spit her out, and there she was running alongside the train. The soldiers started to whoop and holler, cheering her on and she ran desperately along the platform. She was gaining on them closer and closer. Suddenly, she managed to reach out one hand and grip James fingertips for a moment, but it was enough. Enough for James to make out his grandmother’s ring on her hand. He nodded to her and she let go. Standing on the platform she looked so lonely, a single flame that was slowly going out. She brought her fingers to her lips and blew James a kiss goodbye as he slowly retreated back inside the carriage. The other boys around him all clapped him on the shoulder and congratulated him. James smiled and thanked them for their help, but Sirius could tell he was holding back tears. Damn, who knew leaving could hurt this much?


	2. The Stranger

Next came the weeks of training. James and Peter took to it pretty well. They liked the schedule and order of the military and James was in pretty good shape from all his quidditch practice. In fact, James was quite used to having plays and practice drills yelled at him, so this wasn’t that different for him. He joked slyly with Sirius one night that the military uniform made his butt look better than his quidditch one ever could. He said he couldn’t wait until Lily saw him in it. That was one of the few times James spoke about Lily. Sirius figured he didn’t like to say her name aloud. That it reminded him of how far away she was. James wrote to her constantly at night and Sirius could always tell when she’d written back by the smile that broke across James face. All day he would beam like a 100-watt lightbulb and the worst drill or the most demeaning feedback could do nothing to shatter that grin.

Peter was holding up well too for being so small. Sirius figured the simpler minded boy would have the worst time of all of them, but he was thriving. Peter told Sirius one night he was just glad to have someone to tell him what to do. He said he never really made a plan beyond Hogwarts and that was nice to feel like a part of something again. Sirius had never thought of what the long term might have had in store for Peter after Hogwarts and realized with his lack of brains and awkwardness there likely wasn’t much of a career ahead for that mousey haired boy. He was glad they’d brought Peter along; it would give him a chance to find his place in the world.

Sirius on the other hand was less glad of his decision. The physicality of it didn’t bother him at all. Between Quidditch and his own exercise regime he was in great physical shape, which he liked to remind James of constantly. It was everything else. The first night there, they’d shaved everyone’s head. James had jumped when Sirius had tapped him on the shoulder, not recognizing his own friend. Sirius’ locks had always been a source of pride and defiance for him. He’d grow them out just to piss his mother off and when she’d cut them off, he’d start all over again. After running away the length of his hair served as a testament to the time he’d been able to survive on his own. Like those notches parents make in the trim to show how tall their child had grown. When they’d cut it off, Sirius felt like he’d lost a part of himself, like his strength was coiled up in those curls and it was suddenly gone. This was all before drill training had stared. Every time the sergeant yelled at him it took everything in him not to flinch. All he saw and heard were the voices of Walburga and Orion Black telling him over and over again that he couldn’t do this, that he was useless, that he should just give up now. He’d never been good with authority, not when he knew what authority could do. The way people could use power and warp it to take advantage of others. But he was strong, you had to be to have endured years of abuse and make it out the other side sane. So, Sirius did all he could to push himself through training day in and day out. Until one day, there was no day on the other side. They were finally heading to the front. 

It took them hours to meet up with the platoon that they were joining. Reinforcements for all the men that had been lost. Sirius knew that often times you bore your squadron name in name only, your true squadron became the men you ended up with. Often collected from the remainders of whoever was left. But that wasn’t the kind of thinking that was going to get them anywhere. They marched into the camp in two straight lines, still looking crisp and clean in their uniforms. A battle worn officer, who looked like he hadn’t seen sleep in about six days came up to deliver instructions. 

Sirius tried to listen, but he’d never been much good at that. Even in school James and Peter were always whacking him on the back of the head to keep him awake or stop him from staring off into space at nothing at all. There were lots of men milling around the tents, many were sitting on old crates to avoid the mud that was left over from last night’s rainfall. Others were dozing against piles of sandbags, their metal helmets tipped over their eyes to keep the sun out of their faces. Some were writing letters home, despite not knowing when they’d next see a postman. The severity and the harsh edges of the military training were gone here. There was no need to make sure you could see your face in your boots, as long as they could keep you moving. Men didn’t bother saluting higher ranking officials. I guess when you are fighting to survive you realize which rules need to stay and which ones can be put on hold for a while. Sirius was about to tune back into whatever the officer was saying when something caught his eye.

There sitting on a log that was precariously balanced over the mud was a young soldier who was reading a book like absolutely nothing that was happening around him could bother him. He seemed completely unaware that he was in the middle of a war zone. Sirius tuned out whatever the officer in front of him was saying and caught himself trying to understand who this person was. He was very clearly a soldier, there was no way anyone else would be out in the middle of nowhere like this if he wasn’t and he was wearing a uniform. Though it seemed to hang off of him in all the wrong places, like a young boy who was in his father’s suit. His hair curled softly over his ears, meaning he’d been at the front long enough for most of it to grow back. A half-crumpled cigarette hung out of his mouth, it was barely lit and Sirius was pretty sure he was mostly just burning paper. But none of that was what allured him, the thing that drew Sirius in the most was his scars. Pale white scars, and fresh pink ones that were zig zagging across his exposed arms. It looked like he’d gotten in a wrestling match with barbed wire and lost terribly. But the faded remainder of wounds on his arms paled in comparison to the three scars on his face. The first started at his hairline and ran down over left eye. The second split his right eyebrow in half and came down over the bridge of his nose ending abruptly in the middle of his cheek. The last started on his right cheek and crossed his mouth before ending on his chin, leaving a faint streak of pink across his lips. They looked like claw marks, but no beast Sirius knew could leave marks like that, no beast from the Muggle world anyways. 

“So, you’ve heard of him, have you?” A voice boomed loudly behind Sirius, startling him back to reality. He turned around abruptly to see the officer standing behind him. All the other soldiers had already left to start pitching tents and organizing supplies. Sirius felt his cheeks pink at being caught staring at the stranger. He made a mental note to scold James and Peter well for not dragging him with them when they left. 

“Sorry, sir?” Sirius asked. 

“You’ve heard of him?” The officer repeated.

“No, I just…” Sirius didn’t know what to say. That he found him alluring, mysterious, even attractive? “He just, doesn’t look like he belongs here.”

The officer laughed in a gruff sort of way and clapped Sirius on the shoulder. “That there’s The Wolf.”

“The Wolf?”

“Aye, you heard of him?”

“Can’t say I have, sir.”

“Came from Wales, lord knows how he ended up with this unit. Rumour has it he took out an entire platoon of Nazi fucks,” he said spitting into the mud at the word Nazi. 

“A whole platoon? Sir, that’s upwards of thirty men.” Sirius was sure that couldn’t be possible. Especially, when he was sure he could throw the strange boy like a football if he wanted to. 

“That’s the rumour, but it was before my time here. Most men stay out of his way. He keeps to himself, reads his book. Don’t know how it hasn’t fallen apart or become bullet ridden yet.”

“Sir, is that… is that how he got those scars?”

“No. No one knows where they came from, had them when he enlisted. Had them when he got here. Honestly, I don’t know if I want to know where they came from.” The officer stared over at where the soldier sat before turning his gaze away nervously. Sirius thought he could hear a slight tremor in his voice when he spoke again. “You go get set up now, before it gets dark.”

“Yes sir,” Sirius managed, but as he walked away, he threw one last look over his shoulder. The stranger had looked up from his book and stared directly into Sirius’ eyes. He felt a shiver run down his spine as he hurried to find James and Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm moving along with this a bit faster than I'd hoped! Thinking I'll aim to have the next chapter out in two days!


	3. The Wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius catches up with the gang and it turns out Peter has heard something of The Wolf's history.

“Hey, you fucking twats,” Sirius called throwing a few pebbles at James and Peter. “How about you don’t leave me standing in the middle of a field next time you go off to do something?”

“My bad Pads, you looked like you were enjoying the view,” James smirked turning his attention back to the tent he was failing miserably to pitch. 

Sirius was pissed but it was hard to stay mad at James when he used his nickname. Shortly after Sirius had moved in the with the Potters, James had noticed their supply of biscuits was dwindling incredibly fast. No one would own up to who was taking them. One night, James organized a stakeout and caught Sirius creeping down the hallway. James couldn’t stay mad at him when he explained he hadn’t had sweets at home in years but was worried he’d get in trouble if he asked for another serving. Instead, James had just taken to calling him Padfoot, for how silently he was able to slip in and out of rooms. Of course, once Sirius knew he had this ability he’d taken to creeping into a room and standing as close as possible to James without him knowing so that when Sirius did speak James would spill his tea everywhere. 

In turn Sirius had started calling James Prongs for how damn headstrong he was. Always diving himself into another conversation with Lily, when she had she had wanted nothing to do with him. Always bursting into the middle of a conversation and demanding to know what they were talking about. Sirius, always inept with metaphors, had only been able to explain the phenomenon by saying that James was like a deer trying to get through a doorway, his antlers kept getting stuck, but instead of trying another way he just kept ramming the door, hoping for a different result. Thus, the name Prongs was born, from a place of teasing, but also a place of love, as most nicknames are. 

Finally, Peter had gotten stuck with the name Wormtail. His nickname’s origin story was much less graceful. He’d somehow managed to trip and fall headfirst into a sinkhole on the grounds in their second year. All that was left above the surface were his little feet kicking and wailing. Like true friends, James and Sirius had collapsed to the ground in laughter for a solid fifteen minutes before helping their friend. His chubby pink legs flailing in the air looked exactly like an earthworm to the two boys. Once they’d finally managed to drag him back out of the earth, they made sure to never let him live down the humiliation by sticking him with that nickname. 

“It’s alright, just this soldier caught my eye. Did you guys see him? He was sitting on a log reading. Had these nasty scars on his face and all over his arms.” Sirius asked.

“Can’t say I did,” James said pausing to wipe some sweat from his forehead. “Why?”

“I don’t know, there was just something odd about him. That officer, the one who was giving all the instructions.”

“Captain Blair?” James said, rolling his eyes at Sirius’ inability to remember such important information as the name of the person in charge of you.

“Yeah, him. Said they call The Wolf.”

“The Wolf?” Peter squeaked, proceeding to drop the string he had been holding taunt causing the whole tent to come crashing down. The boys founded their way out from under the canvas and James shot Peter a dirty look, Peter blushed, and the three of them started from scratch with the tent. This time with Sirius pitching in the process went much faster. 

“You heard of him Pete?” Sirius asked, as he drove a stake into the ground.

Peter nodded and swallowed like a cartoon character when he saw the villain. “Course, everyone knows the legend of The Wolf.”

“Enlighten me,” Sirius said, curious to learn anything about this boy that he could. 

“Well, the stories say he came from Wales. He got to the military with those nasty scars already all over him. There’s lots of stories about where they came from. Some people say he managed to wrestle a bear and win. Others say his father was a butcher and would punish him every time he messed up an order. The darkest stories say he did it to himself, something about him getting off on pain.” James shuddered slightly at this idea, but Sirius thought he understood. When the only form of affection someone ever shows you is to beat or hit you, in some sick way you come to crave it in the same way a child would crave a hug. At least, if they hit you, it shows that they care enough to remember that you’re still there. That they haven’t forgotten about you completely. Pain was awful, but apathy was somehow worse. 

“Anyways,” Peter continued, “He came from Wales, supposedly he was out with his squadron and they were ambushed. They were completely unprepared, and they were getting slaughtered. Somehow out of nowhere, out comes this scrawny boy, but he looks completely changed. People say it was like he grew an extra three feet and gained an extra twenty pounds in muscle. Most of his fellow soldiers knew him as quiet and mild mannered, but suddenly he was feral. He ran at the Germans and just dove into their bunker. The sound of gunfire died out after a while, and any of the survivors were sure that he was dead. That something in him had just snapped and he’d decided to sacrifice himself to save whoever he could, but all the sudden they heard something that sounded like a howl and they could hear these awful noises, like the ripping of flesh. There were screams of terror and pain until suddenly there was one last long howl, piercing through the night and then silence. The remaining squadron members kept low until dawn, not sure if any Germans were looking for sudden movements to open fire again. After all, there was a full platoon in that bunker, there was no way one soldier could have survived on his own.”

“But he did?” Sirius said, completely enraptured by this story. Trying to reconcile everything he was hearing with the gentle looking boy on the log. 

Peter nodded slowly, “Yep, shortly after dawn he came out of the bunker, covered in blood from head to toe. They figured once he ran out of ammo he must of grabbed a bayonet and just went wild. He was pretty beat up, so they got him out of there and to a field hospital as soon as they could. The stories started to spread pretty soon after that. All the men he’d saved were pretty grateful, but I guess they couldn’t reconcile that with the violence that had occurred. It takes a certain type of person to be able to kill so many people like that from so close. Once he’d recovered, he must have decided it was better for everyone if he didn’t stay. He applied for a transfer shortly after that, supposedly has moved around quite a bit since then. But no one forget the piercing howl they’d heard, someone started calling him The Wolf and the name just stuck.”

Sirius stood up after finishing staking and tying down their last post. He chewed on his lip thoughtfully, and went to brush his hair behind his ears, once again shocked by its absence. 

“Pete there’s no way he could have done it. I saw him today, he didn’t look like a killer, hell he barely looked like a soldier.”

Pete shrugged, as he tossed his pack on the ground and curled up to rest his head on it. “That’s what everyone in his squadron thought too.”

Sirius knew Peter was probably right, after all it’s often the softest people who carry the most violent histories. Didn’t it then make sense that the quietest boy would carry a monster inside of him?

“Did he have a name? I mean before The Wolf?”

“Yeah sure,” Pete said not bothering to open his eyes. “Remus Lupin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to maybe move updates to every other day now!  
> Please leave me a comment or kudos with your thoughts to how the story is coming along so far.


	4. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius tries to get Remus to talk to him. Spoiler Alert it doesn't go too well.

“Watcha reading?” Sirius asked sitting down on the log next to Remus. The added weight disrupted its gentle balance and they were both almost launched in the air. Remus ignored him keeping his eyes trained firmly on the novel in front of him. Sirius cocked his head tried to get a good look at the front cover in order to see the title.

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to bother someone when they’re reading?” Remus grumbled still refusing to raise his eyes to look at the stranger.

“All I ever learned from my mother was how many hits it takes before someone blacks out.” Sirius said with the joking lilt he always used to cover up his pain when talking about his family. Remus flinches slightly at the weight of his confession. 

“Sorry your mum was such a massive bitch.”

Sirius laughs and continues to look at Remus who suddenly realizes that the persistent visitor isn’t going to go away.

“What? You want an autograph?” Remus said as he closed his book in frustration, keeping a finger inside to mark the page. 

“What are you the queen?” Sirius smirked.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“You’re new here,” Remus said. “Figured one of your little friends set you up to go talk to The Wolf. See if he really is the big bad. Maybe try and figure out where those scars came from.”

“Well now,” Sirius smiled, glad he’d gotten under the boy’s skin. “Maybe not everything is about you Remus.”

“That’s Lieutenant Lupin to you,” Remus said opening the book again in an effort to end the conversation.

Sirius stood up and held out his hand. “Private Black at your service.” He stopped awkwardly and remembering his training gave a salute. 

“Don’t have to do that out here Private, unless you want to put a fucking target on my back. As long as you know whose orders to follow that’s all that matters to me.”

Sirius put his hand down sheepishly and Remus tried to hide a smile that he’d managed to get the upper hand in the situation. Sirius stood there for a moment longer, as if waiting for Lupin to say something else, but he didn’t. As he walked away he made a silent promise to get the bottom of who this stranger truly was once and for all.


	5. Letters I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily write to each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So sorry it's been so long since I updated! I've dived into a couple projects at once and am working to make time for all of them.

Dear Lily,   
I miss you something terrible. I keep that kiss you blew me on the train station in my pocket for whenever I need a reminder of home. 

Things here have been slow for now, but there’s this feeling of impending dread floating around everyone. Peter and I have been keeping ourselves occupied by watching Sirius’ latest antics. He’s become obsessed with one of our Lieutenants, he’s a bit of an urban legend, everyone here calls him The Wolf. Legend has it he took out a whole platoon by himself, but he’s a pretty scrawny whip of a boy, I’m not sure about that or if someone came up with the story to improve morale. 

Anyways, Sirius has been following him around like a dog. Trying to sit next to him whenever they are having a meal and constantly trying to bother him when he’s reading. I think he’s running out of ways to force a conversation between the two of them. I heard him tell him the other day that he liked his shirt. We all wear the same shirt, Lily. God, I would have loved to have seen your face when he said that. I miss hearing your laugh. I reckon it’s only a matter of time before the Lieutenant takes a bayonet to his chest and dismisses it as friendly fire. 

We’re heading out to the frontlines soon to be put into active combat. Don’t worry about me, I’ll write you whenever I can, but I don’t know how often someone will come through to take the letters. Know I’ll think of you every day.

Yours,  
James 

Dear James,

I am doing well. I got a job as typist. Mostly writing MIA and death notices to send to families. It’s not the most uplifting work but I want to do my part. Every time I get a letter from you it makes my day a little brighter.

I can’t believe Sirius, I thought the military would knock some sense into him, I guess he can’t think through that thick skull. I still giggle every time I try to picture him without hair. It doesn’t surprise me that he’d still find some way to wreak havoc.The Wolf eh? Sounds like the kind of person Sirius would want to get himself mixed up with. I think I read something about that in a newspaper once, I’m not sure all the stories seem to blur together these days. 

Remind him to keep his head on straight for me, would you? I need you three to keep each other safe so you’ll come back to me. Then I can exchange that kiss for a real one. Give the boys my best. I miss you all terribly, but I miss you something special James. Should have given me that letter earlier you dolt. 

Write soon please.

Yours,  
Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to get onto a regular posting schedule. Thinking on once a week in order to keep myself consistent! Hope you're enjoying the story so far. Feel free to leave a comment or kudos! They always make my day!


	6. The Walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a slow chapter today, but I promise there is some more action coming at the end of this week!

It was time for them to head to the front, a small town that needed reinforcements. A key holding point against the Germans. It was funny the way that things like this changed in the time of war. Places that had been families’ homes, communities, and support systems were now just tactical pawns in the world’s messiest game of chess. 

They’d been marching for two days already. There wasn’t much to do but focus on keeping your legs moving forward. One step at a time, one foot forward, one leg in front of the other. No one wanted to talk about where they were going, and no one wanted to talk about what they had left behind. So, instead talk turned to home. Men took turns pulling out pictures of their girls. Men either whistled and cheered or made jokes about how much they looked like someone’s mother. 

“You’re not going to show off Lily?” Sirius asked, falling quietly into step beside James. 

“Nope, she’s just mine and I like it better that way.” James replied, patting his breast pocket where he kept her photo and most recent letters. James would have carried them all with him if he could, but slowly realized he’d have to learn which ones to keep and what to leave behind. It was a practice all soldiers slowly became familiar with, learning what parts of yourself you had to let go to keep moving forward.

“I’d show off a girl if I had her,” Pete mumbled grumpily beside them. 

Sirius gave Pete a sympathetic smile. Never quite sure what to do at moments like this, Peter had always been filled with unquenchable wanting. He was never satisfied and was always looking for more, the next big thing. For the past few years that had women, he was obsessed with the idea that if he could just find the right girl all the other pieces would fall into place. 

“Who knows Pete? Maybe you’ll find yourself a lovely girl to bring back home,” James reassured him. Always better with Peter than Sirius had been. “What about you Pads, your lucky girl out there somewhere?”

“Maybe,” Sirius said, distracted by Remus yet again. He was convinced that if he kept watching him, maybe one day he’d turn up some clue that would let Sirius know more about him. He felt a bit like that detective in those novels Lily loved, something Holmes. He’d told her he’d thought Holmes and Watson were both in desperate need of a good shag and should just give up and sleep with one another. Lily had cheekily told him that shagging was not the solution to everything. 

Sirius had always been popular with the ladies. At Hogwarts, pretty much every girl was dying to be the one that he would take to the Yule Ball or whatever new event was next. As he got older, he learned to dodge the love potions in gifted boxes of chocolates and to be less disturbed by the consistent appearance of someone’s undergarments in his Quidditch bag. None of the girls ever lasted and it was really only once Sirius was drunk that he’d give into some broad, desperate for some feeling, some reminder that he was alive, and that he could feel pleasure. All he ever really got was some hickeys and a splitting headache. The girls would string up some elaborate story from their time with Sirius that usually involved positions Sirius was pretty sure were impossible and the rumours always found their way back to his friends. He let them believe, somehow it was easier than explaining how confused he was. How he had never felt what James felt for Lily, how he wasn’t sure he ever would. 

“So, how is your little mystery going? How many words has he said to you this week?” James teased upon following Sirius’ eyeline. He gave him a playful elbow in the side for good measure. 

“Well, we’ve upgraded from grunting noises, to one-word responses. I think we’ll be up to full sentences soon.” The last time Sirius had tried to talk to the Lieutenant he’d just said no without even looking up from his novel. Sirius had simply spun on his heel and walked away. He had always been well liked and this mysterious boy who kept turning him away was driving him crazy. 

“Why do you care anyway?” Peter demanded. All of this walking was making him especially more miserable than usual.

“I don’t know. He just seems so familiar, I feel like I know him already,” Sirius said shaking his head gently. It was true, every time he looked at Remus he was overcome with this awful sense of déjà vu. There was something about those soft green eyes that made Sirius feel like he already knew him, already understood the madness in his soul. The madness that was so much like Sirius’ own. 

Sirius snapped out of his daydream and back into reality.

“If I didn’t know any better Wormtail, I’d say your jealous,” Sirius teased elbowing him in the ribs.

“Am not,” Peter huffed in way that only proved he was completely guilty of the emotion.

“Don’t worry Pete,” James said. “We’re like a golden trio, the three musketeers, nothing could tear us apart.”

“Besides,” Sirius added, “the three musketeers had D’Artagnan and still stayed friends.”

Peter and James stopped abruptly to turn and look at Sirius with faces of shock, only snapping back to reality when they were kicked in the shins by the soldiers behind them.

“What?” Sirius said. “I read.”

“Or you’ve just been brushing up on your literary knowledge for a certain someone,” James smirked.

“Come on, now where would I even find a library out here?”

James shrugged and turned his attention back to the long road ahead and the glowing sunset in the distance. He wasn’t wrong, Sirius had never been a great student. In fact, Sirius had made a friend in a fellow soldier, a former English teacher and whenever he could he asked him to tell him about his favourite books. He felt inferior to Remus’ book loving personality and this strange need to impress him. Plus, it was a good way to pass the time. What they don’t tell you about when you head into a war is how much waiting there will be between missions.

The officers at the front halted and the sudden ceasing of movement rippled back among all of the soldiers. The sun was getting low and this was determined as the best place to rest for the night. A hill on one side of the valley would provide some cover and give a good position to watch for any incoming forces. 

James, Peter, and Sirius began to unpack and find their places for the night. They walked by the Captain dolling out the watch schedule for the night.

“Walkerton you take the first shift, Lupin you got the rest of the night,” he barked.

Sirius craned his head backward. Lupin caught his eye only briefly before turning his attention back to setting up his own sleeping area for the night. Moments like this were worse, Sirius could stand the steely silence, but when Lupin spoke to him for a minute or glanced his way Sirius couldn’t help but be overcome by a feeling of missing out on something wonderful. He sighed and collapsed onto the ground. Exhausted, he feel asleep quickly to thoughts of soft green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! I've finally settled on a regular update schedule for this fic. The goal is to have new updates after Monday and Friday! Any predictions for what will happen next? Comments and kudos always welcome!


	7. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Sirius woke up to Remus’ hand pressed tightly over his mouth. His fingers were rough and calloused and tasted of dirt and stale coffee. Remus registered that Sirius was awake and snapped his hand away quickly.

“Sorry,” he said, fidgeting nervously, “you were screaming in your sleep.”

Sirius was half-awake and the only part of his brain that was functioning couldn’t stop running over the feeling of Remus’ hand on his lips, the shape of his fingers…

“What?” Sirius asked, suddenly realizing that Remus was speaking to him.

“You were screaming. Didn’t want you to give our position away if there’s anyone nearby.”

“Right,” Sirius said, reaching for his hair that still didn’t exist.

Remus shifted awkwardly from foot from foot, suddenly unsure of what to do with himself. 

“Right,” Remus said and turned to leave.

“Wait,” Sirius said, “I’m up, might as well take over watch for you and let you sleep.”

“It’s alright, get some rest. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow,” the authority was slowly seeping back into his voice.

“Can I stay up with you?” Sirius asked. Remus looked confused and shocked by this request. “I’ll probably wake the others up with my screaming if I fall back asleep.”

“Alright, as long as you don’t pester me with any of your stupid questions.”

Sirius suppressed a laugh and hurried to his feet to follow Remus. They took up watch on top of the small knoll that overlooked the valley. From this vantage point you could see someone coming from miles away. Remus sat down on the grass and Sirius waited for him to gesture for him to join before doing the same. A heavy silence filled the space between them and they both fidgeted uncomfortably, unsure of what to say.

“It was my mom,” Sirius finally said, answering the unspoken question.

Remus cocked one eyebrow up at him.

“The dream. I wasn’t lying about what I told you that first day.” He chose his next words carefully, reminding himself that Muggles wouldn’t know anything about Hogwarts or the Cruciatus curse. “My family comes from a long line of well, pure-blooded people. They truly believe in the idea of a superior race. I never gave into any of that. They always knew I was different but thought that in time as I grew older, I’d see their side. They sent me away to this elite boarding school my family has gone to for generations. The school has these four groups it’s divided into and you chose where you belong. Well, I decided I wanted to break tradition. The second my parents got word they were livid. The beatings started my first Christmas holiday. The severity and the frequency only increased as I learned to become more vocal in my beliefs. They thought if they couldn’t teach me to see their side, they’d torture it into me instead.”

Sirius didn’t know why he was telling him all of this. Something about the boy’s gentleness made him feel like he could trust him. That he was someone who would actually listen. 

“I guess I was right to call her a massive bitch.”

Sirius smiled and Remus returned the gestured. Sirius stared a little too long as he watched the gentle upward curl of the boy’s lips, the way his scars crinkled on his face and were diminished by the brightness of his smile. It was beautiful. Remus turned suddenly and Sirius blushed as he was caught staring. 

“Yeah, I ran away when I was sixteen. James, er, Private Potter’s family took me in. Been there ever since.”

“Do you ever regret leaving?” Remus asked.

“I have a brother, Regulus, I tried to keep in touch, but they got in his head pretty bad. I sent him a letter before I shipped out to let him know what I was doing and why. I don’t know if he even got it.”

Remus nodded, looking like he was caught up in some far away thought. 

“What about you? Any siblings?” Sirius asked.

“Nope, only child.”

Sirius waited. Hoping Remus would open up to him, tell him something, anything about his life, but he stayed silent. That was okay too, Sirius understood the way that the things that happen to us have a way of stealing our voice. Remus would talk to him, one day, when he was ready, Sirius hoped Remus would tell him his story. Sirius was already getting a feeling that it would be his favourite. 

They sat that way together in a more comfortable silence, silhouetted as they watched the sun begin its’ slow ascent. Eventually, Remus stood up abruptly. 

“Come on, we need to get back on the road,” he said, reaching out a hand to help Sirius to his feet. 

Sirius liked the chance to feel Remus’ hand again the roughness that made Sirius think he must have done manual labour before the war. His gentle touch and the way he never held on too tightly. The subtle ridges where the scars stood out on his skin. 

The second Sirius was standing, Remus quickly dropped his hand, then he turned his back as he marched back to the camp. Sirius watched him go, the way the dawn softened all his edges and made his auburn hair glow. He would have liked to paint the scene, if he had known the first thing about painting. So instead, he just stood and watched. And the suddenly, the moment was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be out of Monday! Leave me a comment with your thoughts! Feedback and kudos are always welcome! Have a great weekend!


	8. The First Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The platoon arrives in the city, only to be greeted with an attack much sooner than they anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: This chapter revolves around the first battle they face. There is mentions of blood, mild gore, and violence. 
> 
> Sorry I'm posting this so late in the day! I swear I'm not usually the person handing in my assignments at 11:59pm.

They were back on the road before the sun had even finished rising. Sirius hadn’t told James or Peter about his conversation with Remus. He wasn’t quite sure why, but it had felt too private. He wanted to keep the moment they had shared together to himself. So. he stayed silent and let them continue to tease him the rest of the way.   
It was late afternoon when they marched into the city, which looked a lot less like the small town it was and more like a demolition site. Everything was eerily quiet as if the world around them was holding its breath. Sirius watched Captain Blair scan the town, looking for the platoon they were sent to meet up with. Suddenly, there was a whistle in the air and the soldier to Sirius left crumpled to the ground. 

“SNIPER GET DOWN!” Someone yelled and just like that everyone was diving for cover. When people think of the military they think of order and precision. Strict rules and strategic fronts. What they don’t realize is more often than not it’s chaos. Just like that ranks of ordered men scrambling like children in a school yard.

Sirius dropped to the ground to help the fallen soldier but there was a bullet clean through his head. Sirius recognized him. His name Joseph Windstreet and one second he was there and the next he was gone. Sirius couldn’t take his eyes away from his face. The way his cheeks were still flushed from the walk and his eyes were open in shock. He’d just crumpled like a rag doll. Any of them could.

“Sirius!” James yelled, snapping him back into reality as he yanked on the back of Sirius’ uniform trying to drag him under cover. Sirius bent down quickly and snapped off the boy’s dog tags and placed them in his pocket before turning to follow James lead as they dove behind a brick wall.

“What were you doing you absolute idiot? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” James chest was heaving from the effort and his voice was short and clipped, but there was a tremor there. A small shaking noise only Sirius would have been able to hear. He was scared. “When he dropped, I… I couldn’t see you I thought…”

“It’s alright James, we’re here now.”

“Pete?”

“I didn’t see where he ended up.”

They stayed pressed close to the wall, watching the seconds tick by as if they were hours. Sirius could just make out one of their own snipers lining up a shot from behind an abandoned car. 

“This must be their strategy, bottleneck any reinforcements through the main street so that they can pick them off one by one,” James said.

Sirius nodded gently as he watched their sniper slowly peek around the corner to try and get enough of a shot. It was all a matter of time, who could catch the other in their crosshairs and pull the trigger first. 

One. Two. Bang. Their sniper pulled the trigger before pulling himself back behind the car as quickly as possible. Everyone waited for the retaliation, twitching nervously in place, waiting for the next gunshot to ring out. 

After what felt like an eternity, Sirius heard the scratching of gravel as another young Private want to stand up.

“Hold on,” Sirius heard Remus say as the soldier was shoved roughly back to the ground. In the distance, he could make out Remus pulling his helmet off and resting it carefully on his bayonet. He slowly raised the helmet over the edge of the wall, waiting for any gunfire. When none came, he stood up first, ensuring that any bullets that were coming would be for him. But none came. 

“Alright soldiers, on your feet,” Captain Blair called. “Rifles at the ready and we move forward slowly. Lupin take a group of men up the right flank. Better if we’re spread out. I’m betting on him having company.”

As they got to their feet Sirius spotted Pete being pulled into the group of soldiers that were following Remus, at least he knew where he was. The quiet was chilling as they began a slow creep forward, stopping and moving along with Blair’s hand signals. 

He raised his hand in a tight fist again and everyone stopped. There was a soft clinking noise of metal on rock as Sirius spotted a small object rolling out from an alley of a nearby village. 

“GRENADE! Everyone get back!” Blair yelled. Sirius grabbed James’ arm and yanked them behind a building. There were too many of them too close, it was going to a blood bath, but that was when he saw it. Captain Blair had thrown himself on top of the grenade. He hadn’t even thought about it. He’d simply yelled and dived. His first instinct was to protect his platoon. Always protect his men. Time slowed as Sirius watched Blair clench every muscle in anticipation and then the grenade went off and everything was moving in fast forward. Sirius’ ears were ringing and there were gunshots everywhere. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. They were supposed to have time to find the other platoon and strategize. But there was no time for that now, German soldiers were pouring out of every alleyway, nook, and cranny in the city. 

Sirius ran out into the chaos, trying to see through the dust that was still swirling in the air and ignore the bloodshed and chunks of Captain Blair that still remained in the street. He fired blindly into the oncoming soldiers, only stopping briefly to hide behind the wall again to reload. 

“PADS!” He heard James yelled and turned just in time to see a German soldier drag James into the one of the buildings. He ran through the crowd as quickly as possible in pursuit of his friend, leaping through a hole in an open wall and bounding up the stairs after him. When he made it to the second floor, he saw James wrestling with the German soldier ‘s knife trying desperately to keep it away from his face. 

Sirius didn’t think. He simply raised his bayonet and drove it into the back of the soldier again and again until he collapsed onto James who pushed him off quickly. As James got to his feet beside Sirius, Sirius stared at the soldier on the floor. He couldn’t have been more than sixteen or seventeen. He was practically still a child, but there he was bleeding out making this awful gurgling noise. Sirius looked away as he drove his bayonet once more through the boy’s heart, the least he could do was to put him out of his misery. 

He didn’t have time to process what had just happened because James was already picking up his own rifle and leading the charge back down the stairs and out onto the battlefield, but that young boy’s eyes would forever haunt his dreams. It was the first life he had ever taken. He hated how easy it was, how he saw James struggling and just reacted. We never really know how far we will go for the one’s we love until we’re forced to make a terrible decision. Sirius wondered if what overcame him in that moment was the same thing that overtook Captain Blair before he threw himself on the grenade. 

Back on the streets the tides were turning, Sirius saw new faces he didn’t recognize among those fighting and realized that the British platoon that was stationed further within the city had heard the shots and had come out to help them. The battle they came here for was happening, just much sooner than any of them had planned. 

James mind blacked out as he threw himself back into the fray. Even thoughts of Lily were banished from his mind. The only thing he could focus on was every split-second decision that needed to be made, shots that needed to be fired, lives that needed to be ended, all to keep himself alive. To make sure that he lived to fight another day. His movements were quick and feverish, but his mind was clear as it moved from one task to the next leaving a trail of bodies in its wake. 

Sirius’ was able to keep slightly more of a level head, strategizing the best he could and trying to work with whoever was around him to attack as efficiently as possible. His heart was racing, the primal part of him that was desperately fighting for survival trying to make itself heard, but years of abuse had allow Sirius to tune out that voice. He had to focus on never letting his parents see his pain, never letting them see his doubts, and sticking to his truth. He could do that now, make sure that no one ever saw his fear, just what appeared to be steady deliberate action. 

Peter had coiled himself in the corner of one of the buildings, absolutely terrified. The second the gunshots went off his body had bottomed out from under him with every resounding explosion he pulled tighter on his hair, desperate to make himself smaller. He wished he could turn into a bird or a mouse or even a rat. Anything that would let him get out of here, get out of this hellhole. 

Remus was used to this dance by now. This awful, bloody, ballet. He had barely flinched when he saw the grenade go off taking a few men, along with Captain Blair with it and leaving another dozen men injured and moaning on the ground. He had seen worse in his time. He heard one of the new Privates beside him vomit, he would learn how to deal in time, the way Remus had. Remus knew how to push the emotions down somewhere deep inside of him to deal with later. How to funnel and control his anger and turn it into something else. Something destructive that he could let lose whenever it was needed. It was this part of himself that scared him most, it was this part of himself that often scared other people. The way he moved efficiently like a one-man army through the sea of men. 

None of them knew how long it had been when they finally heard a sharp yell in German and the sudden dropping of weapons. They slowly stopped to see the remaining German soldiers all had their hands raised above their heads in surrender. Sirius blinked, sure this couldn’t be happening, that it had to be another trick. But it wasn’t, the battle was over. James, Sirius, and Peter had survived their first fight. James had a thin scratch on his cheek from where someone had managed to catch him with their bayonet. The three boys found each other amongst the crowd, always pulled back together like a magnet. 

“Everyone okay?” Sirius asked, shocked at how steady and level his voice was. 

James and Peter nodded, their eyes never leaving the German soldiers.

“You?” James asked.

“Fine.” Sirius said. 

But he wasn’t, none of them were. In fact, none of them would ever be the same again. The people they were had been left at the city gates. Sirius put a hand in his pocket and felt his fingers close around the cold metal of Joseph Windstreet’s dogtag. A cold, physical reminder of the very human cost of their survival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Friday's chapter will have more fluff to balance out the darkness of this chapter. As always I'd love to hear what you thought. Please feel free to drop me a comment below!


	9. Dance With Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! This week's chapter is very fluffy and soft. I'm so excited for you all to read it.  
> The song that is used is "Isn't it Romantic?" if you want to listen to it I'd highly recommend the Ella Fitzgerald version, but that wasn't released until the 50s, so if you want to be period accurate the Hildegarde version is better.  
> Enjoy!!

Sirius had to admit that he was still surprised that there were people in this city who weren’t soldiers. He figured in the end, that life carries on no matter how dark things get. We simply learn how to adapt, how to keep ourselves alive. People came creeping out of everywhere. There couldn’t have been more than thirty or forty of them but they were jovial and full of energy, even if Sirius couldn’t understand what most of them were saying. They all came together in what Sirius could only assume had once been the local tavern. It was strange seeing the candles flickering in the windows and the townsfolk dancing in celebration ignoring all the rubble and wreckage that lay around them. This one miracle building that hadn’t been destroyed. These miracle people who were still alive. 

After they had gathered up the remaining German soldiers as POWs, they had searched the town for any survivors, picking up the dog tags of the dead along the way in a macabre scavenger hunt. They spent the rest of the evening digging a grave in an overgrown farmer’s field for the fallen. Then whoever was left of the two platoons headed deeper into the city. Sirius was immensely grateful to be away from all the carnage. It felt wrong to celebrate living when the reminder of those who died still stained the streets. A couple hundred feet wasn’t much, but it was something. 

The bottom floor of the building was mostly intact except for a large hole in one wall. Inside there remained a few chairs and tables covered in dust that was likely the remains of that missing wall. There also, quite miraculously was a piano, which a middle age man sat down at and began to play. It was a clear a few of the strings had been damaged but it couldn’t diminish the joy and the beauty of the music he was playing. A young woman took her seat beside him and began to sing. Girls and men were dancing through the streets happily as the music carried out into the open night air. Many of the women came and took the soldiers away for a dance. Remus watched them go one by one. He’d seen this ritual before. He knew that later dancing would turn into something else and they’d all find their private corners to continue their intimacy. Remus didn’t care much for it, but he wasn’t going to stop it either. He knew that it was nights like this that kept the men alive, that kept them moving and fighting. So long as they all turned back up the next day, they could spend the night doing whatever they liked to whomever in the darker corners of the city. 

Remus sat down on the street and leaned gently against a pile of rubble. He was exhausted and desperately wished he had a cigarette or something stronger to settle his nerves. They’d lost too many good men this afternoon and Remus had suddenly found himself the highest-ranking officer left standing. His stomach churned as these men turned to look at him, some of them probably older than Remus was himself, he had lied about his age after all when he enlisted, and they all wanted him to tell them what to do. He’d spent most of the evening on autopilot just trying to think of what Captain Blair would have done in this situation. Captain Blair had been a good man. He was one of the few who didn’t judge Remus when he first met him, who didn’t whisper behind his back about his scars to other soldiers, he didn’t treat him any differently because of the stories he had heard, he made it clear that Remus needed to prove himself and once he had the Captain had let him be. The next time Remus could get in touch with the home front he would make it clear what Captain Blair had done for his men, how bravely he sacrificed his life. A medal wasn’t much when there was no one left to wear it, but it was something. His family deserved to know that he had died how he had lived: a good man.

Sirius, James and Peter were leaning against a building, saying and doing nothing in particular. What was there to say after the day they had? There was nothing that could be said that would undo what had been done. So instead they stood in the comfortable silence, listening to the music, looking at the stars, and thinking of home. 

Eventually a young woman made her way over to them. She gently reached out a hand to Peter who looked baffled by this forward gesture before breaking out into a brilliant smile. He cast one passing look at his friends who waved him away and then they were gone. 

Moments later another woman came up speaking quickly and eagerly. 

“Sorry?” James said, not understanding. 

Sirius chuckled as this went back and forth. Despite the language barrier it was clear she wanted James to dance and she was not taking no for an answer. Either that or she was really bad at reading gestures. 

“A little help here Pads?” James asked looking desperately over at Sirius.

“Ah c’mon James,” Sirius said. “You don’t have to do anything, just give the girl a dance. You could use some practice anyways. You got two left feet.”

The girl now had her hand wrapped tightly around James’ wrist as she tugged him away. He cast one last pleading look at Sirius who only offered him a smirk and a shrug.

It wasn’t long before Sirius’ eyes found Remus, sitting all alone on the ground. Everyone else had either cleared out or was dancing nearby. Sirius hadn’t even realized he’d been looking for him, but somehow it felt like he always was, like Remus was his true north.

He made his way across the square and over to where Remus was sitting. It took the boy a while to notice Sirius was standing there. Sirius understood. He probably had a lot on his mind with the day they had all had. 

“Fuck off please Black,” Remus said not making eye contact. “I really can’t deal with your stupid questions right now.”

“No questions,” Sirius said raising his hands in a symbol of surrender. “Just thought you might want some company.”

Remus paused, scrutinizing Sirius’ face to ensure he wasn’t kidding before shrugging his head at the ground in a gesture of invitation.

Sirius took a seat on the ground next to him. He could do quiet. Often times his rambunctious way of always talking was to cover up how scared he was to ever let someone see inside. In silence there was no expectations, no one needed him to be anything. He could simply exist inside of his head. He could just be Sirius. Not a solider. Not a failure to his family. Not a disgrace to the house of Black. Just Sirius.

Remus was staring intently at the ground and Sirius noted that he looked absolutely exhausted. The kind of tired that sleep doesn’t fix. The kind of tired that you never really come back from. He knew Captain Blair meant a lot to him and losing him would not be easy for Remus, it didn’t help that he’d suddenly found himself thrust into a position of power. Sirius remembered the way everyone had turned to him this afternoon. He remembered the brief spark of panic that had flashed through Remus’ eyes before he flipped the switch to leader, and he had led brilliantly. Sirius was impressed at how quickly and efficiently he had managed to get everyone in line and working methodically through each task that needed to be accomplished. 

But now here he was, small with his knees curled towards his chest. Sirius wondered again how old he was. Sitting so close to him he was sure there was no way he was older than him. Despite his sharp cheekbones there was a softness to his features, like a sculpture that hadn’t been finished he was missing the rest of the sharp edges and rough lines of adulthood. But Sirius knew he had already grown up too young. That he had seen and done things he couldn’t come back from. Sirius understood what it meant to be a child physically but to have to lose everything wonderful that was meant to go with it. He had to grow up long before this war ever began.

The song changed, the tempo suddenly dropping and soon the woman was singing again, but this time in English. It was a song Sirius recognized. It had been in a film James and him had seen back in London. It sounded different now, rich and jazzy with the woman’s beautiful lilting accent. 

Isn't it romantic?  
Music in the night, a dream that can be heard

Sirius looked down at Remus’ hands. His beautiful scarred hands. He remembered the way it had felt to be held by that hand when Remus had pulled him to his feet only last night. How gentle the touch of a boy with such a violent history, as if he couldn’t bear to hurt another living thing. As if in his touch he hoped to heal some of what had been taken from him, what he’d been forced to take. Sirius wanted to hold that hand again.

Isn't it romantic?  
Moving shadows write the oldest magic word

“Dance with me?” Sirius said getting to his feet and extending his hand. Remus raised his eyes slowly to look at him.

“You’re kidding me, right?” He said. 

“Come on, no one’s watching. Besides, everyone else is dancing why shouldn’t we get to join in on the fun?”

Remus sighed gently looking back down at the ground. 

“You know, I’m sure you could find a pretty girl who would happily accept your offer.” Remus said.

“Yeah, but I want to dance with you.” Sirius wasn’t sure where that thought had come from but the moment he said it he knew it was true. 

I hear the breezes playing in the trees above  
While all the world is saying you were meant for love

Remus’ eyes snapped back up to Sirius’ as he took his hand and Sirius helped him to his feet. Sirius linked the fingers of their right hands together, trying to ignore the way they fit together so perfectly, as if they had been made to hold one another. He put his other hand around Remus’ waist making sure to keep them still a forearm’s distance apart.

“What so I have to be the girl?” Remus said placing his hand on Sirius’ broad shoulder. “You do know I’m higher in rank than you?”

Sirius laughed gently and it set off Remus’ beautiful smile. Sirius tried not to stare and turned his attention back to Remus’ eyes. 

“I thought it might be nice for you to let someone else lead for a bit.” 

Remus smiled again, but sheepishly this time and he turned his gaze down to his feet. Sirius could have sworn he stepped a little closer to him.

Isn't it romantic?  
Merely to be young on such a night as this?

“You weren’t a professional dancer before the war, were you?” Remus asked, eyes still trained downward as he tried desperately not to step on Sirius’ feet. 

“No,” Sirius smiled. “Just a side effect of being raised by an obnoxiously rich, elitist family.”

“Ah, well my clumsy feet are a side effect of too many years as a farm hand.” Remus said, and Sirius catalogued this piece of information away for later. It was just one more piece of the puzzle that was Lieutenant Remus Lupin, the mysterious The Wolf. “I wasn’t made for gentle things.”

“Look at me,” Sirius said and Remus tugged his eyes away from his feet to look at Sirius. He was obnoxiously handsome. It was like the uniform had been designed for him. Even filthy he was attractive. Remus wasn’t sure why he hadn’t noticed it before. It’s probably where that incredibly annoying confidence came from. And he had the most alluring grey eyes that made Remus feel like the sky clearing after a storm. “Trust me,” Sirius said. 

Isn't it romantic?  
Every note that's sung is like a lover's kiss

Then he let go of Remus’ waist and twirled him gently, taking in every inch of the boy as he spun. As he pulled him back in, he made sure to hold him just a little closer. 

“Was that so bad?” Sirius asked.

“No,” Remus said, trying desperately to hide the blush he could feel creeping into his face. “I’ve never been a very good dancer.”

“Maybe you’ve just never had the right partner.”

Sweet symbols in the moonlight  
Do you mean that I will fall in love per chance?  
Isn't it romance?

The woman stopped singing for a moment and the night was filled with the man’s beautiful piano solo. He took advantage of the melody to gently guide Remus through a few more twists and twirls guiding them gently around the square again. When Sirius could hear that the instrumental break would be coming to a close he dipped Remus gently in his arms noting the way his curls shook loose and shone in the moonlight. He held his arm tightly around Remus’ back so he wouldn’t drop him and for a moment the whole world disappeared, and it was just the two of them. Then the woman began to sing again, Sirius gently tugged Remus back to his feet as reality seeped back in. There were only a few inches between them now.

I hear the breezes playing in the trees above  
While all the world is saying you were meant for love

Remus looked over Sirius’ shoulder as they continued to sway slower now, their feet barely moving. Sirius took advantage of the chance to study Remus without being watched. He took in the way his freckles made constellations across his milk white skin. The deep green of his eyes that made Sirius think of sea foam and untold stories. Remus was beautiful and perfect. The three scars that ran across his face only accentuated his beauty in Sirius’ eyes. They served as guidelines as Sirius traced his vision up and down them one by one taking in every piece of Remus like this. Remus who was simply a boy. Remus who loved books so much he still carried one with him wherever he went. Remus who sat beside him and listened to his story in a way that made Sirius feel heard. 

Isn’t it romantic?  
Merely to be young on such a night as this?

Remus turned his eyes back to Sirius, smiling as he caught him staring. 

“What are you looking at?” Remus asked coyly, his voice barely a whisper. 

“You,” Sirius said unable to hide the truth. 

“What were you looking at?”

“The stars,” Remus said and they both turned their heads skyward at the same time. Their feet now rocking to and fro without a thought from either of their minds. The sky spilled out before them and Sirius had realized it had been so long since he’d seen a sky like this, all the smog and pollution of the city always keeping it from view. There were stars everywhere, spilling across the inky night like salt on black granite. They were beautiful and twinkling and suddenly the world seemed so vast, the future seemed so close and possible. Every thought of violence was stricken from both of their minds in the face of such raw, enchanting beauty. 

They both made to look down at the same time and their foreheads brushed together because of how close they’d become. In response Remus simply turned his head and rested it on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius felt the muscles in his back tighten quickly at this unexpected gesture before slowly uncurling themselves. Everything about this felt so right and with Remus this close to him he could feel his heartbeat against his chest. A constant, steady reminder that he was alive. That he was here, with him, in this moment, together. Sirius turned his own head so that it nestled itself next to Remus’, wanting to be closer to him, finding himself unshocked by the way they fit so perfectly together. 

Every note that’s sung is like a lover’s kiss  
Sweet symbols in the moonlight  
Do you mean that I will fall in love per chance?

The song came to a close and Remus and Sirius stood in the square swaying gently together in silence for a few moments longer. Sirius never wanted to leave, but Remus had started to pull away. They stopped dancing and in a moment the distance was there between them again. The only sign of what had happened was their right hands still linked delicately together and Remus’ face blushing furiously. 

“I better go,” he said quietly. “I’ve got a lot of planning to do tomorrow.”

Sirius nodded gently. Remus smiled.

“You’re still holding my hand,” he said. 

Sirius let go regretfully, shocked at how empty he felt without Remus pressed up close to him.

“Goodnight Sirius,” Remus said, taking one last look at Sirius and blushing again before walking away.

Sirius watched him leave, wanting to call out to him, but unsure of what to say. He took one last look at the stars before going to find James who was curled up where they’d dumped their supplies. He flopped down beside him, using a pack as a pillow. James’ eyes fluttered opened.

“What are you grinning like an idiot at?” James murmured sleepily.

“Oh, nothing,” Sirius said, suddenly aware of the dull ache in his cheeks from his smile. “I was just dancing with Remus.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you talk about him the same way I talk about Lily,” James mumbled before rolling over and drifting off to sleep.

And lying there with the stars laid out above him, Sirius realized he did look at Remus that way. He had when they had been dancing together. He, Sirius Black, was madly in love with Remus Lupin. His smile grew bigger and he fell asleep thinking of the outline of Remus’ face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH!! I had so much fun writing and this chapter and I'd love to hear your thoughts about it!!! Leave me a comment below!


	10. Letters II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Since letters sent from the front home would be read and censored I wanted to play around with that idea. Especially, since the letters are going through the Muggle post service and they can't talk about magic.

Dear Lily,

We had our first taste of active combat the other day. I can’t say it’s something I look forward to doing again. I keep forgetting how different things are here. At home, in our world, violence takes a very different approach. I think about all the scientists developing new ways to blow people to pieces and it makes me shudder. Then again, I guess someone did that once in our world too. I am so sorry for how I treated you in the past. How I treated everyone. I guess I too became a curator of violence. Always looking for a more creative way to inflict pain. 

I have something to confess Lily. After the battle we stumbled deeper into the city where some citizens came out to play music and celebrate the victory. A young girl came up and begged me to dance with her, at least that’s what I thought she was saying, she didn’t speak a lick of English. I did. Just for a moment Lily, I hoped it would make me miss you less, if I could close my eyes and picture that she was you in my arms. Your fiery hair illuminated by the moonlight. Your freckled skin pressed so close to mine. All it did was make my chest ache more. 

Remind me why I came here Lily. Remind me what I’m fighting for. We head back out on the road again tomorrow and all I want to do is turn around and run back home to you.

Missing you always,  
James

Dear James,

I wish for you to never have to see violence. I wish that I was there to kiss all your hurt away. I forgive you for dancing with another. I understand. Every time I see a scraggly, dark haired bloke from behind, I let myself believe for a moment that it’s you and you’ll turn around and we’ll be together finally.

I am grateful for your apology James but know that you will never have to apologize to me again for who you were. You have proved to me and you keep proving to me every day that you have changed. Why do you I think I lost touch with Severus? It’s because he refused to see the wrong of his way, he refused to grow up. 

That’s why you are there James because you are a good person and because you understand that what happens outside of our world still happens to us. You’ve heard what people call me. The looks I get on the street and the glares in the hallways at Hogwarts. You know what my own sister thinks of me. Hate is the same in every language James. Know that you are fighting for people like me, people who are being persecuted for who they are.

It hurts me to think of you in pain James, even if you are fighting to assuage the pain of others. I’ve enclosed a scrap of one of my handkerchiefs. I know it isn’t much, I know it’s not me, but know that it is a reminder that I’m yours and that I’m here waiting for you. 

I’d be right there beside you if I could James, but alas I’ll keep fighting in my own way at home. I’ll dream of you tonight James, maybe you can dream of me too and then in some small way we’ll be together across all the distance. 

Yours always,  
Lily

The scrap of handkerchief was small and silky and contained a tiny embroidered L on it. James rubbed its soft fabric over and over again with his fingers. Even when it wasn’t in his hand, he was running over the shape of it in his mind. She always knew the right thing to say. She knew how to make him a better person. James knew he’d spend the rest of his life trying to live up to the man she saw in him.

Dear Lily,

Surprise! Not another letter from James. I’m sure you’re bored of hearing from him by now. I’m just kidding Lily. Sorry, I still haven’t learned how to face up to my emotions instead of burying them behind stupid jokes. 

I miss you. I miss our late-night conversations over cheap wine. I miss hearing you laugh. How have you been? What have you been doing since you no longer have to keep us out of trouble? Have any letters come from Reg yet? Thanks again for letting me put your address in that letter. I know he probably didn’t get it, but there’s still a part of me that holds onto hope. 

Speaking of hope, I think I’m in love Lily. Okay, that’s a lie, I know I’m in love. James and Pete don’t know yet but I’m sure they could figure it out if they put their last two brain cells together. I know you love James, but I think we both know who will be the rational one in that relationship. God, if you only you could see the look on his face every time he gets a letter from you. Like a chid on Christmas. That’s the saying right?

I wish I studied more Lily, I really care about this person and I want to prove that I can be more. That I can be better than my past. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before, but you already knew that. Probably told you too much about me when I was drunk. How do you do this Lily, how do you lose yourself so completely in another person when you don’t even know if they feel the same way? 

We danced together Lily and it was so beautiful. Everything is a mess here, but I wish you could see the stars. Promise me something, if you ever get a chance, promise you’ll drive out into the countryside on a clear night and look at the stars. Find Sirius, the brightest star in the sky, you taught me that, and know that I’ll be out here looking at it to, thinking about you always. 

Don’t worry about me, and yes, I know, I’ll keep James out of trouble. I always have his back.

Your friend,  
Sirius

Dear Sirius, 

You need to write me more you git! I miss you too and I want to hear that you’re okay. Plus, I know James is oblivious, I need to see what’s going on from your point of view. I know you always saw more than you ever let on, I knew that even before our late-night drinking sessions. 

I’m sure James has already told you, but I got some work as a typist. Trying to do what I can over here to help, but some days I just feel so powerless. I think of you all a lot. I haven’t got any mail from Regulus, I’ll keep checking for you Sirius. I hope he writes. I’ll hold out hope for you too. 

Now, as for this love confession. You’ve been quite elusive. But from what James has told me about your new obsession and your avoidance of information I’m guessing it’s like that time I caught you snogging in the broom closet in sixth year. Am I right? I’m happy for you. As for living with it, talk to James about that one. He’s the expert on it, even if he was awful at hiding it. (And don’t worry, he’ll understand, once he picks his jaw up of course) But Sirius, between you and me, don’t wait to do something. If there’s anything this mess has taught me it’s that life is too short to be wasted on maybes. Besides you don’t dance with a gorgeous bloke under the stars and not feel anything. (Yes, I called you gorgeous don’t get a big head about it)

Sirius, you are more than your past, you are more than the things you did to cover up your pain. If someone can’t see that, then they don’t deserve to have you. You shine bright through the darkness. You came through it. You deserve to be happy, Sirius. 

I promise I’ll drive out and look at the stars. Keep shining bright for me and know there’s an unopened bottle of what is supposedly the world’s worst wine waiting for you when you come home. Come home, okay?

Your friend,  
Lily

Sirius smiled as he tucked the letter in his pocket. Lily always saw through him. Sixth year she’d caught him snogging Caradoc in a closet. It hadn’t meant anything, just another attempt to silence the endless noise in his head, but maybe Lily knew something then that he hadn’t. Sirius watched Remus quietly as he bustled around the camp working to get everyone ready to go. He remembered the way he’d blushed when they’d went to say goodbye and how he’d rested his head of Sirius’ shoulder without hesitation. Lily was right, life was too short for maybes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Lily and Sirius' friendship deserves more attention. What do you think? Keep me updated with your thoughts! I love hearing from you guys and I'll see you all on Friday!


	11. Moony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin gets a new nickname.

They were walking. Again. Remus had been able to get a hold of someone using the radio. Their new orders were to head north to where there was a larger base set up. The goal was to head there and the fate of the remaining members of the platoons would be decided after that. 

Meanwhile, Sirius was still riding on the high of his dance with Remus. He caught himself constantly humming the melody of Isn’t It Romantic? under his breathe. His letter to Lily had been illuminating and she knew he was right about talking to James even if he was, well, absolutely terrified about it. The only problem was Peter. 

Peter had been in an absolutely pissy mood since they’d left the village. He wouldn’t talk about how his midnight dance session had gone but Sirius was guessing not the way he had planned. It wasn’t that Sirius didn’t like Peter. In fact, he wasn’t sure their friendship group worked without him. Their little trio. Peter was a good and loyal friend. Through all their pranks at Hogwarts Sirius had to put his trust in Peter over and over again and he hadn’t let him down. But still, there was that nagging unsettling feeling. Peter was always simple minded, and he struggled constantly in school, which was fine, they had tried to help him where they could. The problem came when Peter refused to accept any responsibility for what he had done. It became the teacher’s fault or his wand must have been broken or someone had to have cursed him. Sirius felt like an awful friend for thinking it but sometimes Peter reminded him of his family. The way they were quick to blame all the faults off the world on someone else regardless of how flimsy the explanation or connection was. And Sirius wasn’t sure how Peter would react to what he needed to tell James. So he was grateful when Peter’s sulky mood meant that he fell to the back of the ranks, leaving James and Sirius alone for a bit. 

“James,” Sirius started, suddenly realizing he was unsure of how to say this out loud.

“What’s up Pads?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot… and… it’s just…” damnit Sirius spit it out already. “How did you survive loving Lily when you didn’t know if she felt the same way?”

James looked slightly shocked, but instead of saying anything about the odd line of questioning, he simply started to chew on his lip in that way he always did when he was thinking. It was something Sirius loved about him. The way he never questioned anything that Sirius did. When he’d showed up on his front doorstep, bruised and bleeding with nothing but the clothes on the back, James didn’t say anything just stepped aside and let Sirius in. Sirius wasn’t sure they ever formally discussed him staying there. It just felt like there was never anything to discuss. Sirius needed a place and the Potters had another bedroom: problem solved.

“I mean, at first she downright hated me,” he laughed. “But let’s be real we all kind of hated of me back then.”

“I didn’t –“

James interrupts him with a steady glare. Okay, so maybe James had been a bit of a prick but they both had.

“Alright, you were a bit of an obnoxious snob.”

James nodded in agreement before continuing, “Right, but then something changed. I changed and when we became friends and I knew she didn’t hate me anymore, but suddenly I didn’t know how she felt and somehow that was much more terrifying. At least when she hated m,e I knew where we stood. Ya know?”

Sirius doesn’t say anything, just gives him the look that best friends have that means he gets it. 

“Survive is a good word,” James laughs. “God, there were some days I didn’t think I’d live through it. The way I felt when I was around her. I couldn’t breathe, everything went fuzzy, and I felt like I was going to faint. It took all my focus not to puke from the butterflies that decided they need to practice a jig in my stomach.”

Sirius smiles remembering how jittery James always was around Lily. Sirius saw Lily as a sister and he wasn’t going to lie, at first he was a little worried about how James looked at her, but then he saw how he looked at her. In that moment he knew, James would throw himself in front of a bus for Lily and he knew no matter what she’d be safe with him until the end. 

“I look back now and I don’t understand why I chose that route. Why I chose to just keep surviving instead of living. I think about that a lot, all the living Lily and I could have done already if I’d just had the balls to ask her. So I guess the answer to your question is this, how do you survive with it? You don’t. You take a fucking leap, you tell them how you feel and if they don’t feel the same way you’re crushed and gutted but you find your way back. But, god, if they feel the same way…”

Sirius watches James eyes run away from him, into the past and the thought of Lily.

“Then you start to live for the first time in your whole life.”

Sirius nodded. James was right. It was odd but even the midst of the war he didn’t feel brave or courageous. The thought of telling Remus what he meant to him was terrifying. But the thought of dying without knowing how Remus felt was worse. There was no point in waiting. 

“So, who’s the miserable girl who gets stuck with you?” James asked.

Sirius elbowed him in the side playfully, “Well that’s the thing Prongs, it’s… it’s not a girl.”

Sirius watched James eyes flash wide and Lily was right, his jaw hung slightly ajar, but the reaction was fleeting. 

“So, who’s the miserable chap?” James said, correcting himself. Sirius could have kissed him.

“Black,” the voice caused Sirius to startle and he turned abruptly to see that Remus was standing behind him. He tried desperately to hide the way his face was burning up. How much had he heard?

Sirius’ eyes flashed to James and he watched them grow wide with understanding. Of course, that oblivious dolt would take this moment out of all of them to finally see what had been right in front of him for so long. 

“Remus, um, hi, I’d been hoping to get a chance to talk to you.” Sirius stammered, hating how childish he sounded. 

“Of course, I always have time for my soldiers,” Remus said smiling coyly. 

“Don’t let the power go to your head,” Sirius teased, and James’ eyes jumped back and forth between them like he was watching a ping pong match. A stupid grin broke out on his face. 

“Yes Lieutenant Lupin, Sirius and I were just discussing some of the finer qualities of military service.” James interjected.

Forget kissing him, Sirius could have throttled him. 

“Some friends. Ditching me like that,” and of course, Peter had chosen this moment to rejoin the group. Sirius suppressed the urge to groan aloud. All he wanted was a moment alone with Remus. 

“Not my fault you got such stubby little legs, Wormtail,” James said. “Besides I’m sure Padfoot could give you some tips about how to make the right moves.”

“Do shut up Prongs or I’ll have to tell Lily I’ve sown your mouth shut.”

Remus’ eyes followed the interaction intrigued and also appreciative of the fact that they didn’t clam up as soon as he came by. He was so tired of having to act so adult all the time. 

“Wormtail Padfoot, and Prongs?” Remus asked. 

“Ah yes,” James said, always eager for a chance to recount the stories of their nicknames. He always was one for the dramatic flair. 

“Padfoot,” Remus said once James was finished, “didn’t know you had a sweet tooth.” He gave Sirius that coy smile again and it took everything for Sirius to keep walking. Right. Left. One foot in front of the other. 

“Oh!” James exclaimed. “I got an idea! Let’s give Lupin a nickname.”

Remus smiled gently at the ground, “I fear some other men might have already completed that job for you.”

“Oh please,” Sirius said. “The Wolf? Really? I’ve seen you fold your socks and use your sewing kit to help men fix their uniforms, not really fitting.”

Remus was shocked and surprisingly grateful to have someone turned down his identity as The Wolf. If Remus was honest, it made him feel like a monster and he wanted so desperately to remember what it was like to be human.

“Dickens?” James suggested. “He is always reading.”

“Piglet?” Peter added, then wilted when he realized he’d insulted a superior officer. “I just meant that you look so young, not that you look like a hog. I mean you don’t look like a hog.”

“Very smooth Pete,” James said. “What about dragon? There’s one of those on the Welsh flag, right?”

“Yes,” Remus confirmed. “Not sure I’m the breathing fire type.”

“Fair enough,” James said and chewed on his lip in thought again. 

The soft thud of boots on the hard ground filled the space as the four of them each racked their brains for the perfect name.

“Moony,” Sirius said breaking the silence. They all turned to look at him waiting for an explanation. “I mean it kind of works with your last name and the whole wolf thing. It’s just I don’t know…”

“Softer,” Remus said, finishing Sirius’ thought. “I like it.”

James and Peter nodded their approval.

“Moony,” Remus said turning the new name over on his tongue. 

And just like that. Their trio was up to a quartet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really enjoying trying to find creative ways to weave some of the canonical elements of the series into this story. What are you thoughts about the chapter? Feel free to leave me a comment! On Monday, we go back to night watch duty...


	12. The Stars

Sirius lay on the hard ground, unable to sleep as the night grew deeper. There was too much going on inside of his head. Too much left unsaid. Words sitting on the tip of his tongue just waiting for the right chance to escape. Sirius didn’t know how long he’d been lying there when he finally pulled himself to his feet. If he couldn’t sleep, he might as well try and find some way to make himself useful. 

He was heading towards the centre of the camp when he saw him. Remus was sitting on the outskirts of their temporary base for the night with his back turned to the camp. He looked so peaceful sitting there in the moonlight. 

“Do you not believe in sleep?” Sirius asked as he got closer. Remus didn’t flinch. He had heard Sirius’ footsteps coming. He’d always been something of a tracker. 

“I could ask you the same question,” Remus said smiling as Sirius sat down next to him.

Sirius let the silence hang in the air, hoping that just maybe, this time Remus would let him in. 

“Not all nights are… peaceful for me,” Remus said finally. “I like to enjoy the quiet ones when I can.”

Remus Lupin, master of answering a question with a thousand more. Sirius could only guess that what Remus had said had something to do with the legend of The Wolf and that night Remus had spent in the bunker. He wanted so desperately to ask him about it, but he understood all too well the ways in which we hope that if we ignore the darkness it will go away. 

“I know what you mean. I actually passed out in my second year of school, just keeled right over in the middle of class. I’d barely slept since the term started. It felt so good to not be at home that I didn’t want to miss a single minute of it. Time sleeping felt like time wasted for some reason.”

“Sometimes,” Remus said, “people forget that sleep too can be its own prison.”

Sirius watched Remus who was focusing intently on uprooting the grass around him. 

“Yeah, I’ve never told anyone, but second year was when the nightmares started too. Any time I closed my eyes I was back there again, her voice echoing in my head, her blows tearing me apart. It was like my own sick version of time travel.” Sirius hoped that maybe this would encourage Remus to tell him the things that haunted him.

Instead, Remus nodded gently, chewing on his bottom lip. It was a gesture that seemed all too boyish for the young man who had found himself in charge of his own platoon. 

“How old are you?”

Remus hesitated. “22.”

“How old are you really?”

“19.”

Sirius swore gently under his breathe. “Jesus, you’re the same age as me. How old were you when you enlisted?”

“16.”

“16?” Sirius said, failing to hide the shock in his voice. Remus was tall, he must have had at least a few inches on Sirius. But besides that everything else still had the awkward grace of someone caught between the body of a boy and a man. He couldn’t help but wonder if his scars had helped him lie. It’s easier to process trauma when you know it’s not inflicted on a child. 

Remus smiled gently, but kept his attention focused on the ground. “I know right?” And then the smile faltered. “Honestly, I think there was a part of me that figured they were going to turn me away. I don’t know if I’d ever have walked into that office if I’d known this was where I’d be three years later.”

“Can I ask why?” 

Remus sighed deeply but continued to speak. “I know what everyone thinks when they see the scars. They figure I’m running from something. And I am… but the thing I’m running from is a part of myself. I guess I hoped if I threw myself into something deep enough that that part of me would finally go away. The goal was always to survive the war, but kill that part, even if I had to carve it out with my own two hands, I was determined to leave it on the battlefield. Besides, I’ve been ridiculed my whole life and had my life shaped by forces outside of my control. I figured it was time I finally stand up for something. Finally, show someone that they don’t have the power to write anyone else stories for them.”

“And now?”

“And now, I don’t know. Some days it feels like everything I’ve been running from just keeps getting stronger. Some days, no matter how much good I try to convince myself I’m doing, I feel the part of myself that I’m killing is the human part.”

“Remus,” Sirius said softly, looking at the boy who he could never believe was a monster. 

Remus looked at Sirius briefly before snapping his eyes away, his bottom lip trembling as he fought back tears. 

“Hey,” Sirius said, surprising both of them by putting his hand over Remus’. “Look at me.”

Remus turned his head towards Sirius but kept his eyes trained on the ground. Sirius used his other hand to tilt Remus’ face upwards until he was looking into Sirius’ eyes. 

“When I look at you, all I see is light. I see someone who always does what’s best for his men regardless of how he is feeling himself. Someone who puts aside whatever he might be dealing with in order to make sure everyone is okay. When I look at you, I see a man, a good man. A human.”

The silence returned and it hung heavy in the air between them. Sirius’ eyes looking deep into Remus’ and Remus’ eyes on Sirius’ lips. 

“Remus I-“

But before Sirius could say anything else Remus’ lips were on his and his hand were running through Sirius’ short hair struggling to find a grip. It was fiery and electric and unlike anything Sirius had ever felt before. It was like he was being kissed for the first time. Everyone else before this was simply target practice. But this, oh god, this was real. 

Remus pulled back and Sirius must have looked startled because all the sudden Remus was trying to apologize, and Sirius couldn’t hear anything he was saying because his mind was full of fireworks. Each one exploding Remus’ name over and over and over. It wasn’t until Remus stood to leave that Sirius came back down to Earth, reaching out a hand to grab his wrist and pull him back towards him. 

“Wait, it’s just I… I wasn’t sure that you felt the same way and I didn’t want to assume anything because you know how people are. But, well if you couldn’t tell I’ve been mildly obsessed with you this whole time and then when we danced together I just… I don’t know… something clicked and I just realized… I… I think I’m falling in love with you.” Sirius said, all the words he wanted to stay stumbling from his mouth at the same time and tripping over each other in their eagerness. 

Remus turned back around and laced his fingers through Sirius’ as he sat back down. 

“You looked so surprised,” Remus said softly. 

“I mean that was some kiss, you got to give a boy some time to reset his circuits.” Sirius said smiling. 

Remus blushed softly and Sirius’ mind began to overload again. 

“I feel the same way,” Remus confessed.

“You do?”

“You can’t dance with a boy under the stars and not fall a little in love with him, can you?”

Sirius kissed him again then and it was different this time. Warm and sweet like honey and he could feel something in his chest that had been frozen for years finally begin to melt. Sirius sighed softly as the kiss ended and shuffled his body over to be as close to Remus as he could. Finally closing the space between them. 

Sirius looked up. It was another perfect night and the constellations were unfolded across the night sky. He found Canis Major and the Sirius star, the source of his birthname. He thought about Lily then, hoping that somewhere across the distance she was looking up at the same star too. 

When he turned his attention back to Remus, he found he had been staring at him the whole time. 

“What are you looking at?” Sirius asked cheekily. 

“The stars,” Remus said and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH! I had so much fun writing this chapter! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoy putting it together! Feel free to leave me a comment with your thoughts!


	13. Ambush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I couldn't wait the extra thirty minutes to midnight so have this chapter now!

They had spent the rest of Remus’ time on watch duty rotating between snogging and talking. Both of them finding a thousand more reasons of why they loved the other. They talked about everything from the war to their families to their hopes for a life after. Having had the same friends all of his life, Sirius found it refreshing to finally get to open himself up to someone who didn’t already know everything about him. Like he was unfolding himself anew. 

When James came to relive them from their shift, he raised his eyebrow accusingly at Sirius and Sirius found himself torn between wanting to slap that look of his face and hug him and tell him everything that had just happened. 

It had still taken Sirius forever to fall asleep but when he finally did it was on his back looking up at the stars. Thinking of the way that Remus Lupin somehow saw the night sky in his eyes. 

Sirius was woken some hours later by James’ dropping his entire body weight on top of Sirius’ body. 

“So, you have a good night last night?” James teased. 

“Can’t…breathe.” Sirius mumbled.

“Oh, posh that. Enough Quidditch practice you should be in peak physical condition, besides you haven’t had a cigarette in weeks. Now,” James said, bouncing his weight up and down on Sirius’ chest making his ribcage rattle, “I’ll get off when you tell me what happened.”

Sirius lay back in a sign of defeat. He was stronger than James, he could have pushed him off no problem, but he’d being lying if he didn’t admit a part of him wanted to tell someone what had happened. 

“You were right, there’s no point in wasting any time. And since we couldn’t get a moment alone yesterday,” he gave James a death stare here and James grinned back at him cheekily. “It was killing me that I hadn’t gotten a chance to say something. I couldn’t sleep so I got up to make myself useful and Remus was up too. I went to tell him how I felt but before I could he kissed me.”

“Oooo, plot twist. How was it? Was it good? Was there tongue?” James teased

“Alright that’s it,” Sirius said and sat up and pushed James off of his chest. 

Their quartet found there was back to one another as they readied themselves and began another day of walking. Sirius and Remus spent most of their time trying not to stare at one another. James spent any time he wasn’t going on about Lily giving them knowing looks and Peter… Well, it was like Peter was off on another planet. He was quiet, and fidgety, and everything crunch of a branch of twig made him jump. 

“Alright, Wormy, what’s up?” Sirius finally asked.

“Nothing. And would you please stop calling me that, I hate that stupid nickname.” Peter grumbled back.

Sirius shot a quick look at James who looked equally concerned. 

“Just trying to help, Pete,” James said. 

“While maybe I don’t want your help.” Pete snapped back.

James gave Sirius another look and then shrugged as if to say oh well, we tried. Peter’s mood continued to grate on Sirius, but he eventually relented that James was right. If he didn’t want help, there was nothing they could do.

Their conversation quickly made it’s was back to happier topics. As the day wore into afternoon, they’d fallen into a steady rhythm of conversation only interrupted by Pete’s constant overdramatic sighs and groans.

Remus was in the middle of explaining the rules of football to James when there was a sharp ping as a bullet ricocheted off the helmet of a soldier in front of them. A heady silence filled the air as everyone processed what had just happened. They weren’t on a battlefield. They were in the middle of the countryside. They were supposed to be safe. 

“EVERYBODY DOWN!” Remus yelled.

The only problem was getting down didn’t do anything when there was no cover. They were in the midst of a low valley with grassy hills on either side of them that gave way to forest. Whoever was shooting at them had the definitive advantage. Everybody scrambled running this way and that in a desperate attempt to find shelter as their enemies opened fire. 

“Fuck!” James screamed and collapsed to the ground next to Sirius. His mind went into overdrive. He wasn’t sure where Remus had disappeared to, likely trying to gather up enough men to organize any form of counterattack. Sirius always felt less steady when Remus wasn’t at his side, but he didn’t have time to think about any of that now. Peter stood in one place, eyes wide open and trembling gently. Sirius bent down and hauled James up with one arm looping it around James’ shoulder to steady him. With the other he grabbed Peter by the wrist and hauled them behind the nearest patch of trees he could find. It wasn’t much but it got them out of the field. 

“James are you alright?” Sirius asked. 

“Bastards shot me,” James managed through gritted teeth, his hand still tightly wound around his arm. 

“Let me see,” Sirius said. 

James slowly moved his arm away and the bleeding started again. Sirius quickly shoved James hand back on top of the wound. He turned to his bag and rifled through his pack for the first article of clothing he could find. He ripped it into strips. 

“Alright, this is going to hurt like a bitch,” Sirius said as he yanked the fabric tight just above the wound in a makeshift tourniquet. James went to cry out but Sirius slapped a hand over his mouth before he could. The cover they had was weak, one wrong move and someone would find them. He took the rest of the fabric and wound it as tightly as he could over the open wound before telling James to keep pressure on it. 

There was a loud bang and Sirius looked out from where he was hiding in time to see an explosion go off. As the dust settled, Sirius could see Remus in the thick of it, the men around him collapsing one by one. They were easy targets out the open. What was that Muggle phrase Lily had taught him? Like sitting ducks?

“I need to help Remus,” Sirius said to James, because Peter was still essentially catatonic. “Keep pressure on the wound and I’ll be back.”

“Wait,” James said catching Sirius’ arm with his free hand. He fumbled inside of his jacket and pulled out a letter, James bloody fingerprints ruining the white of the envelope. “If something happens, I need you to give this to Lily.” 

Sirius looked from the letter to James and back again. 

“No, you’re going to give it to her yourself.” 

He snapped back to Peter.

“Pete,” Sirius said. “Peter!”

Nothing, no response. Sirius slapped him hard across the face and Peter looked startled as he raised a hand to his cheek. 

“Look after James okay, I just need to get Remus and then I’m coming back for you guys I promise. Okay?”

Peter nodded weakly. Then Sirius picked up his gun and stepped back into the clearing. Remus was involved in hand to hand combat with a German soldier and another one was lining up a shot with the back of Remus’ head. Sirius didn’t think, he just raised his gun, aimed and fired. Remus managed to get his bayonet in the soldier and as he threw him aside, he caught Sirius’ eye and nodded before turning back to the fight.

Sirius need to get him out of there. Now. Everything was escalating and it was clear they were outnumbered. It wasn’t the noble option but their only hope for survival was to turn tail and run. But there was no way he was leaving without Remus. Him, James and Peter were all the family that Sirius had now, and he couldn’t stand to lose them. 

The fighting progressed across the field and closer to the edge of the forest. Good, at least now they’d have some cover. Everywhere Sirius turned there was more and more bloodshed. There were at least five enemy soldiers to everyone of theres and the ratio was only growing. It was a bloody ambush. Someone knew that they were going to be here. Sirius hated the way his brain turned to battle mode. The bodies on the ground were no longer people but tripping hazards. The enemies were no longer men but targets. Every thought narrowed to the next kill, the next move, the next possibility for survival. Suddenly, Sirius heard a laugh that sent chills down his spine. It was cold, unhinged, and mocking in nature, but it was also undoubtably Remus. Sirius turned to see Remus running into the woods trailed by a few soldiers. He ran his bayonet through the soldier in front of him and took off after Remus, bullets biting at his heels all the way. 

Remus was standing in a clearing surrounded by trees and rocks. There were four soldiers slowly circling him. Remus was bleeding from so many different places that Sirius wasn’t convinced he hadn’t been shot. Sirius watched him as he moved stealthily from tree to tree around the clearing, trying to position himself behind Remus. 

Remus laughed that awful cold laugh again and Sirius shuddered and found himself suddenly wanting to throw up. 

“Come and get me,” Remus spat at the Germans despite the fact they wouldn’t be able to understand what he was saying. As the tension built, Sirius slipped to another tree and got ready to make his final move. As Remus opened his mouth to speak again, Sirius unhooked a grenade from his belt and pulled the pin. Then in one swift movement he launched it into the clearing, stepped out from behind the tree, hooked his arm around Remus’ waist and dragged him behind a boulder where some animal had carved out a den.

“Do you have a fucking death wish?” Sirius hissed at him. His fear that he was going to watch Remus die pouring out of him in anger.

“Let me go!” Remus screamed and Sirius clasped a hand over his mouth as he heard the grenade go off in the distance. Remus went to move, and Sirius shifted his body weight so that he had Remus pined against the boulder. It should have been easy. Despite Remus’ height advantage, Sirius had more bulk, but something had been let loose inside of Remus and he was kicking and fighting against Sirius with a fight that seemed to come out of nowhere. Suddenly, he bit down hard on Sirius hand. As Sirius drew back in shock, he looked into Remus’ eyes and found himself startled to find he didn’t recognize him anymore. Something else had taken over and Remus had gone absolutely feral. He saw it now. The Wolf. And you have to believe that he never wanted to. 

The Wolf spat the blood and flesh he’d torn from Sirius’ palm onto the ground and then he grinned, he fucking grinned at Sirius, and it felt like he was taunting him. Challenging him to just try, go on and try, holding him back. 

The Wolf made to stand up and Sirius pressed his bayonet to his throat. Remus was still in there somewhere and Sirius wasn’t letting him go on a one-man suicide mission. The Wolf looked shocked at this change in events but remained undeterred. As he made to move forward again, Sirius gently pressed the bayonet into the flesh of Remus’ throat, drawing blood. He held the cold metal steady trying not to think about the way he’d kissed Remus in that spot only hours before. The Wolf seemed to understand that Sirius was genuine in his intent. He’d rather gut him here than watch helpless as the man he loved was torn to shreds. 

Footsteps sounded in the distance and Sirius clasped his hand over The Wolf’s mouth again. Not trusting that the bayonet on his throat would be enough to keep him quiet. He was baffled when he felt The Wolf lick his hand. Sirius eyes snapped back to meet his and the softness that Sirius remembered about Remus was gone instead they were filled with something else he couldn’t describe. Lust? Longing? Violence? Suddenly, it clicked. The Wolf was looking at him like he was prey, like he was something he wanted to eat. Sirius listened as the footsteps grew heavier and he heard the sharp bite of German before they eventually drifted away.

Sirius wasn’t sure how long they stayed there but it felt like hours. Every muscle of his body was cramping from being stuck in such an awkward position, but he didn’t trust himself to move sure that The Wolf would take the opening to overpower him. But as time went on The Wolf slackened beneath him, until slowly, piece by piece Remus came back to him. Eventually Sirius let the bayonet go and got up to his feet. He held out his hand for Remus and he took it but refused to look Sirius in the eyes. 

When they made their way back into the valley, the rest of the German soldiers were gone and the few surviving members of their party were searching among the bodies for those who were still alive and tending to the wounded the best that they could. 

“What happened?” Remus demanded of a passing soldier, suddenly back to his role as a leader again. The change made Sirius’ head spin as he tried to reconcile all of the pieces of Lupin together in his mind. 

“Those who weren’t hidden eventually surrendered sir. They took whoever they could find and left.”

“Right, keep helping tend the wounded.”

“Yessir,” and the soldier ran off again and Remus followed him. He didn’t even say anything to Sirius, he just left.

Sirius’ heart and head hurt but there was no time to deal with that now. He needed to find James and Peter and make sure they were okay. He finally found Peter among the men who were tending to the wounded. The soldier who was with him looked exasperated and was barking orders at him in order to get Peter to do anything, even a simple wound dressing. 

“Pete, where’s James?” Sirius asked. 

Peter stopped what he was doing to look at Sirius and the soldier rolled his eyes and took the gauze out of Peter’s hand. 

“Is Moony okay?” Pete asked, his voice coming out small and quiet.

“He’s fine. Where’s James?”

“I… I don’t know,” Pete said looking at the ground. “Some soldiers found us and I tried to do what you said, you know, to protect him. We got separated and by the time I made my way back he was gone.”

“Gone?”

“Sirius,” Peter called out, but was Sirius was already running back to the spot that he’d left James and Peter leaning up against the tree. He tried to convince himself it was the wrong place but his pack was where he’d left it and the ground was stained with blood, but James wasn’t there. Sirius stood dumbfounded for a moment before collapsing to his knees and that’s when he saw it. An envelope addressed to Lily Evans with James’ ghostly fingerprints staining the smooth white paper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, the next chapter is going to be pretty short so I think I'll post it over the weekend and then I'll be back again on Monday with another longer chapter. What do you think so far? I love hearing from all of you!


	14. MIA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super short so I thought I'd post it today and I'll be back with a longer chapter on Monday!

Lily scurried back to her desk with a fresh cup of tea as she brushed a loose strand of her ginger hair away from her face. She sat down in front of her typewriter and picked up the top slip of paper next to her and began to compose a letter. 

There were somethings that the Muggle world had that the Wizarding world could never compare to. The way a cup of tea tastes when you leave it to cool for the perfect amount of time. The way the nub of a fountain pen glided across paper without you needing to dip it in an ink pot every five seconds. And the sound of a typewriter as it hammered the letters into a page. 

She was glad to be here, doing this work in any way she could to help out the fight on the front lines. She had never been one to sit on the sidelines and let the boys run headlong into battle. If someone was raising their fists she was their beside them. So if this is what she could do, this is what she would do. 

It was hard work writing these letters all day and when she had first started she would go home and cry a lot. They often have girls quitting, unable to deal with the lists and lists of injured, missing or killed. Lily had learned how to distance herself from the realities of what she was doing. While it hurt her to not think of every name she typed as a real person, it was much easier to focus on the steady clack of the typewriter keys than think of the reaction of the mothers, fathers, siblings, or spouses who would be receiving these letters. 

Lily finished her letter and tugged the paper out of the machine, carefully laying it aside she picked up a clean paper and turned to the next slip of information on her desk.

Lily lifted the cup of tea to her lips as she skimmed the page for the appropriate information. She had to blink three times to make sure she was reading it right. 

Private James Potter. MIA. 

The teacup fell from her hand and shattered on the ground. The hot water burning her where it splashed up on her legs. She collapsed to the ground with it, pinching herself, certain this must be one of her awful nightmares. The ones were a black car with somber men in too nice suits arrived at her doorstep. The room fell silent as the women stopped working to see what was happening. A few came quickly to her side; they tried to soothe her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. It didn’t matter what they said, Lily Evans’ whole world had just gone gray.


	15. Marked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me so long to figure out! I had so many different ideas for what I wanted to happen next and I couldn't decide how they should play it. But I did it! So here it is!

They had arrived at the camp at daybreak having marched through most of the night, the need for medical treatment overcoming any need for rest. Sirius hadn’t spoken to Peter yet. He knew that he needed to find it in his heart to forgive him, but he was too angry at the world right now and he needed someone to blame. 

Remus had been gone all morning. Filling out and reporting all the missing, injured and killed. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if Lily knew yet. What was he going to say to her? How could he make up for failing to protect James? He was supposed to take care of him the way that James always cared for Sirius but he couldn’t even do that. Failure to the most noble house of Black was feeling more and more like an accurate title right now. 

“You’re hurt.” A voice said to him and Sirius looked up to young soldier with a medical patch on his arm standing over him. “Your hand.” He had said gesturing again to Sirius.

Sirius looked down at where Remus had bitten him. It looked a lot worse that it probably was. It was covered with dried blood and dirt to the point that you could no longer tell where the actual injury was. 

“May I?” The medic asked.

Sirius nodded and gestured for him to take a seat. 

“Wayne Green,” he told Sirius as he opened his bag to look for supplies. 

“Sirius Black.”

Wayne used a bit of water from his canteen and a cloth to start cleaning Sirius’ wound. 

“That’s quite a nasty bite, some Jerry get a chunk out of you?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Sirius said. Not feeling up to discussing the particulars of whatever had happened in the forest. 

“Well, you got to be careful. Even a small injury out here can you get you killed if you don’t take care of it properly.”

Sirius thought of James them. Shot and bleeding and who knows where. He tried hard to choke down the tears that were coming.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Wayne said laying a gentle hand on Sirius’ knee. “Sorry if I pushed too hard, me mum tells me I never know when to keep my mouth shut.”

“Sorry,” Sirius said. “It’s just been a hell of a week.”

“No need to apologize. It’s a hell of a war.”

Sirius smiled at Wayne. He had soft blue eyes and a gentle kindness to him. It was no wonder he was a medic. Something about him calmed the growing storm in Sirius’ heart. 

“Where you from Wayne?”

“Just outside of Kent, tiny little town.”

“You miss it?”

“Who doesn’t miss being anywhere but here?”

Sirius chuckled softly, but Wayne was right. Sometimes he found himself longing for his childhood home. At least there he knew who his enemies were, could hear them coming. 

“This is going to sting,” Wayne said as he poured antiseptic on the wound. 

Sirius didn’t flinch. Wayne took out some gauze and carefully covered and wrapped Sirius’ hand snugly. 

“All better,” Wayne said and then reached down and kissed Sirius’ hand. “Come find me later if you want to talk or just need a distraction to get away from here for a while.” Then he stood up and walked away. His bold offer left hanging out in the open air. Sirius’ eyes followed him out and he suddenly notice that Remus had been standing in the distance, watching. The second he locked eyes with Sirius he spun on his feet and stormed away. 

“Fuck,” Sirius said getting up and bolting after him. 

He caught up with him on the outskirts of the camp, still storming away without looking back.

“Remus!” Sirius called out after him. 

Remus stopped moving but didn’t say anything. 

“Remus, we need to talk,” Sirius said reaching out for Remus’ shoulder. Remus shook him off and turned around abruptly. 

“What is there to talk about? Clearly you found someone new.”

“Wayne?” Sirius said, both confused and frustrated that Remus would think so little of him. “I’ve literally never met him before in my entire life. He was fixing up my hand and I got upset. He took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person and decided that it was a good time to make a move on me. If you think that’s the kind of person I want you clearly don’t know me at all.”

“You know what?” Remus spat at him. “Padfoot is the perfect nickname for you because you’re just like a fucking dog! The second you see a new toy your tail starts wagging and you can’t move on fast enough.” His eyes were fiery and Sirius was so confused. This wasn’t the gentle Remus he knew at all.

“Rems, did I do something to hurt you? Is this about what happened in the woods? Because we can talk about it.”

“Yeah, Sirius. It’s about what happened in the woods. It’s about how you ran away from a fight. You’re a bloody coward. You couldn’t even protect your best friend.”

The words drove themselves into Sirius’ heart. Sirius knew this wasn’t Remus. He knew he didn’t mean any of it and yet it didn’t change how much it stung. He didn’t want to get riled up. He didn’t want to give Remus what he wanted but he could feel his anger bubbling up inside of his chest. 

“I was trying to save your life! You were being an idiot and I just needed to keep you safe.” Sirius said, failing miserably at keeping his voice neutral. 

“Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night Black.” Remus said the next part quietly without any hesitation in his voice. He stated it like it was a simple fact. “God, no wonder your family couldn’t stand you.”

“STOP IT! Just stop Remus!” Sirius screamed. “I don’t know what the fuck this is about but this isn’t you! Why are you saying all this shit to me?”

“It’s because-“ Remus started and then stopped himself, clenching his fists at his side.

“Because what?!”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you okay?!” Remus blurted out as tears came to his eyes. His voice trembled as he continued speaking. “Not any more than I already have. The Wolf…He…I bit you Sirius, but it could have been so much worse. You need to stay the fuck away and if I have to hurl every nasty insult in the world at you to make you leave than that’s what’s I’m going to do. Because I… I care you about Sirius and this is the only way I can protect you from me.”

“Protect me? Remus, it’s one bite. I’ll be okay and whatever this is, whatever is going on with you, we can get through it together. I’ll help you get through it. Just let me try. Please don’t shut me out,” Sirius said taking a step towards Remus who turned away from him. Sirius didn’t know if it was that James was missing or everything that had happened with his family, but he knew right now that he couldn’t take losing someone else. If Remus shut him out it would destroy him.

“You don’t get it do you?” Remus finally said softly.

“Get what, Remus? Please explain it to me. Help me understand. I want to understand.” Sirius said stepping closer to him.

“Someone like you could never be with someone like me.”

“Is this about your scars?” Sirius said cupping Remus’ face in his hand so he could run his thumb over the pale ridges that zigzagged across his face. “Because I don’t give a fuck about that. You’re beautiful Remus, everything about you is beautiful to me.”

Remus closed his eyes and leaned into Sirius touch and for moment Sirius thought they had moved beyond whatever this fight was, but then Remus wrenched his head away from Sirius’ hand and stepped backwards. “Just stop it okay, stop making this harder than it already is.”

“It doesn’t have to be this difficult. Just stop fighting this. Stop fighting us.” Sirius begged, hating how helpless he felt.

“You want to understand?” Remus said, voicing rising again. “Fine, I’ll help you understand. I know what you are Sirius. An elite boarding school with four distinct sections that students are sorted in to? You come from a pureblooded family. Besides without all of that everyone knows the names Potter and Black. Even a half-blood like me.”

A half-blood? Sirius thought, but that would mean- 

“Half-blood? But but I never saw you at Hogwarts. I’m sure I would have remembered even if you left early.”

Remus laughed and the cold disjointedness of it struck right to the core of Sirius’ heart. It was the laugh of someone the world had been cruel to for so long that now all that hardship just seemed like the worst joke. 

“Yeah, like they’d ever let someone like me into Hogwarts.”

“Someone like you? What are you? A squib?”

“Think about it Sirius,” Remus said, looking directly into Sirius’ eyes for the first time in the whole conversation. 

And suddenly it was like all the cogs of a machine were finally coming together. The scars. What Remus had said about peaceful nights. The Wolf. Hell, Sirius felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. 

“Yeah, I got bit when I was four. You can thank Fenrir Greyback for that one.” Remus said after watching a look of understanding pass across Sirius’ face.

“But I thought werewolves only turned at the full moon,” Sirius said remembering how he’d stared down The Wolf yesterday. 

“The full body transformation only happens during the full moon, but The Wolf is always inside of me. Something about violence… it… it brings him out in me. It’s like I’m riding shotgun in my own body.”

“Remus, that sounds awful.”

“Yeah,” Remus said wiping the tears that were starting to form away with the back of his hand. “So, you should of let me die out there with my men. It’s what I deserve.”

“I could never watch you destroy yourself like that. Rems, your men need you.” Sirius paused. “I need you.”

“God, a Black needing a werewolf. How is that for a poetic tragedy?” Remus smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes and Sirius knew he was just trying to lift some of the weight off what had been said.

“Look,” Sirius said stepping towards Remus again and this time he didn’t turn away. “I don’t know much about lycanthropy but I’m willing to learn. I… I meant what I said earlier I want to help. Just tell me what I can do.”

“You still don’t get it do you? The Wolf will tear you apart and not think twice about it. Besides he’s already marked you as his.”

“Marked me?”

“Your hand. When he hunts, he… he likes to play with his victims,” Remus squeezed his eyes tight as if he was trying to block out all the awful memories. “A small wound or injury leaves like a scent marker, kind of like a trace. That way he can find his way back to them later. He likes it better when they think they’ve gotten away. 

“I can stand up for myself. I won’t let him hurt me.”

“Right,” Remus said running his finger along the thin wound the bayonet had left on his throat. “And you pressed a bayonet to my throat as a first course of action.”

“Fuck, Remus, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Sirius said, wishing he could kiss all of Remus’ wounds away. “I just, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Like I said, should of left me to die. Maybe in death I could have finally become someone other than this mess.”

“Look at me,” Sirius said as he stepped closer and took Remus’ hands in his. “I’m not going to pretend to know the first thing about what you are going through. But I know myself, I know what I can handle and you don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t take. I want all of you. I…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

“Please Sirius,” Remus choked out as he broke down in tears. “This…leaving you. It’s killing me. I’ve never felt this way before either and I care too much about you to let this continue. I need…” he sobbed. “I need you to let me walk away.”

“You’re not getting rid of me Moony, you’re one of us now. Here, feel this,” Sirius said as he took one of Remus’ hand and put it flat on his own chest over his heart. Then he lay his own hand over Remus’ heart. Sirius’ heart was racing, some of it was likely the adrenaline but he knew too it was fear of losing Remus and nervousness at standing so close to him. He could feel Remus’ heartbeat fluttering under his hand, telling them that even if he wouldn’t admit it, he was feeling all the same things too. “Look me in the eyes and tell me again that you don’t want this”. 

Remus’ tears picked up again and Sirius could see then how tired he was. Tired of fighting what was happening between them. Tired of fighting against himself. Tired of having to take on everything on his own. Tired of pushing everyone away. Sirius pulled Remus into his chest and held him steady as he shook beneath his grasp.

“Besides you said it yourself Remus,” he whispered into his ear. “I’m marked already. I’m yours now. All yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Is this the answer you were expecting? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Comments and kudos are always welcome!


	16. Bitten

Sirius sat with his back leaned up against a tree. Remus was tangled up between his legs with his head resting on Sirius’ chest. Sirius was running his hand playfully through Remus’ curls as Remus traced his fingers along the inside of Sirius’ wrist.

“Tell me about it,” Sirius said.

“What?” Remus asked, although he already knew. He just wanted to delay the inevitable. 

“When you got bit.”

Remus sighed deeply and nuzzled himself deeper into Sirius’ chest. “My dad made an enemy of Fenrir by publicly calling for his death after Fenrir was released for a crime he committed. I don’t remember much about the actual attack, just flashes. I had this stuffed bear I used to sleep with as a kid. I remember being my mom kissing me goodnight and being curled up in my bed. The window was open to let some fresh air in. We never thought we had anything to fear living out in the country like we did. But then,” Remus said, suddenly stopping the movement of his hand and letting his fingers fall limp. “It was like all the light in the world was blocked out. There was this huge beast lurking over my bed and before I could even scream, he had his jaws around my neck. I remember him throwing me against the dresser and the sound of my seashell collection crashing to the floor. I remember my mother screaming and my father casting spells. I remember everything hurt in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I remember seeing my stuffed bear torn to pieces on the floor and I thought the stuffing looked like snow and then everything went black.”

Sirius pulled his hand out of Remus’ hair and kissed him gently on the forehead. He stroked his arm reassuringly and waited for him to continue.

“I was scared of the dark as a kid and I hated the basement. Those strange universal fears all children have. I still remember that first full moon in the cellar all by myself. How heartbroken my father looked as he carried me down there kicking and screaming. He left me sobbing on the floor begging to not be left alone where the monsters could get me. I didn’t even realize they already had. I didn’t even understand what had happened, what it meant to be bitten. I thought I was dying when the transformation started. Your bones break and reset and your skin tears and stretches to make room for the fur. I screamed for my mom. I can only imagine by dad was holding her back from coming down. When my father came down the next morning I couldn’t move. He simply scooped me up in his arms and brought me upstairs casting healing spells the whole way. I spent the whole day curled up in my mother’s lap. I didn’t cry, it was like that last link to humanity had been stripped from me. My father couldn’t even look me in the eyes. It was fine because I couldn’t look at him either. The first time I saw myself in a mirror I screamed. I can still remember the way my parents came sprinting down the hallway, my father already had his wand out. I think they thought Fenrir had come back to finish what he started. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier for them if he had.”

Sirius didn’t like to think about Remus, still a baby not yet a child crying alone in a dark basement, screaming in terror at his own reflection. He wanted to make all the pain and hurt of the past go away, but he understood that sometimes all we can for the people we love is to hold it for a little while.

“And now?” Sirius asked quietly, hoping he wasn’t pushing Remus too hard.

“Now the transformations are easier, well, to be honest I’m not sure if they’re easier or if I’ve just gotten used to the pain. But The Wolf, he’s gotten stronger and it’s a lot easier for things to get out of control. Out here, it’s easy enough to me to slip away for a night. Get myself as far away from anyone as possible and just let The Wolf run free for one night. But then the missions became more complicated and days all started to bleed into one another and all the sudden I was trapped in a field surrounded by enemy soldiers with nowhere to go and the full moon was rising. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, so The Wolf decided for me. But waking up in that bunker… no matter how hard I try I can’t scrub that scene from my head”

It wasn’t Remus who had killed those soldiers. It was The Wolf. Sirius knew that but he wasn’t sure that Remus did.

“You know,” Remus continued, “I had friends in the force once. But after that night, they never looked at me the same way. Everything fell quiet when I tried to talk to them and they were grateful yes, but there was this fear in their eyes. I decided it was better for everyone if I left. My parents never let me leave home much growing up, and no one wanted to let their kids play with a werewolf so I learned young how to be okay at being alone.”

“Don’t worry,” Sirius said. “You aren’t alone anymore. I’m not going anywhere.” But both of them knew that was an impossible promise to make in the middle of the war. Everything that had unfolded in the last few days was a constant reminder of how suddenly things could change. 

“Enough talking,” Remus said and twisted himself in Sirius’ lap so that he could kiss him. Sirius returned the gesture moaning softly as Remus sucked on his bottom lip. 

Before Sirius knew what was happening, Remus was shoving him to the ground and crawling on top of him. Sirius leaned up to plant kisess along the wound of Remus’ throat and he heard him whimper quietly in response. 

Remus was gentle and sweet as he outlined Sirius face with his fingers, his lips grazing over his cheeks. But then the softening in Remus’ demeanor changed as he pressed Sirius into the ground and his mouth became hungry, planting desperate, rough kisses on Sirius’ neck, collarbone, throat, any inch of skin he could find. Suddenly, Sirius wasn’t too sure if Remus was aware that he there anymore or if he was just the closest thing to warmth Remus could find. 

Remus’ kisses were undoing Sirius and as his stomach started to do backflips, Sirius forced himself to stay present. Because he wanted Remus, but not like this. 

“Remus” he forced out as he came up for air. 

“Mm,” Remus murmured as he began to fumble with the buttons on Sirius’ shirt.

“Remus, stop,” Sirius said. But Remus continued to work his way lower and lower.

Sirius bucked his hips forward with enough force to flip Remus onto his back and suddenly Sirius was the one hanging over him. 

“I said no,” Sirius told him, pinning Remus’ hands to the ground and just like that it was over, the spell was broken. Remus broke down in tears again and Sirius sat up so that he could pull him into his chest. 

“I’m sorry Sirius, I’m so sorry,” Remus said, pleading with Sirius for forgiveness as he buried his face into his shoulder. 

But Sirius understood what it meant to be so empty that forgetting everything about yourself feels like the only escape. Sirius remembered the late night rendezvous in closets and the way that after every letter or Howler from home he somehow managed to ‘accidently’ drink a little too much. He knew what it meant to want to forget, to want so desperately to feel anything but the pain that is ripping you apart from the inside out. But he also knew that it didn’t work, that all it did was dig you out from the inside until you were nothing but a hollow grave. He didn’t want that kind of emptiness for Remus. 

When Remus had calmed down enough, they headed back to the camp, Sirius hated leaving him and wished they could have spent the night in each other’s arms. He would have held onto Remus a little too tightly just to remind him that there was someone there. That Sirius would always be there for him. But it was probably for the best they both had some time to be alone with all the emotions that they had been avoiding. Remus’ conversation with Sirius had got him thinking and he realized there was still one more person he needed to reconcile with.

A couple of soldiers told him they’d seen Pete heading into one of the tents in the centre of camp and Sirius thanked them before going to find him. Sirius tugged the flap of the tent in question back and stepped inside. 

“Hey, Pete-“ Sirius started but stopped short when he took in what was in front of him. This was one of the tents used to plan and organize strategy and offensive movements. No one was supposed to be in here except for superior officers. The tent was deserted, even the radio technician was gone. But there was Peter, sitting next to a pile of papers holding what looked like some kind of cypher in his hand. The pages he had in front of him were covered in coordinates and information in Peter’s distinctive messy handwritten. Sirius remembered what he thought yesterday: It was a bloody ambush. Someone knew that they were going to be there.

“Peter?” Sirius said, his voice trembling with understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but whatever you do don't think about baby Remus Lupin being forced into the dark by himself absolutely terrified every full moon. I have no idea why, but I never thought about that before writing this chapter and it broke my heart.   
> Thanks for reading! I love hearing from you!


	17. Peter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote the next two chapters back to back and I feel they work better with one another in tandem which is why I'm posting them both at once. Sorry that we're taking a bit of a detour from the romance here but we'll get back to it soon!

“Peter?” 

The question hung heavy in the air even though Sirius could already feel the answer weighing on his heart. 

Peter spun around quickly and knocked a stack of papers to the ground in surprise. He bent down quickly and began to gather them up. 

“Sirius,” Peter said, failing miserably to hide the nervous tremble in his voice. “What are you doing here so late?”

“I could ask you the same question Pete. What’s going on? Those letters, are they in German?”

“I can explain,” Peter said putting up his hands and stepping backward defensively.

“What really happened that day with James?”

“I told you. A bunch of enemy soldiers found us. I took my gun and fought them off the best I could but by the time I got back to the clearing James was already gone.”

“Liar,” Sirius said and his eyes filled with flames as his anger came alight. Peter had never been a good liar. Always too nervous, too scared of whatever the person in power above him thought. His eyes always flashed to the left when he was lying, as if he was trying to read his lines off a script. Sirius watched as his eyes did that now.

“I… I’m not lying.”

“Bullshit Peter, you betrayed us, didn’t you?”

“I would never… James… James was like a brother to me.” 

Peter had just picked the wrong justification for his lie. He didn’t know the meaning of brotherhood. He didn’t know what it meant to have a friend who would do anything for you. A friend who’d risk his own status and reputation to be associated with an outcast pureblood. A friend who didn’t care about your family history because you showed him all the secret passageways he never knew about. A friend who brought you cold packs and bags of candy when you came back covered in bruises. A friend who became Sirius’ family long before James had ever called him brother or Euphemia and Fleamont had ever called him their son.

“What did you do Peter?” Sirius demanded; his eyes narrowed to slits as all rational thought was driven out of his mind. 

“I…I… didn’t mean to Sirius. It just started with one letter. They promised they could make things better. That they could keep me safe.”

“And what? You thought they actually gave a rat’s ass about what happened to you?

“Well it would have been nice if somebody did! You and James,” Peter paused looking down at the floor. “All I ever was to you was a joke.”

Sirius tried to reign in his shock. Leave it to Peter to use his insecurity as a cause for treason. “Look, I get we were twits in school, we were awful to everyone not just you. We should have been kinder when you were struggling and I’m sorry for that but we’ve never abandoned you Pete. You’re family to us. If we really didn’t want you around we could have made some excuse a long time ago. You have always been more than our friend. We were like our own version of The Three Musketeers. We were The Marauders, that was supposed to mean something Wormy.”

Peter’s voice was flat when he replied, “You don’t understand Sirius. You don’t understand the power these people have.”

“Did you tell them where we were going to be?” Sirius demanded, tired of playing Peter’s games. 

Peter nodded, his head looking like it was going to fly off of its hinges. He was nearing hysteria now. 

“I didn’t know how bad it could get out here Sirius. I just wanted someone to take all of that pain away. I didn’t think they’d ever really hurt us, but there were so many of them and they just tore the whole platoon apart. They…they shot James, Sirius. They could have killed any of us.”

“We’re in the middle of a bloody war! What did you think they were going to do?”

Peter sobbed. He was pathetic.

“What happened to James?” Sirius asked again. 

“I… I heard the soldiers coming and I panicked. I ended up kicking over your pack and someone heard. They started getting closer. I…I got scared and I ran. Besides, I’m too small, there’s no way I could have carried James anyways.”

Everything in Sirius’ mind went white hot with anger as he charged towards Peter, slamming him against the table. 

“He was your friend! We all were! I trusted you! He trusted you!!” Sirius screamed, only slightly aware of the tears that were now burning their way down his own face. He had just lost James and now he was losing Peter too and in the worst way possible. 

Sirius didn’t know whether it was out of hysteria, fear, or the relief of someone finally knowing but Peter started laughing. The same laughter that used to echo down the hallways of Hogwarts with his and James when they finished another prank. The same laughter that accompanied his as they watched James make a fool of himself over and over again in front of Lily Evans. The same laughter that he heard drunk playing truth or dare on James’ living room floor. The same laughter that was now mocking him, mocking their history, mocking the pain and harsh reality of the decisions that had been made. 

Sirius saw a knife sticking out of the wood table and reached for it with his left hand while holding Peter down with his right. Peter saw the blade and his eyes went cold. The laughter died out immediately. 

“Come on Pads, you would have done the same. Don’t tell me there was never a moment with your family where you thought you could have it all. All the power and control.”

“Never,” Sirius spat. 

“You don’t get it, do you? You’ll never get it. You’ve always had everything. The girls. The popularity. The good looks. You’ve never had to fight for anything in your whole life.”

“You know that isn’t true Peter. You know what it took for me to walk away from my family.”

“Come on Sirius,” his eyes flashed nervously to the knife. “I didn’t have another choice. You don’t know what people with that kind of power can do.”

Oh, Sirius knew what people with that kind of power could do. He had watched his family destroy others for years. Hell, he might have not understood it at first, but he knew now that this was what James was fighting against. People who thought they were better than others for no good reason. People with power who used it to keep everyone else down. 

“You had a choice. I would rather die than betray my friends.”

And then he swung the knife. Because he couldn’t keep James safe. Because he hadn’t been able to pull Peter out of the darkness. Because he failed Lily to bring the three of them back together. This was the last thing that he could do. He could end this here. He could protect Remus and the platoon. He could burn the letters and hide the body. 

But then Peter, ever the coward, kicked his boot into the soft skin around Sirius’ ankle. He twisted in pain and the knife came down on the table instead. Peter moved but not quickly enough and the knife severed his index finger. Peter howled in pain and as Sirius struggled to tug the knife out of the wood Peter tried to escape. Sirius swung his own leg out, tripping Peter who fell to the ground with a loud thud. 

“What the hell is going on in there?” A loud voice called from outside the tent. 

Sirius’ froze. He couldn’t undo what had been done but he could at least trap Peter, turn him in and argue the knife wound was in self defense. Sirius turned and gave the blade one final tug before it came loose but when he spun around, he caught Peter’s boots slipping away as crawled under the canvas of the tent, scurrying away like the rat he was. Sirius headed for the front of the tent to cut him off but ran squarely into four officers who had come to see what the ruckus was about. 

Sirius took a step back as he watched the officers’ faces dart quickly around the tent. Suddenly, Sirius saw the situation from their eyes. He was standing in the middle of a tent that was off limits, wielding a knife, with letters to the German forces giving away their tactical information spread out everywhere, and in the midst of it all, a bloody finger lay still warm on the table.


	18. Taking Orders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter for today!!

Sirius sat in the officer’s tent. No one was happy about this inconvenience and was even less happy about the reality that there was a traitor in their midst. No matter what Sirius tried to say the odds were stacked against him.

“You expect me to believe that you found the traitor and attacked him only to have him escape? You do realize that even if you weren’t a traitor, that you attacked a fellow officer instead of turning him into the appropriate authorities?” The commanding officer demanded.

Sirius didn’t say anything. He couldn’t look at them. He didn’t want to see the way they avoided looking at him. It took him back to when he first started at Hogwarts all those years ago. When no one wanted to be associated with the Black family, especially the outcast Gryffindor Black. It took him years to change their perspective over him and then no one could keep his eyes off of him. Even then, when everyone was looking at him, no one really saw him. Attractive and popular brought its own special brand of loneliness and he never knew which was worse.

“I apologize sir. I let my temper get the best of me, but I can promise you I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the safety of myself or my fellow soldiers.”

“Well you have by letting him get away.”

“He didn’t take any information with him sir.”

“I’m sure that’s what you’d like us to think.” The commanding officer breathed in deeply and ran his hands through his hair. “What the hell am I supposed to do with you? I don’t have the time to deal with a bloody court-martial out here.”

“Please, sir. After the war is done, I’ll take whatever punishment you want to give me. But I want to fight. I need to fight.” Sirius couldn’t lose this. He’d messed everything up already and this was the last right thing he could do.

“How can I trust you with my men?”

“You don’t have to.” Remus’ voice cut through the din and Sirius found himself shocked to watch these superior officers fall silent and straighten out. You’d have thought that he’d was a decorated general by the way he quietly took command of the room. He’d cleaned himself up since Sirius had last seen him and for once he seemed to fill out his uniform completely. It was no wonder Captain Blair had trusted him fully and for the first time Sirius understood how he had been able to enlist so young and get away with it. Sirius tried to remember the severity of the situation and to not let this new, commanding Remus turn his insides to goo.

“Lieutenant Lupin,” the commanding officer said.

“My apologies to interrupt, sir.”

“No worries, if you have a better idea of how to deal with this mess, I’d be glad to hear it.”

“Well sir, this camp is full with the leftover scraps of platoons that largely no longer exist. If you’d allow me sir, I would like to make a new platoon out of any men that would like to join me. I learned a great deal under Captain Blair and I feel I’ve proved myself as a capable leader.”

“How does this help my current scenario?”

“I trust Private Black, sir. He’s proven to me more than once that he is someone who can be relied on in battle. Furthermore, he saved my life.” Remus stopped and looked Sirius in the eye. It took everything in him not to melt. Remus quickly turned away before he could blush. 

“If you allow me this platoon sir, I will take Private Black under my command. You won’t have to trust him with your men, I’ll trust him with mine. If there are any issues, I will take full responsibility for his insubordination.”

The commanding officer looked from where Remus was standing over to Sirius was sitting and seemed to decide that this was the best course of action.

“Alright Lupin, you can start gathering men first thing tomorrow morning.”

Remus nodded curtly in response. “Thank you, sir.”

“And you,” he continued looking at Sirius, “consider yourself very lucky to have such good friends. I won’t be as kind if this happens again.”

“Of course, sir.” Sirius said. 

“Now, get out of my tent.”

Sirius scurried to his feet and followed Remus quickly out of the tent. Sirius knew he needed to say something, but he could tell from Remus’ demeanor that he needed to wait until they were far enough away to carry out the rest of this conversation. Remus stopped suddenly when they reached the edge of the forest and decided that they were far enough from the camp that no one could hear them.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Remus said turning to face Sirius. He was angry but he was still carrying his commanding demeanor from earlier. All Sirius wanted to do was kiss him, but if they’d learned anything it was that that wasn’t always the answer to the situation.

“I’m so sorry Remus, after I left you, I wanted to make up with Peter. I thought I’d been unfair with him and I wanted to make peace, but then I found him in the tent. And I realized he’d sold us out Remus, and I’d just lost James and I realized it was all his fault. I trusted him and he betrayed me, and I just wanted to make him hurt the way that I did. I wanted to make him pay for what he did wrong.”

“So, you attacked him?” Remus yelled and Sirius was so tired of this. So tired of always making Remus angry. He wanted to be with him again the way they had when they were dancing, when the world had felt so simple and they felt so at peace. 

“I’d messed everything else up. It felt like the only right thing that I could do.”

“Killing a man was the only right thing you could do?”

“James… James was my family, Peter was too. Losing both of them at once, I couldn’t take it.”

“God you’re lucky you’re pretty,” Remus said rubbing his temples in a way that reminded Sirius of an exhausted parent.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius demanded trying to wrap his head around the way Remus’ comment both made his heart flutter and ache at the same time. The old fire burned inside of him again.

“Don’t you get it?” Remus yelled and Sirius caught sight of his lip trembling as he tried to maintain his composure. “Your stupid decision could have meant I would have lost you!”

Sirius’ shoulders slumped. He had been thinking of James and Peter. The family he had before here that had been taken away from him. He forgot about the family he had found. That being arrested and thrown in prison would have left Remus alone. 

“You promised you weren’t going to leave me.” Remus said trembling with anger.

Sirius stepped closer to Remus and pulled him against his chest. 

“Don’t –“ Remus said, but then he fell into Sirius’ arms sobbing anyway because he was tired. He was tired of being alone and he was tired of living in fear that everything he loved could be taken away from him.

“I’m so sorry Moons. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking, I never think. The truth is, I don’t care about me. I don’t, I’d always let myself take the fall for whatever stupid shit we did in school as long as it meant James and Peter were going to be okay. I’m still,” Sirius paused to hold Remus away from him so he could look into his eyes when he said the next part. “I’m still not used to my life mattering to people. I know it did to James and I know it does to Lily, but I guess I always knew they’d have each other. This, us, this is different and new to me. And I’m so sorry I didn’t think about that when I went after Peter. Maybe, maybe in some stupid way I wanted to be locked up because it felt like what I deserved for failing to protect them.”

“Sirius-“ Remus started.

“No, I messed up. And I’m sorry, I’ll listen to whatever you say. You’re right, I made a promise to you that I wasn’t going anywhere and I’m not. You’re my everything now Remus and I won’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

Remus pulled him into a tight hug and whispered a gentle thank you into Sirius’ ear.

“Besides,” Sirius said pulling back so he could see Remus again, “I kind of like it when you’re commanding.”

“Oh, you do?” Remus said raising his eyebrow at Sirius who was falling in love with the way his scars danced across his face as his expression changed.

“Yessir,” Sirius mumbled in a deep voice. 

“Well then, I command you to kiss me Private Black.”

What can I say? Sirius Black was starting to love following orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this didn't feel to repetitive. I feel Remus and Sirius have a lot of the same issues to work out and those are going to keep coming up again and again. But I always love to hear your feedback! Was this too similar to chapters 15 and 16 for you? What did you think?  
> I'll be back with another letter based chapter this Friday!!


	19. Letters III

Dear Lily,

I’m so sorry. I messed everything up. James is missing and it’s all my fault. It breaks my heart to tell you any of this, but you deserve the truth. 

We were simply walking along when the shots came out of nowhere. It was an ambush. James got shot Lily. Not terribly, just in the arm but it was bleeding pretty bad. I dragged him and Peter away from that mess and fixed up James’ arm the best I could. 

But Lily, Remus was out there. I’m not going to try and justify what I did. I don’t know if there was any right answer in that situation, but I left Peter to protect James and I went after Remus. 

Lily, what I have to say next is going to break your heart, I know it destroyed mine. Peter betrayed us. He sold us out to the Germans, I caught him writing letters to them. I wanted so badly to hurt him, to make him pay for what he did to us, for what he did to our family, but I couldn’t even do that and he got away. He abandoned James when he needed him the most. We both did. 

James is still out there Lily. I know that with everything in my heart. I’m going to find him. I know it can’t undo everything that I’ve done but I’m going to bring him home. 

When I went looking for him, I found this letter. He tried to give it to me before I went to find Remus, but I told him he could give it to you himself. I still believe he’s coming home to write a thousand more letters, but I think we both need some James in our lives right now. I don’t know what it says but I hope it helps you find some peace.

I made a promise Lily and I failed. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.

Your friend,  
Sirius

Lily’s heart broke as she read Sirius’ letter and it pained her to think that he was out there without her breaking in the same way. Grief isn’t eased by other people, but sometimes it is nice to have a reminder that we’re not alone. 

She pulled out the other envelope that was inside and her fingers trembled to see James’ soft handwriting tracing out the letters of her name. There were fingerprints stained onto the white paper and she tried not to think about what substance it was. Instead she just pressed her fingers against them, trying to believe if only for a moment that she was holding his hand. Then she tore the seal and the read the letter inside. 

Dear Lily,

This is one letter I hope you never get. It’s my ‘just in case’ letter. I know, I know, I can here you scolding me to not this think this way, but I’ve been thinking a lot Lily and I’m scared, but I know I’m doing the right thing.

If you are reading this, it means something has happened to me. Know that in my last moments my thoughts were of you. Of what it would be like to hold you in my arms on a warm summer’s day with our whole future ahead of us. 

Promise me you’ll have a future without me Lily. Promise me you’ll be happy. 

I need you to look after Sirius. I know he’s going to blame himself for whatever happens. He needs someone to pull him out of the darkness. He’s going to need you to be his light. Keep an eye on Peter for me too, I know he gets a little lost sometimes, but he has a good heart. Keep showing him the kindness of the world even when he doesn’t believe in it himself. 

And there’s someone else I need you to look after too Lily, Remus Lupin, we call him Moony, I’m sure Sirius will tell you the whole story once he stops gushing about him. I wish I could have gotten to introduce you two myself. He’s gentle and soft and kind. He loves reading and he has the same strict no nonsense attitude that reminds me of a certain red headed prefect. I feel like in another time you two would have been the best of friends growing up. He’s our fourth Marauder now. He won’t admit it but he’s lonely. He needs good people in his life. He needs people like you. 

I’m so sorry I’ve spent so much of this letter talking about other people and asking you to do things for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to face what this letter really is: a goodbye. I don’t want to face the reality that you’ll never get to give me that kiss. That we won’t get to have a beautiful messy life together. That I’ll never get to see you smile again in that way you do when you are trying so hard to be mad at me but can’t. A thousand lifetimes wouldn’t be enough time with you Lily Evans. I’m not a religious man, but I hope we find each other in our next lives. I have to believe our hearts beat so strongly for one another that even death can’t rip them apart. 

So enjoy yourself Lily, don’t grieve for me too deeply and live this life as fully as you can. Know I will spend every moment waiting to be reunited with again. I love you Lily Evans.

Until the next lifetime.

Forever yours,  
James

Sirius opened the letter he had received from Lily. There were five words inside.

Come home to me Sirius.

That was all Sirius needed to know that he had been forgiven. He knew the letter he had sent Lily had been a lot and he could imagine the way her heart was breaking at not knowing if James was okay and learning that their friend had been the cause of this whole mess. Some things are too heavy to put into words. Sometimes an empty page is the only way we can express how we feel. 

What surprised Sirius was that there was another envelope inside in the letter, and it had Remus’ name on it. He made his way over to where Remus was sitting hunched over a map and passed him the envelope. 

“What? Are we writing each other love letters now?” Remus joked, smiling uncontrollably the way he always did when Sirius was around.

“No,” Sirius said gently smiling back. “It’s from Lily.”

Sirius watched Remus’ face fall as he opened the envelope. Sirius sat down next to him and watched his eyes run across the page. 

Dear Remus,

It’s lovely to meet you even from a thousand miles away. My boys cannot shut up about you so I assume you must be something special. 

James believes we would have been friends in another universe, and while that boy can be an absolute idiot, he knows people. I have to believe him. I miss him terribly and I want nothing more than to have someone to blame. I know Peter is the right person to pour that anger into but somehow hating him feels too small. It feels like not enough. And that’s how it feels from a thousand miles away so I can’t imagine what it is like being there. 

I’m trusting you to look after Sirius now. I need you to make sure he doesn’t blame himself too harshly for this. James gave him everything when he had nothing, and Sirius has always felt the need to give him something in return. James was never able to convince him that his friendship was enough. But I imagine that’s something only us lonely hearts understand, right?

Please don’t blame yourself either. I know you’re a leader but you’re a human being too. We can’t always be heroes. All we can do is try. 

I can’t wait to meet you in person. 

Your friend,  
Lily

P.S. I heard you like to read? I do too. Which means I know a thousand ways to kill a man and none of them are quick. If you break Sirius’ heart, I’ll be sure you’ll experience every last one of them.

“What does it say?” Sirius asked Remus when he finished. 

“That she’ll murder me if I hurt you.”

Sirius laughed and Remus smiled as he rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder, for once not caring if anyone saw. He thought again about Lily’s letter and the way the world hurt a little less when you had friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love letter chapters so much! I wish we still wrote letters to one another. I would definitely seal mine with a fancy wax stamp.   
> On Monday we find out more about James...


	20. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We found out what happened to James...

When the Germans strung them up and marched them away, all James could think about was Sirius. He knew that was awful of him. He knew that he should be thinking about Lily and he had been, but he was less worried about her. Lily was strong and beautiful and also incredibly rational. He knew the news of his disappearance would hurt her deeply, but he also knew that she had a way of compartmentalizing things that Sirius didn’t. Sirius had always been wild. James figured it came as a result of his over structured family. He felt the need to retaliate against anything that was order and structure as if in some form of protest. Besides Sirius was his brother. James couldn’t imagine what he would do if something had happened to him.

And of course, it wasn’t just anything that happened to James. It was Peter. James kept trying to push the image out of his mind, but he couldn’t shake it. Peter had kicked Sirius’ pack, alerting the Germans to where they were and then he ran. That wasn’t the worst part of it all. The worst part was he looked back. He looked back and saw James sitting there. James who had done everything for him, who had always been a friend. Okay, maybe when he was younger, he had been a bit of a jerk. But he was there. He was always there for Pete, and Pete… Pete just looked him in the eyes and left him there to die.

The thing was, James could have run. He was shot in the arm not the leg. But he knew Peter had left unarmed. If the Germans found him it would have been ten times worse. James had a gun, but he was also injured. Maybe they’d take pity on him and let him leave. Either way, James would rather die at the hands of his enemies then even take a chance that he could lead them to Peter. Even with Peter’s betrayal he couldn’t do that. They had been friends. And maybe that didn’t mean anything to Peter, but it meant something to him. 

What Peter had done would never stop hurting but James could live with it, learn to carve the memory of their friendship from his chest until it was nothing but a bad dream. His concern was what Sirius would do if he ever found out, and odds are he would find out, Peter was a terrible liar. He just held onto hope that Remus would be able to keep his head on straight. Well, maybe straight isn’t the right choice of word. James wasn’t sure if he was surprised by Sirius’ sudden revelation, but honestly it didn’t matter what he felt about it. He was just happy that Sirius was happy. All he ever wanted was for Sirius to find his own Lily Evans. Okay, that was a weird comparison, but what he meant was that he wanted Sirius to have someone like Lily in his life. Someone who helped him see the good in himself that he didn’t know he had. James had spent years telling Sirius he was nothing like his family and that he had made the right choice, but it always felt like he was listening without really hearing. James had always hoped that if he found the right person, he might finally believe it. 

The longer they marched the blurrier James’ thoughts got. The throbbing his arm was getting worse and Sirius’ makeshift bandage hadn’t done much to fix the wound. James was pretty sure the bone was broken and almost certain that the bullet was still lodged in his arm somewhere. The wound looked atrocious and the rest of his arm was shifting colours from green to purple to gray. Some of the other prisoners did their best to help him change the bandages but he needed a real doctor and soon. 

Eventually, they arrived at a railway track and the Jerrys loaded them all onto a train car. James head was starting to ache now, and the rumble of the tracks wasn’t much help. Every bump made him want to vomit. He tried to focus on the conversations of the other prisoners around him to steady himself. Some wanted to fight, some just wanted to go home, and some were just tired. James would try to pick one person and repeat every word they said back to himself, but it was like the time Sirius and him and tried to catch frogs by the pond, they just kept slipping out of his grasp. So, he turned his thoughts to Lily, but even the shape of her face was hazy, and James couldn’t quite remember whether her eyes were green or blue. That’s when he really knew things were not going well.

James wasn’t sure if it was days or hours when they train stopped. But every so often he’d be jostled awake and someone would help drag him outside to relieve himself. He was too exhausted and feverish to feel embarrassed. As his temperature got higher, he remembered less and less about these pit stops and all he got was flashes. Someone murmuring his name. Cool water being poured down his throat. Blistering pain as someone touched his arm. Then darkness.

The next clear and cohesive thought James had was that his neck was sore. He must have slept on it awkward, he thought, but this didn’t feel like his bed. It felt too cold and stiff. James opened his eyes, but everything was blurry, so he squeezed them tight again and fumbled for his glasses. But suddenly, something didn’t feel right. James’ eyes snapped open again and he squinted at his arm. Certain that this had to be a dream. That his eyesight was bad enough that he couldn’t possibly be seeing this right. But the longer he stared the more apparent reality became. He was missing the lower three quarters of his arm. And with that came back all the other memories. This bloody war. The gunshot wound. Peter’s betrayal. His letter for Lily left lying in the forest. The Germans kidnapping him. The never-ending train ride to who knows where. He lay his head back down and closed his eyes trying to block out the tears. He missed Sirius. He missed Remus. He missed Lily. He missed home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I kept you all in suspense for so long!! I hope this chapter answered some of your questions! Comments and kudos are always welcome, I love hearing from you :)


	21. A New Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit more James for you today! Also I just want to say I'm in no way an expert about the amputee experience, but I have done my best to do my research in order to write from a place of understanding. If you ever have any concerns about the way I'm portraying something please let me know and I'll do my best to fix it!

James wasn’t quite sure when he’d fallen back asleep. But waking up and remembering the second time wasn’t any less painful. He needed to find his glasses and he needed to know where he was. He sat bolt upright and began to fumble around him. He couldn’t get over the way he could still feel his arm. If he closed his eyes, he could feel his hand reaching out, rummaging over surfaces, could feel its weight against his body, only to open his eyes again. He took in the room around him, twisting sharply, and was overwhelmed by a sudden bout of dizziness and nausea. 

“Whoa, slow down there, soldier.” A voice said, reaching out to steady him. James could just make out the shape of him. 

“Glasses?” James asked. 

“Right,” the voice said and fumbled with something before placing a pair of glasses in his hands. 

“Thanks,” James mumbled and shoved them on his face.

He got his first good look at his bad arm and felt his head begin to spin again. There was a stub about eight inches in length still connected to his shoulder blade. It was swollen and puffy and looked about twice the size of his arm regularly. The end of the stump was wrapped tightly in gauze and bandages. 

The man seemed confused that James hadn’t said anything yet, but then seemed to take in the fact that was James was still focused on his missing arm. Unable to pull his eyes and thoughts away from his new reality.

“Right,” he breathed deeply. It didn’t matter how long he’d been doing this for, it never got any easier, you just learned ways to keep the hurt distant from yourself. He didn’t like to think of it as being cold. He thought of it in terms of survival. “Sorry about that.”

“Sorry?” James asked. Turning his attention to the man in front of him. He looked to be in his mid-twenties, so at least a good number of years older than James. His hair was an unruly mess and James was pretty sure his shirt was on backwards. The bags under his eyes completed the general lack of unrest that exuded off of him. 

“Your arm was badly infected by the time you got here. The bone was broken, and the bullet was still lodged in the tissue. I would have tried a less aggressive form of treatment but the infection had spread too far, between your fever and the malnutrition… I wasn’t sure you were going to make it.”

James nodded somberly, trying to process this information like it was a lesson at Hogwarts, trying to make seem distant, trying not to allow it to completely destroy him. This was what he’d signed up for, wasn’t it? For King and country? He knew this could happen, hadn’t he?

“The infection,” James asked, clearing his throat to try and brush off how shaky his voice was. “It’s gone now?”

“We can only hope.”

James nodded. Grateful for once that someone wasn’t telling him lies. 

“Where am I?”

“Trier. German POW camp.”

Trier? But that would mean he was in Germany. Even further from home, even further from Lily. 

“Where are you from?” The man asked. 

“This an interrogation?” 

“No, I’m just a doctor.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard stories about lots of Nazi pricks who like to call themselves ‘just doctors.’”

The man flinched and James instinctively felt bad. After all, he had saved his life. He could have just let the infection take his course and let him die. 

“I’m James Potter.” He said, hoping to clear the air a bit.

“I know.”

James raised an eyebrow at him accusingly.

“Sorry, it’s just your dog tags.”

“Ah, right,” James said. They’d served their purpose, but he still hated the way that they stripped him down to a name and number. That there were too many bodies to waste time identifying the dead in any other way. 

“Dr. Brine.”

“Your English is good, are you German?”

“Like I said, I’m just a doctor. They needed someone to patch you soldiers up when you show up bleeding and half-dead. Geneva convention and all that.”

“Of course,” James said letting out a dead laugh. “Because war has order and rules. Everyone plays along and does exactly what their told. Besides if you’re going to brutally murder each other you should at least do it humanely.”

“All politics, I stay out of that, I’m just a doctor.”

“Are you trying to test me for a head injury? Or is that just the extent of your vocabulary.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said turning around to grab some new gauze and slowly began to unwrap James old bandages. “It’s just in this line of work you…”

Try not to get attached, James thought. He looked down at his arm and tried not to think about the hidden infection that could be seeping through his veins right now, waiting to strike again and take the rest of him this time. 

They didn’t speak as he finished redressing James’ arms. 

“Alright, you should be good to go, try to keep it as clean as you can.”

“Go?” James asked, feeling a brief fluttering of hope that they might just let him walk away.

“Sorry, poor choice of words. Someone will be here soon to take you to your new bunk.”

Sure enough, someone was at the door shortly. James politely thanked the doctor as he followed him out. He wondered how you worked in his profession at a time like this. How you can save lives when you know that for every person you save there are another five being torn apart at the same time. He figured he must be doing whatever he could to try and prove that humanity still had something good left in it. That there was still something worth fighting for. After all, isn’t that what they were all doing?

“Frank Longbottom,” the man who had been sent to retrieve him introduced himself.

“Private James Potter, 32nd division.”

“Right, we don’t really use ranks here. Gets a bit tiring after a while.”

James nodded. He had said his rank without thinking but now that it was out in the open he couldn’t stop thinking about Sirius and Remus. Where they were, if they were still alive. He shook his head, as if trying to shake the negative thoughts from his mind and set himself into another dizzy spell. He really needed to stop doing that. 

“You okay?” Frank asked reaching out to steady him.

“Yeah, the whole missing an arm thing is really throwing my balance off.”

Frank laughed and it was deep and hearty. The carefree sound in a prison made James’ heart tighten. 

“How long have you been here?” James asked. 

“About three months I think,” Frank replied. 

James nodded, understanding the way that out here time seemed to matter all too much and too little. When you were marching it was impossible to tell if you’d been walking for one day or twenty but in the heat of battle a split-second decision could change everything. 

Eventually, Frank dropped him off at the bunks and left after giving him a rundown of where everything was and how a typical day in the prison went. The long story short was that it was miserable. All with the exception of Red Cross days when volunteers would hand out extra rations including chocolate. On those days Frank said people would do anything to get their little taste of paradise. 

Before he left he told James he could have the rest of the day off on account of him just getting out of the infirmary but that they would expecting him to get to do his share soon. Not that James was sure he could do anything.

He spent most of the time in the bunk trying to figure out what he could and couldn’t do. Changing his shirt wasn’t too much of a challenge. Pants were much more difficult. His current challenge was shoelaces. He figured he could do it pretty easily if he used his mouth to move the other lace but the doctor’s warning about infection was still lingering in his head and he didn’t want to risk adding anything else to his system that could make him weak. He figured he could tie a knot by securing a lace with one foot and using his hand to tie the other one around it, but after that he couldn’t get the damn bunny ears to work. It was frustrating, something a child could do with ease was so difficult, and it was really hitting him now how difficult everything was going to be. He was going to have to relearn how to live his whole life. The bunny loop slipped through his grasp again and James took off his boot and hurled it at the wall in anger. It bounced off the wall and landed on the floor with a loud thud.

“What did that boot ever do to you?” Frank asked, reappearing from his days work. 

“Can’t get the goddamn shoelaces tied.” He knew Frank was only joking and that he could have responded with a joke, but he was too tired and frustrated to think of anything else. 

Frank nodded and went to retrieve the boot. He helped James put it back on and then kneeled in front of him to knot the laces. 

“We’ll figure out something tomorrow. Can’t have me tying your laces for the rest of your life, can you?” 

James nodded and bit down on his bottom lip. Overwhelmed by this simply gesture of kindness. 

“I’ve never been patient. My brother Sirius, he gave me the nickname Prongs. Always too headstrong he said. It was like I had antlers that were always getting in my way.”

“I get that. My Alice says I’m all big ideas and no follow through. I once started making dinner but then got a spark of inspiration for a new invention. I left to write it down and was gone so long I almost burned the house down.”

James laughed. “And yet they trust us with guns.”

Frank nodded and helped James up to his feet. 

“Do you miss her?” Frank looked at him questioningly. “Your Alice?”

“Every damn day. It’s going to sounds silly but sometimes if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can almost convince myself I can smell her perfume.”

“I get it,” James said. He reached into his jacket and pulled out the scrap of Lily’s handkerchief from where he’d tucked it into a split seam in his jacket. They’d taken all the letters or maybe they were lost on the train, he couldn’t remember but he still had this small piece of her. “I know it probably smells more like mud and me then her now, but it’s still something. Still a tether to another life.”

“May I?” Frank said and held out a hand for the piece of cloth. James handed it over to him reluctantly and watched as he traced his fingers over the fabric. “Beautiful,” he said handing it back. 

James smiled. Glad to have someone understand what it meant to have half your heart miles away. 

“Come on, don’t want be late for dinner.” Frank said. 

And just like that James had found another friend. They both knew that they couldn’t replace the people that they were missing, they friends that they’d lost, but they were both longing to be anywhere other than here and in the midst of the war people liked each other for less.


	22. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! Sorry the fic has been a little angsty lately. Thought I'd bring you some fluff today to soften things up. I'm really excited for you to read this chapter and I hope you enjoy it too!  
> I might clean up some of the formatting a little bit later on, I hope the quotes within quotes isn't too confusing

Sirius stood at the edge of the camp watching the trees rustle in the distance. He was trying really hard to get his brain to stop thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. His brain did that sometimes, had for as long as he could remember. It was like everything went into overdrive and he couldn’t make it stop. It was what his brain had been doing when he passed out at Hogwarts. It was what his brain was often doing when he couldn’t sleep at night. 

“Do you believe in sleep?” A voice behind him said and Sirius smiled at the way he parroted their earlier interaction. 

“I could ask you the same question.” Sirius responded. If Remus was going to take his lines, two could play at that game.

But this time it was Remus’ turn to wait quietly and let the silence hang in the air. The night was cool and there was a gentle breeze. For a brief moment you could almost convince yourself that the world was peaceful. 

“I don’t get many quiet nights,” Sirius said giving off a pained smile. “It’s always been this way. Things just get too loud and I can’t shut it off.”

“Loud?”

“In here,” Sirius said tapping his temples. 

Remus nodded gently in response. He might not be able to understand exactly what Sirius was feeling but he knew a little something about the madness within. 

“What’s all that?” Sirius asked, mostly to change the subject but also because he was curious about the bundle of stuff under Remus’ arm. “You aren’t leaving me behind, are you?”

“No, quite the opposite. I…” Sirius watched as Remus blushed furiously. It would never stop being adorable. “I just thought… I mean…” Sirius smiled gently at him and Remus took a deep breath before speaking again. “We never really got to have a proper first date.”

“You don’t call our moonlight dance a first date?” Sirius teased.

“I don’t recall you ever asking me out.” Remus fired back, settling a little with the return to witty banter. He wasn’t good at opening himself up to people. It was easier to hide behind a self-deprecating joke than face the truth most times. 

“Fine. Will you, Remus Lupin, go on a date with me?”

Remus smiled coyly. “It doesn’t seem far that you get to take credit for this being your date when I’m the one who went out of my way to gather supplies.”

“What supplies?”

“Everything you need to have a memorable night.” Remus said with a wink and it was Sirius’ turn to blush. Remus would have been lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he was enjoying it immensely. 

Remus pulled out a thread bare and worn blanket and began to spread it out on the dirty ground. He then sat down on it and started to pull other items from his bag.

“Come sit,” he said when he realized that Sirius still hadn’t moved. 

Sirius took a seat beside him and watched as Remus produced a few handheld flashlights. He stood them on their stems like they were candles but seemed to think better of it and arranged them around the blanket so that they cast enough light for them to see by. 

“Where did you get all of this?” Sirius asked as Remus continued to rummage in his bag for something else. 

“I may have borrowed it,” he said with a smile.

“Remus Lupin. We’ll make a scoundrel of you yet.”

“Just cause I follow the rules doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy breaking them from time to time.” Remus said as he pulled a couple tins of biscuits from his bag and with a final flourish produced two bars of chocolate and promptly handed one to Sirius. “I seem to remember you had a bit of a sweet tooth, Padfoot.”

“You borrow these too, Lieutenant?” Sirius asked as he tore open the packaging and snapped off a piece. 

“No,” Remus said, his grin fading for a moment. “I would never take extra rations. It’s just around the full I can’t eat much so I save it in case someone else needs some. Besides, I know how much the chocolate rations improve morale. Figure it’s nice to always have a little extra on me in case someone needs a little cheering up.”

“Well, I can say you have effectively cheered me up.” Sirius said around a mouthful of chocolate. Carefully, storing away what Remus had shared with him as a reminder to himself to make sure that Remus always got enough to eat.

“I see,” Remus said, grateful that Sirius had changed the subject. “I guess you won’t be needing a kiss then.”

“Now I didn’t say that. In fact, I’ve been finding myself quite miserable lately. My brother hates me, my parents threw me out, my best friend is missing, and I found out someone I trusted dearly betrayed me. Is that enough ‘woe is me’ for you?” Sirius delivered it all with an air of nonchalance and a sarcastic tone, but Remus could tell from the flickering of his eyes that he really was hurting. Especially, about James being missing. But tonight, wasn’t supposed to be about the pain. Lord knows they’d both had enough of that already. 

Instead, Remus wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him in for a deep kiss, relishing the taste of chocolate on his tongue. 

“Better?” He asked when he finally pulled away.

“Better,” Sirius said. 

They sat in comfortable silence. Their hands coiled together on the blanket as they both enjoyed their chocolate and biscuits. 

“This is a pretty good first date, Moony.” Sirius said breaking the silence.

“I’m glad. It’s my first, first date. So, I was kind of flying by the seat of my pants.”

Sirius twisted his body so he could look at Remus better, making sure to keep their hands linked together. 

“You mean, you’ve never been out on a date before?”

Remus shook his head slowly, biting his lip nervously. Sirius laughed and the sound both surprised and startled him. 

“I guess, I’ve never really been on a first date before either. Unless, you count drunkenly snogging someone in a closet as a first date.”

“It doesn’t have the air of romance, that’s for sure.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Sirius paused. “Not like this.”

Remus blushed again, so happy that Sirius was enjoying himself. He had to admit he’d spent a little too long planning this night out and even longer obsessing over everything that could go wrong. 

“I was,” Remus fumbled, “I was thinking, maybe, I could read you something if you’d like.”

Sirius’ body sprung to full attention like a dog whose owner had just told him it was time for a walk. 

“I’d love that! Are you going to read to me from that book you were reading when we first met? I couldn’t see the title. Let me guess. Was it Dumas? Dickens? Wilde?”

Remus giggled at Sirius’ excited nervousness.

“I didn’t know you were a scholar of literature.”

Sirius turned his gaze down to their hands, running his fingers gently over Remus’ knuckles in a tender display of affection that lit Remus’ heart on fire. 

“Well, I may have been doing some research to impress a certain someone.” He said as he raised Remus’ hand to his lips and planted a gentle kiss upon it. 

“I hate to disappoint. Although I do love all those authors, Wilde especially, but actually I was reading ‘Winnie-the-Pooh.’”

“What?” Sirius said, turning his attention back to Remus.

“I guess more accurately ‘The House at Pooh Corner,’ but yeah.”

Sirius looked at him dumbfounded and it took Remus a moment to realize that this wasn’t a response to Remus’ taste in literature but a genuine confusion of what he was talking about. 

“Oh my god, I forgot you were raised separate from the Muggle world. Here,” Remus said and searched his bag for the worn copy of his favourite book. He let go of Sirius’ hand and scooched closer until their legs were touching and opened the book so that they could both see the pictures. 

“This is Christopher Robin,” Remus said pointing at the drawing of a young boy on one of the pages. “And this,” he said pointing again, “is Winne-the-Pooh. He’s Christopher Robin’s stuffed bear. But they go off into the Hundred Acre Woods and have these magical adventures together where all his toys come to life and everything is possible. It’s like this escape from the real world that Christopher Robin has and he’s able to use his imagination to…” Remus stopped abruptly when he realized Sirius was no longer looking at the book but was staring directly at him. “What?” Remus asked, suddenly self-conscious that he might have chocolate smeared on his face.

“Nothing,” Sirius said, “I just love watching you talk about the things you love.”

Remus was too overwhelmed to form coherent thoughts and luckily Sirius rescued him by turning his conversation back to the book. 

“The pictures are really beautiful,” Sirius said tracing his finger gently over the outline of the characters. 

“They were done by a man named E.H. Shepard. He fought in The Great War, A.A. Milne, the author did too. They met through the magazine Punch and worked together wonderfully.”

“Maybe, one day, you and I could create something together.” Sirius said pensively. “I mean I’m shit at words, but I don’t know…”

“I’d like that,” Remus said, allowing himself for one beautiful moment to think about their future together without all the what ifs.

“So why this book?” Sirius asked him.

“It might sound silly, but my favourite part is actually the end.”

Sirius looked at him as if that was the least ridiculous thing he’d ever heard and feeling seen for the first time gave Remus the strength to continue on.

“At the end, Christopher Robin has to grow up and he realizes he’s going to miss doing Nothing and going Nowhere. But the decision has been made up for him already, and so he has to leave The Hundred Acre Wood behind. Here,” Remus said as he flipped through the pages to find what he was looking for. 

Sirius slid in even closer to get a better look at the pictures as Remus began to read. 

“So, this is from the last chapter, which is called ‘Christopher Robin and Pooh Come to an Enchanted Place, and We Leave Them There.

“Suddenly Christopher Robin began to tell Pooh about some of the things: People called Kings and Queens and something called Factors, and a place called Europe, and an island in the middle of the sea where no ships came to, and how you make a Suction pump (if you want to), and when Knights were Knighted, and what comes from Brazil. And Pooh, his back against one of the sixty-something trees, his paws folded in front of him said “Oh!” and “I didn’t know,” and thought how wonderful it would be to have a Real Brain which could tell you things. And by-and-by Christopher Robin came to the end of things, and was silent, and he sat there looking out over the world, and wishing it wouldn’t stop.’”

Sirius thought about the first time he went home from Hogwarts. How his stomach had churned, and he hoped that the train would never come because he knew what was waiting for him at home. He knew his childhood would die the second that first smack was laid across his face and he wanted to hold on, no matter how foolishly to what little bit of childhood he had left. To the hope that his parents would always love him, and someone would check under the bed for monsters, and the only things that hurt were burnt fingers and scrapped knees. He never wanted that innocence and freedom to end. 

“Read me something else from that chapter,” Sirius said, beginning to understand that for those who love stories, sharing them with the people we care about it sometimes the only way we can tell them how we truly feel. He understood that by showing him this, Remus was opening up a piece of his heart to Sirius. 

“Then suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still looking at the world, with his chin on his hands, called out, “Pooh!”  
“Yes?” said Pooh.  
“When I’m – when – Pooh!”  
“Yes, Christopher Robin?”  
“I’m not going to do Nothing any more.”  
“Never again?”  
“Well, not so much. They don’t let you.”  
Pooh waited for him to go on, but he was silent again.  
“Yes, Christopher Robin?” said Pooh helpfully.  
“Pooh, when I’m – you know – when I’m not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?”  
“Just Me?”  
“Yes, Pooh.”  
“Will you be here too?”  
“Yes, Pooh, I will be, really. I promise I will be, Pooh.””

“But he won’t really? Will he?” Sirius said, overcome but the sadness he felt for these characters he had just met. 

Remus nodded with a sad smile and continued reading:  
“”That’s good,” said Pooh.  
“Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred.”  
Pooh thought for a little.  
“How old shall I be then?”  
“Ninety-nine.”  
Pooh nodded.  
“I promise,” he said.  
Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh’s paw.”

Sirius reached out and lay a gentle hand on Remus’ thigh.

“”Pooh,” said Christopher Robin earnestly, “if I – if I’m not quite–“ he stopped and tried again – “Pooh, whatever happens, you will understand, won’t you?”  
“Understand what?”  
“Oh, nothing.” He laughed and jumped to his feet. “Come on!”  
“Where?” said Pooh.  
“Anywhere,” said Christopher Robin   
So they went off together. But wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the Forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be playing.”

It was a children’s story that could only have been written by a soldier. A story about what it meant to have to leave your childhood and all those you love behind, knowing that when you come back, they might not recognize anything about you. It was a story about the hope that even if you changed, every version of you still existed in those special places. That all the best parts of you could never really die. 

Sirius understood why the lonely Remus Lupin loved this story so dearly. The boy who had to grow up too soon when he was attacked and scarred forever at the age of four. The boy who never had friends because the other kids were too scared of him. The boy who had left his home and whatever childhood he had left behind when he was sixteen. 

He leaned over and gave Remus a quick kiss.

“What was that for?” Remus asked. 

“Absolutely nothing,” Sirius replied because no matter how messy or difficult this war got, he wouldn’t let it take this from them. The carefree love they had that didn’t need rules, ranks, or explanations. 

Sirius tried to snuggle closer to Remus despite the fact that there was already no space between them. He rested his head against Remus’ shoulder and listened to his gentle breathing.

“Start from the beginning.”

He watched as Remus flipped back to the start of chapter ten. 

“No, the very beginning.”

Remus looked down at where Sirius was staring intently at the book as if he was trying to engrain every word and picture into his memory. He wondered why he ever felt nervous to share this with him. He flipped back to the beginning of the book and read him his favourite bedtime stories until the sun came up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit, of course, for _The House at Pooh Corner _goes to A.A. Milne and E.H. Shepard. These stories still mean so much to me to this day. Thanks again for reading! Comment and kudos always welcome!__


	23. Good News and Bad News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't decide whether to give you guys more James or more Remus and Sirius, so I went with both!!

“Good news or bad news?” Frank said as the Germans marched them out of the camp to where they were to work fixing up the railway tracks. 

“Bad news first,” James said, keeping his voice low so that their captors wouldn’t hear them and think they were conspiring to escape.. Mostly everyone was too tired and hungry to even dream of planning anything but that didn’t stop them from shooting anyone they thought might consider trying. 

“I hear our rations are being cut again soon.”

James swore under his breath. He couldn’t have been here more than a few months, but already his clothing hung off his gaunt frame. Despite the fact that they were driven to complete hard manual labour every day, James felt himself growing weaker and weaker. All the sharp definition and muscle he’d earned through years of Quidditch was fading away. His body devouring itself in an effort to stay alive. 

“Good news?” James asked.

“Well, if they are running low on supplies that must mean rations are tight everywhere. Maybe the war is finally coming to an end.”

Maybe. The word that kept everyone here going. Rumours and gossip ran through the camp on a daily basis. Stories of battles won and land being reclaimed. Hope that tomorrow might be their last day here. Maybe. Every day rumours said that the tides were turning but after weeks of tales of allied victories in cities that James wasn’t sure actually existed, he started to grow resentful of all the maybes. 

At the beginning, Frank and him had hidden from those stories together, they spent their nights finding work arounds for James missing arm and swapping stories about Alice and Lily. Frank and Alice had gone to school together and been in love for years. The classic story of childhood sweethearts. Frank had given Alice a ring before he shipped out with a promise to come back and marry her. James couldn’t help but admit that he was a little jealous that Frank had got to experience a developed relationship before he shipped out while James was left with dreams of a future and what ifs. 

The longer they were here, the more difficult it became to talk about home. Sometimes when we’re in a dark place, thinking about everywhere else we’d rather be only reminds us of the blackness around us. They stayed good friends but talked less about home. It hurt too much to think of everything they were missing. It hurt too much to think of all the maybes because for every good maybe there was a bad one too. Maybe the war will be over tomorrow and we’ll go home. Maybe the war will go on forever and we’ll starve to death here. 

“How’s your arm?” Frank asked. 

“Just dandy,” James lied. He hadn’t been able to keep the bandages clean and they were a filthy mess within the first few days. His stump ached and burned constantly, and the swelling hadn’t stop yet. James spent far too long lying awake at night in fear that the infection was back. But there was some improvement. He’d learned how to tie his shoes with Frank’s help and found ways to carry his share of the work with the rest of the men day in and day out. He didn’t want anyone to think he was getting off easy. It was one of the things James’ resented about the way he grew up. He loved his family, but he hated the way that his status led everyone to assume that he had everything handed to him in life. That he didn’t struggle in his own ways. He was so desperate to not be treated as a pure-blooded Potter and simply as a kid. Maybe that was what drew him and Sirius together, they were both desperate to escape the shadow of their family’s history.

Sirius was another maybe that haunted James. James didn’t know where he or Remus had ended up after that ambush. He hoped alive. But even then, that didn’t change the fact that they would have been involved in months of active conflict after that. All it takes is one moment, one slip-up or mistake and they would be gone forever. 

Peter was the only maybe James never thought of. James had enough pain and heartache to deal with without thinking of his betrayal. But sometimes he dreamt about him looking back over his shoulder and he heard laughter. Like Peter was mocking him. It was easier for James to tell himself that he didn’t care. That it didn’t hurt like hell. That Peter didn’t deserve to take up any space in James’ mind. 

As they set to work, James felt his whole body scream in protest, but he’d learned how to shut those voices off and simply focus on the next stroke, the next step, until it was the end of the day. But lately that was getting harder and harder to do. Frank slipped up beside him and James reached out to steady him, receiving a weak smile in response. 

The good news? He had Frank. The bad news? He wasn’t sure how much longer either of them could keep doing this. 

“Good news or bad news?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus’ stern face. It was a look that Sirius had come quite familiar with over the last few months. Remus had thrived as a leader, and their ragtag platoon of men had earned quite the reputation as they ploughed their way through battlefield after battlefield. What most people didn’t realize was how those decisions weighed on him after the fact. How many nights Sirius had to hold the boy steady and do his best to convince him that he was doing his best. They’d fallen into a comfortable rhythm together. Finding their quiet moments together whenever they could. It helped that Remus treated Sirius like his second in command, leaving him in charge on the nights of the full moon when he’d disappear until the next morning. 

“Both. What do you want first?” Remus asked sitting down beside him.

“Bad news.”

“They’re launching an allied invasion to take back France. We’ve been order to be a part of the mission.”

“Isn’t that good news?” Sirius wondered aloud as he traced his finger over the lines of Remus’ palm to calm him down. “If we can take back France, we should be able to turn the tide and end the war, no?”

“We’re attacking from the beach. They’ll be amphibious attacks, until we make our way far enough up the beach we’ll essentially be open targets.”

Sirius nodded slowly, processing the reality of what they’d be walking into.

“I can’t lead my men into a bloodbath.”

“It’s a direct order. Do you have any other choice?”

Remus stayed silent. He understood that this was how wars worked, this awful give and take. But he’d never be able to stop feeling guilty for the men he lost under his command. He’d never be able to stop wondering how many lives lost was enough.

“What’s the good news?” Sirius asked, hoping to pull Remus out of his dark spiral. 

“There isn’t any,” Remus admitted. “I’m just tired of having to tell you the bad news all the time. It feels better to pretend I have both.”

Sirius pulled Remus’ head against his chest and stroked his curls. 

“Good news,” Sirius said. “You have me. We still have each other.”

Remus squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on the feeling of Sirius’ fingers in his hair and force himself to stop thinking: Yes, but for how much longer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a little slow, but it's an important transition in the story. They'll be a big chapter coming on Monday! Thanks again for all the support! I love hearing from you all!


	24. D-Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up the tense when I wrote this chapter and I think I've edited it five times. If I missed any errors let me know and I'm sorry!
> 
> Just a couple quick warning before this chapter begins there is some C+ level smut in this chapter (I'm not the best at smut please don't @me too hard) and depictions of violence. Look after yourself when reading friends!
> 
> Without further ado here's Chapter 24: D-Day

Remus had been nervous and fidgeting ever since they’d heard about the Normandy invasion. His anxiety only worsened once they had a date: June 6th. It was going to be a full moon. Remus was never at his best before the full and a part of him was terrified he wasn’t going to be a good enough leader for his men, that he wouldn’t be able to be there for them in all the ways that they needed him. Another part of him worried who he would take down with him if he turned. They were attacking at dawn. Sirius had done his best to assure him that he’d be able to slip away when the time came. That the battle surely couldn’t continue that late into the night, but Remus wasn’t too sure and he couldn’t stop reliving waking up in that bunker, surrounded by all the men The Wolf had torn to shreds. The men he felt he’d killed. 

“Everything is set for tomorrow,” Remus told Sirius.

“Have you set up the night watch yet?” Sirius asked stubbing out the sad remains of a cigarette he’d been trying to smoke and standing up to meet Remus.

“Yeah, we both get the night off, figured we should try and get some rest.”

“Do you think it would be alright if we snuck off on our own for a bit?”

Remus wanted to say no. That he was tired and he needed to sleep, remind Sirius of the way the impending full moon makes him feels like he’s being pulled apart from the inside. 

But another part of him wanted to scream yes. Wanted to tell Sirius to take him absolutely anywhere. Wanted to grab his hand and run away with him and leave this war in their wake.

“Come on,” Sirius decided for him and grabbed his hand and dragged him away from all the other men until he found a rut in the valley and climbed down into it, tugging Remus behind him. They sat down and rested their backs against the cold dirt. Neither of them quite sure what to say. Yes, they’d been in battle together before, but this one felt different. There was a cold weight in both of their stomachs that they couldn’t shake. The thing about living to fight another day is that it makes you feel lucky and the longer you keep surviving the more sure you become that one day that luck is going to run out. 

“Remus, I –“ 

“Shut up, I know.” Remus said pulling himself over so that he was straddling Sirius. He didn’t want to hear Sirius try to tell him that everything was going to be okay or that tomorrow was dangerous or the thousands of other things Sirius always knew would make him feel better. He didn’t want to think and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk. 

Instead he leaned forward and parted Sirius lips with his own. He silenced any response Sirius could have had with his own tongue. Eventually, he pulled back just long enough to look into Sirius’ silver eyes, as if to ask if this was okay. 

Sirius responded by leaning forward and kissing Remus passionately biting down just gently enough on the boy’s lip to cause him to release a moan. With Remus still holding himself above him, Sirius had to work to reach up and catch the boy’s kisses and he loved it. He would do whatever it took to close the space between them, to be near Remus even if just for a moment. He pressed his hand against Remus’ chest to steady himself and listened to Remus’ heart hammering in his chest. 

Sirius’ rolled his hips against Remus’ tightening body just to hear him moan and this is all he wants. All he wants is Remus Lupin, closer, closer, closer.

He thinks of Victoria Station, the way that every time a bomb went off bodies would cram together in the dark space. In the back corners, strangers found each other. Thrust their bodies together over and over again, driving out the thoughts of tomorrow, the reality that the world could be gone when they finally went back up the stairs. All they wanted was pure pleasure and desire. All they wanted was to make the thoughts stop and feel someone so close to them that it was a reminder that in the belly of the Earth they were still alive. This, this was exactly like that. Sirius couldn’t get close enough to Remus, he wanted all of him. He wanted to keep going until every thought in his mind blacked out and all he could see were Remus’ freckles unfolding themselves in delicate constellations. He wanted to forget that tomorrow was coming and just be a part of this boy he loved. This boy who was right in front of him. They were both here. Thank god, they were still here and they were alive. 

Sirius pushed Remus back so that he fell flat on the ground and Sirius clamoured over top of him. Rutting their hips together just to listen to the delicious sounds it pulled from Remus’ lips. He loved Remus always, but he was a little obsessed with Remus like this. Remus who was so feral and unthinking. When they were together, all of Remus’ anxieties would finally melt away and Sirius loved being the one who could do that. The one who could drive out every thought in Remus’ mind until all that was left was – 

“Sirius,” Remus let out breathlessly as Sirius leaned down and kissed along his jawline, his collarbone, and down his neck. He nibbled his ear gently as he slipped his hands under Remus’ uniform and along the planes of his chest. 

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ lower back and tugged him closer. Sirius was more than happy to oblige. All that Remus wanted was Sirius closer too. He wants Sirius to help him forget everything about tomorrow. He wants to forget his past, present, and future and drown in Sirius’ mercury eyes. 

So they tugged each other closer and closer. Hands roaming each other bodies as if they held the secrets to the universe. So desperate to touch each other, to feel each other’s warmth and heartbeat under their own hands, so terrified that this could be the last time. Driving the other deeper and deeper until no thought could get between them but the other’s name. The war couldn’t touch them here. Here, they were a million miles away from the rest of the world. They were invincible. Here, their love meant nothing and everything at the same time. Here, nothing mattered but this moment, but their next movement, but their unending desire to move in just the right way to make the other cry out their name as if in a reminder that they belonged to each other. 

Sirius’ mind short circuited and all he could see was Remus’ freckles and in the night they showed Canis Major mapped out over and over and Sirius was so happy that Remus was marked as his in this small way, even if he’s the only one who can see it. 

All of Remus’ thoughts were shoved away from him and he sees himself deep in Sirius Black’s eyes. He’s sinking, drowning but god if he’s never felt more alive. 

Later, as they straightened out their uniforms and pulled themselves back together before heading back to the camp Sirius tried to speak again.

“Remus, I – “

“Don’t,” Remus said. “Tell me when we get home.”

It’s not too long until they were being loaded up on ships and sent out for the shore of France. Through the fog and the darkness Remus could just make out the shore of the beach. This was it. No going back now. 

Sirius slipped his hand into Remus’ and gave him a tight squeeze. Remus wanted to kiss him, wanted to beg him to say now what he was going to tell him last night. Ask him to say it over and over and over again until Remus could believe it was true. But instead he just squeezed his hand back. 

The bullets were on them before they’d even landed. Remus hated the way he didn’t flinch when soldiers started to collapse around them. The water was already turning red, men jumped into it in an effort to escape the onslaught of bullets only to be drowned by their own supplies. 

Sirius managed a quick glance at Remus, watching as the boy he loves slipped away and The Wolf took over. He would have thought that after months of this he would have gotten used to it. In fact, The Wolf had saved Sirius’ life more times than he cared to count. But he still couldn’t get over the way that he looked at him. Sirius remembered the time that The Wolf had sat beside him, reached for his hand and licked the scar that he’d left across his palm before he kissed him roughly, laughed and dove back onto the battlefield. Sirius knew his Remus was in there, but he could never shake the feeling of being hunted. 

The Wolf caught Sirius staring and winked at him before he stormed the beach. Sirius shook any last thoughts from his mind and followed him, because The Wolf was still his Remus and Sirius needed to keep him safe. 

The sound was deafening as shells and tanks fired around them. Explosions blew scores of men to pieces and the beach was littered with their remains. Sirius tried not to focus on the men that were lying around them moaning, begging for help, trying desperately to shove their broken pieces back together. The medics made their way from man to man but there wasn’t enough of them. Sirius knew that they’d have to decide who had the best chance of living and focus on those men. He couldn’t imagine what it does to a person to have to make that decision. 

Any semblance of order was gone and the only goal any man had left in his mind was to make it to the top of the beach alive. Every body felled, every time a shell went off and didn’t take you with it, was one step closer to that goal. Just keep moving. 

Someone shoved Sirius to the side and he found himself tumbling into the sand. He looked up to see The Wolf beside him, having pushed him out of the line of fire. 

“Thank you,” Sirius managed. 

“Don’t worry about it,” The Wolf said tracing one finger along Sirius’ jawline. “You’ll repay me for it one day.” His fingers danced carefully over Sirius’ lip before he jumped back up to his feet. Sirius moved to follow him but before he could stand another explosion sounded off and thrust him to the ground. 

When Sirius opened his eyes everything started spinning and he could hear what was happening, but it was like he was trapped in an echo and the world was a thousand miles away. He looked around desperately for The Wolf. He had to be here. He was just here. 

“S…Sirius?” he heard a voice call out to him and he tried to stumble toward it. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, praying that when he opened them the world would be back in focus. He blinked a few times, and everything was still fuzzy, but it had stopped moving enough that he could make out where he was. And he could make out Remus lying in the sand covered in blood. 

Sirius scrambled towards him, screaming out the word medic before he was even there. He couldn’t hear himself. Had he said that aloud? Had someone heard him? Please, someone had to have heard him. 

When he got to his side, he watched as The Wolf slid away and Remus slowly came back into his eyes. 

“Sirius?” He said again, lifting his hands up to his face as if he couldn’t understand whose blood was on them. His voice trembled with fear. 

“Here,” Sirius said, as he grabbed Remus’ hands and forced them back onto his side where he thought the blood was coming from, but there was so much blood he wasn’t sure where any of it was coming from. “I’m here. You gotta keep pressure on the wound for me. Okay, Rems?”

“Sirius?” Remus said again and Sirius was terrified that he was seeing him without really knowing that he was there. He called out again for a medic, trying to staunch the never-ending bleeding. 

“You’re going to be alright, Remus. Everything is going to be okay.” He said, trying not to cry as he put his hands on top of Remus’ trying to apply more pressure to the wound but blood was still leaking through.

“Sirius.”

“I’m here Remus, I’m here.”

“Look at me.”

Sirius pulled his eyes away from Remus’ wound long enough to look at his face. Those gentle moss green eyes he fell in love with. His Canis Major freckles. His soft coral scars. 

Remus tugged one of his hands away from the wound and ran it along Sirius’ jaw and it was soft and gentle and didn’t burn the way it did when The Wolf touched him. 

“I love you,” Remus said. 

And Sirius’ tongue tangled around a million replies: I love you too, I know, stop this isn’t goodbye, don’t say that here, you promised me once we got home. But before he had the chance to say anything a medic arrived and shoved Sirius aside.

“What happened?”

“Shell explosion. I tried to keep pressure on the wound the best I could.”

The medic nodded quickly and set to doing his best to tend to Remus’ wounds. He glanced sideways when he realized that Sirius was still sitting there. 

“What are you doing?”

“Right, I’m sorry.” Sirius mumbled, and then another soldier was tugging him to his feet by his pack straps and dragging him forward. Sirius didn’t have time to say anything else as he was thrown back into the fray. 

All he could do was keep moving forward. Keep fighting for life and pray that somewhere further down the beach Remus was doing the same.


	25. Full Moon

Sirius wasn’t quite sure how he made it through the rest of the battle. At some point it all became a blur. All he knew was that the second it was over he had to find his way to Remus. He volunteered to help with the dead and wounded and took a little too long with each trip to the hospital. It was almost sunset when he finally found him.

“Remus, oh my god, Remus,” Sirius said as he got down on his knees at Remus’ bedside. Remus’ shirt was missing and his whole stomach was wrapped in criss-crossing bandages. 

Remus eyes fluttered gently, and he gave Sirius a weak smile. He went to open his mouth but all that came out was a croak.

“Here,” Sirius said as he pulled his canteen from his bag and used his hand to support Remus’ head as he tipped some of the water into his mouth.

“Thanks,” Remus said as he rested his head back and closed his eyes again. “What day is it?”

“What?” Sirius asked. “June 6th, but – oh.”

“The sun is still setting. There’s still time, Sirius, I need you to smuggle me out of here.”

“Remus, no. You’re too hurt. You’ll die out there.”

Remus eyes flashed open sharply, and he stared at Sirius.

“More people will die if I stay here.”

“But-“

“No buts. Please Sirius, I can’t take hurting anyone else.”

His voice was so soft and quiet and the fact that Sirius knew he was telling the truth only caused his heart to break more. 

He wanted to tell Remus no. He wanted to tell him he had already spent too long thinking he had lost him. He wouldn’t drag him out of here to have to spend his night thinking the same thing. He wanted to tell him they were at a beach so where would they even go. But he knew these were all useless questions. That they weren’t worth wasting Remus’ energy over. He needed to rest so he could make it through the night. He had to make it through the night. 

“Okay,” Sirius said finally. “I’ll be back soon.”

Sirius wasn’t surprised to discover that it was relatively easy to smuggle someone out of a military hospital. Especially, when they were overwhelmed with all the men who were bleeding on the beaches. An empty bed would be taken as a miracle, instead of a cause for alarm.

Sirius scooped Remus up into his arms and slipped out into the coming night. He groaned softly when he lifted him and Sirius wasn’t sure if that was a result of shrapnel wounds in his side or the impending transformation. Remus felt so small held in his arms like this and Sirius found himself overwhelmed by the desire to take him away from this place. Sit by his bedside every day until he got better. 

Remus twitched suddenly in his arms and Sirius had to readjust his grip quickly so to not drop him.

“Just a little further,” Sirius told him. His plan was to take Remus into an abandoned building a little closer into the city. He knew it was dangerous but there weren’t any better options being this close to the channel. 

“Hurry,” Remus mumbled. “There isn’t much time.”

Sirius nodded and picked up his pace.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered.

“I’m right here Rems.” 

“Promise me,” he jolted again suddenly, and Sirius cast a nervous look at the sky. “Promise me, you’ll leave me, and you won’t come back until the morning.”

“Remus, I can’t. You’re too injured. You could tear yourself apart. You could...”

“I know. But I can’t risk hurting you. And...” he inhaled sharply. “And I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s bad enough you have to deal with The Wolf on days that aren’t the full moon. I don’t want you to see me when I turn.”

Before Sirius could even think of replying Remus yelped.

“Sirius.” Remus managed through gritted teeth.

“Almost there, Rems.”

They were coming up to the house now and Sirius toed the door open and made his way upstairs to an abandoned bedroom. He silently hoped the mattress wasn’t riddled with disease or bugs that could infect Remus’ open wounds. He laid Remus down on the bed as Remus’ whole body contorted.

“GET OUT!” Remus yelled as he was overcome by another convulsion. 

Sirius backed out of the room slowly, closing the door behind him. He made his way downstairs and out the back before sitting down on the steps and trembling with fear and worry for the man he’d loved that he’d just left lying, aching, and bleeding upstairs. 

Remus screamed and Sirius pressed his hands against his ears. As if he could block out the sound that would change the reality of what was happening. Remus continued screaming and Sirius listened as his voice changed from the pained cries of a human to a deeper more terrifying howl of agony. 

Sirius wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting out there when the screams stopped. He had been starting to drift off but suddenly everything inside of him was alert again. He waited for a moment, listening for the slightest sound of movement from inside the house. Nothing. He stood up and made his way to the door. 

“Remus?” Sirius called out. He wasn’t even sure if the werewolf would respond to that, but he needed to know that he was okay. He needed to know he was just sleeping or resting and that was why he was silent. That it wasn’t that he was silent because he was…

Sirius made his decision and he opened the door and stepped inside and shut the door close behind him. The house was eerily quiet. Sirius called out quietly for Remus again and was about to start up the stairs again when he heard snarling behind him.

Sirius turned around slowly to find him face to face with a large, snarling werewolf. It had a rough brown coat and must have been closer to the size of a grizzly bear than of any wolf Sirius had ever seen. It was growling at him, exposing jagged yellow teeth and staring at him with eyes that Sirius recognized. Eyes that he’d seen every time he’d stared down The Wolf. 

He bolted running up the stairs as The Wolf came after him. He realized only too late how silly of an idea that was as it had left him trapped with nowhere to go. He turned to the left and grabbed the first door he could find pulling it shut just before the werewolf could get in. 

It was a linen closet. Of course, that would be Sirius luck. No window. No way out and the werewolf was straining and clawing at the door to be let in. It wouldn’t be long before he was successful. Sirius felt awful. He should have listened to Remus. He should have stayed outside. He remembered something that Remus had told him after The Wolf had bitten him. That he marked his prey. He liked it better when they thought they were safe. Was that what The Wolf had done here? Had it calmed down purposefully to lure Sirius in? It did say he would pay him back for that one day. Maybe this was finally the day. He could handle being mauled. He was pretty sure that it couldn’t be much worse than torture. But he was most worried about what would happen when Remus turned back and found Sirius’ bloodied and beaten body lying there on the ground. He knew he’d feel so guilty. He knew that he’d blame himself when this was all Sirius’ fault. He didn’t have a gun or his wand. Why was he so stupid to think he could face a werewolf, even an injured one, all alone?

Sirius was pulled out of his self-pitying attitude by a sudden silence at the other end of the door. Sirius knew this was likely a trap. That The Wolf was just waiting for him to foolishly step out. He didn’t really have any other option except to go along with it and hope he could outrun The Wolf for long enough to make it back outside or into a room that actually had a window. 

He steeled himself. Counted to three and threw the door open and sprinted down the stairs. It wasn’t until he was halfway to the bottom that he realized that no one was following him. He stopped foolishly and heard whimpering coming from upstairs. He heard James voice in his head telling him not to be an idiot. But then again how many stupid things had James done because of his love for Lily?

He crept up the stairs slowly. One foot in front of the other. Every muscle in his body was tense and ready to take off in the other direction if necessary. But no attack came. He found The Wolf curled up on the floor of the room where he’d left Remus. He could see tears in the fur where it had clawed itself early in the night and it was bleeding from the side. The same spot where Remus’ wound was. Sirius tried not to think about what it would mean for Remus after the sun came up and he transformed back. 

“Rems?” Sirius said, holding his hands up in front of him to show he wasn’t here to fight. 

The Wolf raised his head half-heartedly and let Sirius come and sit down on the floor beside him. When he lunged for his face, Sirius squeezed his eyes tight and braced for the inevitable. But was instead surprised to feel scratchy fur rubbing against his mouth. He opened his eyes to see The Wolf rubbing his muzzle against his face. 

Sirius eyes went wide with shock, but they settled when he realized that The Wolf wasn’t planning to eat him, at least not right now. He raised his hand and began to scratch The Wolf behind the ear. He didn’t know much about werewolves, but he figured when they weren’t attacking people they were basically just big dogs. The Wolf nibbled at Sirius’ ear and then sniffed his neck, his chest, his collarbones, lower and lower, until – 

“Woah,” Sirius said, pushing The Wolf’s muzzle out of his lap. 

There was a glint in The Wolf’s eyes and Sirius could almost swear he was smirking at him. Then Sirius remembered again what Remus had told him. That he was marked. Maybe The Wolf hadn’t marked him as prey. Maybe The Wolf had marked him as his mate. 

The truth was Sirius had been marked as his long before that bite had even happened. He’d give Remus all of him if he could. He loved him and that thought terrified him. Because he knew what it meant to love and to lose. He knew how difficult it was to build yourself back up after you’ve been broken.

Sirius sat there stroking The Wolf’s fur gently, trying hard to avoid all the places he was injured and hurting. He spent most of the night thinking. Thinking about how Remus had been so scared to share this part of himself. Thinking of the way he’d be banned from going to Hogwarts. Thinking about the life they might have had if they had met there. Thinking about all the hatred Remus had endured from the whole Wizarding world growing up. He was tired of the hatred. 

Sirius had spent his whole life standing up to pure-bloods and people who used the word traditional as a shield against their belief that they were a superior being and an excuse for their intolerance to difference. He’d spent so many years trying to scream louder than the voices of hate. The voices of mudblood, half-breed, and whatever other halfbrained insult they could come up with it. And now here he was. Still fighting for it, now killing for it. He was tired. His throat hurt from all the yelling and his hands once steady now trembled. He was tired of having to convince the world that they should have to care about other people. He was tired of having to prove that people like Lily, like Remus, like so many others deserved the best things in the world, deserved to live free from fear, free from pain and hurt. But the truth was, he didn’t have a choice. He had to keep fighting. He had to keep moving forward. Because sitting on the sidelines and wishing that the world is a better place doesn’t make it one. He wanted it to be better. He needed it to be better. So he would keep fighting despite everything inside of him that was ready to quit. 

The sun came up and The Wolf slowly morphed back into Remus. What had seemed like simple flesh wounds on The Wolf were now oozing gashes on Remus’ skin.

“Rems?” Sirius said gently, brushing his hands through the boy’s hair. 

His heart stopped. Remus was too cold. Too still. 

“Rems?” Sirius said, sitting up quickly, his voice trembling. 

No reply.

He quickly lifted up Remus’ hand and felt for a pulse. 

It was there. Just barely. 

Sirius stood and scooped Remus’ body into his arms, trying to ignore the sticky feeling of Remus’ blood on his skin and then he ran. Down the stairs, out the back door and back to the military hospital as fast as he could. He ran faster hoping that if he ran fast enough he could outrun all the hate, all the pain, all the fear. He ran with the hope that when he finally made it everything would be better. That someone would tell him that this war was over and all the bad people were gone and that he could finally rest now. But this isn’t a fairy tale. And some dragons are more difficult to slay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, I had different plans for what I wanted to do with it but this has been a tough week so I've been having a really hard time focusing on writing. Thanks for reading and for all your feedback! Hearing from you is what keeps me going forward!


	26. Alone

Remus was unconscious for two weeks, which meant that Sirius had gotten maybe five hours of sleep in that time. It was like Remus had taken all of his sleep with him. Sirius sat up most nights twitching and wondering what would happen if he never woke up. Haunted by the fear of being alone. Their platoon was supposed to move on and Sirius had managed to delay long enough by finding work for them here. He knew he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. As much as he didn’t want to be on his own, the thought of Remus waking up with no one at his bedside was so much worse. 

It was the middle of the night when Remus finally came to. Sirius usually spent his nights sitting at his bedside, holding his hand, and telling him about his day. All of the nurses were used to this by now and didn’t bug him so long as he kept quiet and let the other patients sleep. But tonight, he simply held Remus hand and rested his head on the edge of the bed while he counted Remus’ heartbeats. He was at 4961 when Remus finally spoke. 

“Do you not believe in sleep?”

Sirius simply blinked in shock. He must had fallen asleep. He had to have been dreaming. 

“Remus?”

“I’m here, Sirius.” Remus said, squeezing his hand tightly and it took everything in Sirius to not give Remus the biggest hug. 

“How long?” Remus asked.

“Two weeks.” Sirius said. 

“How long since you’ve slept?”

“I got two hours of sleep.”

Remus simply looked at Sirius with a face that told him his lies wouldn’t work on him.

“Two hours of sleep three days ago.” Sirius relented. 

Remus closed his eyes and nodded gently. Sirius reached for the water canteen he had with him and the bar of chocolate he’d brought just in case. 

“Here,” Sirius said, helping Remus prop himself up. “You need to eat and drink.”

“Not sure the nurses would be too fond of me eating chocolate,” Remus teased.

“I didn’t know you were one for following rules,” Sirius shot back and for a moment it was like nothing had changed. 

Remus held a shaking hand up to Sirius’ face and Sirius leaned into his touch. 

“You got to take better care of yourself Pads,” Remus said as he traced his thumb along the bags under Sirius’ eyes. 

“I could tell you the same thing,” Sirius said, instantly regretting it when Remus dropped his hand from Sirius’ face. 

“How was the full?”

“Good,” Sirius said, his eyes quickly darting to the floor in a way that told Remus he was lying. 

“And?”

“I may or may not have gone into the house.” 

Remus took a sharp intake of breath, “Sirius you promised me.”

“I know. But you were screaming and then everything got so quiet and I was scared.”

“The Wolf? He – I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Remus asked, unable to looked at Sirius as he asked the question. He hated that Sirius had had to see him like that. Feral, out of control, and monstrous. 

“No, I thought he was going to but then,” Sirius looked away blushing furiously, “he started getting really affectionate. I think he wanted to mate with me.”

Remus choked on the water he was drinking, and Sirius took the canteen away and rubbed gentle circles on his back until he could catch his breath again.

“He what?”

Sirius took Remus’ hand and focused on tracing over his scars as he started to speak.

“He was nibbling on my ear and nuzzling very close to me. It… it seemed like some of ritual.”

Remus nodded, wondering what Sirius wasn’t tell him and feeling incredibly embarrassed. 

“But I was thinking,” Sirius said, “about what you mentioned about marking me. Maybe, he wasn’t marking me to hunt me maybe he was marking me for something else.”

Remus kept nodding, mildly aware that it probably made him look like a bobblehead. He longed to be back home with his books so he could do some more research on this. Remus knew The Wolf was a part of him so would it make sense that it would feel what Remus felt for Sirius?

“Rems I need to tell you something,” Sirius said and Remus only half heard him because his head was still lost in thought. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“Your what?” Remus said startled back to the present. 

“The platoon, they’re moving on and I have to go with them. I tried to delay as long as I could but-“

But there was no way Remus would be healed, let alone cleared for active combat anytime soon. Which meant him and Sirius were going separate ways. Which meant that Remus wasn’t sure when or if he’d ever see him again.

“Where?” Remus asked.

“I think further into France. The hope is if we can take back France, we’ll win the war, drive them to surrender.”

Remus knew full well that it could take months or even years for them to do so. Sirius and him had just found each other, they’d been through so much together and now their paths had been forced to split. It felt like a cruel twist of fate.

“Remus,” Sirius said and this time Remus didn’t stop him. He didn’t tell him to wait until they got back home because he was terrified they might not. He needed to hear Sirius say it. He needed to know. “I love you.”

“I love you too Sirius.”

“You know James’ address?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded, scared if he spoke he’d break down in tears that he’d be unable to stop.

“The second this whole mess is over you come find me there, okay?”

“Okay,” Remus said and he said holding his free hand back up to Sirius’ face. 

Sirius closed his eyes tight trying to engrain the feeling of Remus skin against his in his mind. A single tear fell from his eye and Remus gently wiped it away. 

“Promise me you’ll look after yourself Pads. I-“ and his voice choked as he fought against his own tears. “I need you to come back to me.”

Sirius nodded his head and Remus wanted to beg him to say it aloud but knew it wouldn’t help. Instead, he simply moved over so that there was enough room for Sirius beside him in the cot. Sirius lied down next to him and for once neither of them cared who saw. They spent the rest of the night awake, simply holding onto one another trying to commit as much to memory as they could. The way the other smelled. The feeling of their chest as it rose and fell with their breath. The way their eyes looked in the morning light. 

When the time came to leave Sirius got up slowly and after a quick look around leaned down and gave Remus a gentle kiss on the forehead. They did not say goodbye. Neither one of them could bear admitting aloud that this might be the last time they saw one another. As Sirius walked away Remus watched him go, hoping desperately that he’d turn around so he could look into his silver eyes one more time. Sirius didn’t turn around, because he knew if he took one more look at Remus, he’d never be able to leave. So he walked out of the tent without looking back, leaving his heart behind. 

Lily had gone to work but no one would speak to her or even look her in the eyes. It was almost as if they felt that her pain and her grief was contagious. A disease they didn’t want to catch. Every once in a while, a scone or warm cup of tea would appear on her desk and Lily would look around to catch one of the girls smiling weakly at her and she wasn’t sure if this gentle kindness made the ache in her chest better or worse. 

She barely slept, haunted by nightmares of the thousands of things that could of happened to James. She tortured herself by reading and rereading the telegram and James’ last letter over and over again. Sometimes, she wished she’d didn’t know that he was missing at all. She thought it would have been easier to not know that he was lost at but then she’d immediately feel guilty and berate herself to never think that way again. 

The worst part of it all was the loneliness. She had been staying in James house. He had asked her to take care of it when they were gone and refused to accept any form of rent. In the days before they had left that home had always been full of so much laughter and happiness. Now it seemed old and tired. Every creak of the floorboard or of the old pipes made her feel the house was crying out for its former inhabitants. Some days Lily would simply press her palms against the walls as if to say I miss them too. There was so much emptiness. And it wasn’t just inside the house, it was inside her too. A great bottomless pit of fear, and regret, and worry that Lily was convinced would one day swallow her whole. 

A few weeks ago, she’d borrowed a car and taken it out to the countryside. She’d sat on the hood and looked out at the stars like Sirius had told her to. It didn’t make her feel any closer to all of them. She found herself wishing they were there at her side and sitting underneath such a big open sky only made her feel smaller, more aware of the vastness of the universe, it felt like a cruel reminder that she was shockingly, and completely alone. 

The fever had spread like wildfire. James managed to have avoided the worst of it but others weren’t so lucky. Their captors were quite unhappy with the restrictions this put on their labour force and refused to let any of those who were healthy enough stay back at the bunks to take care of the others, which meant most of them were running on only a few hours of sleep because they had been staying up to take care of those who were ill. 

Frank was one of the ones that the fever had hit the worst. He was constantly burning up no matter how much cold-water James put on him and his mind was starting to slip. He’d rave on about candy bars or the colour of the son or the feel of ducks feathers for hours on end and the longer it went on the less sure James was that Frank was going to come back to him. 

It had been nice to have someone help him through everything, to have someone at his side every morning and through the day as they toiled side by side, but now James found himself alone. Without Frank at his side he spent more and more of his time thinking about Sirius, Remus, and Lily and wondering where they had gone.

One night when he was lying down and trying to block out Frank’s babbling, he remembered a poem Lily loved. Something about two paths diverging into a wood. He couldn’t remember anything else about it, but he spent a lot of time thinking about that. The way they’d all left Hogwarts hand in hand, and then the war had come and they’d left Lily at the edge of the woods. Further in they’d found Remus but then deeper in the woods the path had branched in a million different directions and they all found themselves pulled a different way. He thought about it so much that it led to a reoccurring nightmare. He’d dream that the five of them were in the woods together but when he’d turn around, they’d all be gone and he could hear them calling to him from the darkness, begging for his help but no matter how far he ran he could find them. He’d wake with a jolt every time and try to tell himself it was just a nightmare but it was starting to feel more and more like reality. James was all alone and his friends were out there. They could be hurt, they could be needing him, and there was nothing he could do to help them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda sad but I felt this chapter was needed to wrap up the part of the story. Just a heads up there will be a bit of a time jump on Friday!


	27. One Year Later

When VE Day finally came, people poured themselves into the streets. There was laughter and dancing and tears, so many tears, but mostly everyone was just so happy that the war was finally over. It was palpable, this energy that seemed to float in the air no matter where you went, which meant that there was no way Lily could escape it. 

She spent most of VE day in her room at the Potters with the curtains drawn shut to try and keep out all the light and the noise. She tried to put on their favourite records but it hurt too much, she’d rather sit with the never-ending cheering than the memory of a drunken James dancing with her to those records in the living room. 

The problem was not that the war was over. Lord knows, Lily was glad that the war was over. The problem was that the war wouldn’t be over for her until she had her men back here, home, where they were supposed to be. Until she knew for sure that James was okay. Until that day came, she was fine to hole herself up in this room and just let herself be miserable and lonely. She’d taken to wearing James shirts over her own because even though he had been gone for two years they still smelled exactly like him. She’d brew a pot of what she’d been told were Remus’ favourite teas and if she could stomach it, she would sit and eat all of Sirius’ favourite sweets. It made her feel like they were all there with her somehow. Like they’d gone out for a day on a town and left her with this reminder that they’d be home soon, but she didn’t know when soon was or if it would ever come. 

The POW ships started coming back shortly after that and after weeks of lying inside that was the only thing that could get her to leave the house. Now, she’d get out of bed after a night of fitful sleep, scurry down the stairs and join the others waiting by the docks. It was silly, she knew that even if she did see James he’d have to be checked out by a medical professional and likely answer all sorts of questions before they would even release him, but she just had to keep going. 

It was two weeks before she saw anything, but suddenly, there amongst the crowd she caught sight of a head of unruly dark hair. Her heart leapt in her chest. She told herself she couldn’t be sure it was him. She reminded herself of every stranger with dark hair she’d seen in the past two years on the street that she was convinced was James. But her heart knew something her eyes couldn’t confirm. After months of death, Lily finally felt alive again. She focused all her energy on the memory of the dark head coming off the ship and moving through the crowd because it had to be James and he had to be coming home. She spent her nights cleaning the house to try and make it feel as much like the home he’d left as possible. She made trips to all his favourite stores, not caring about how much money she’d spent, and her days were spent staring at the doors of a building waiting for James to walk out of them and into her arms. Until, one day he did. 

Lily had to convince herself she wasn’t dreaming when the door opened, and James walked out. But that thought only lasted a split second before she was running towards him and then he saw her and his face split open into the biggest smile and then she couldn’t get there fast enough. She couldn’t be in his arms quick enough. Even after years of having an ocean between them it was these final few steps that made James feel the furthest away. 

But then he was there, and he was holding her tightly. And she was squeezing him with the fear that if she let go he’d be gone again. She ran her hands over his back and felt the cut of bone against skin. God, he was so skinny, what had happened to him? She felt his arm coiled around the small of her back and wondered why he wasn’t holding her with both. Why he didn’t want to hold her as tightly as he could and for a brief moment, she was scared that he no longer felt the same way. 

“Here,” James said letting her go just long enough to reach into the pocket of his jacket for something. “I think this belongs to you.”

And it was the handkerchief she had given him. She wouldn’t have blamed him if it got lost of destroyed, but this small gesture meant everything to her. It might that no matter how bad it got he was still holding onto her. The same way she’d spent all these years holding onto the memory of him. 

Now, she could finally fill her promise and she leaned forward and pressed her mouth against James and she could have sworn that the world stopped. It was better and more perfect than anything that she could have imagined in their time apart. Because it was real. Because he was hers and he was finally here. She wrapped her arms tighter around him as he pulled her deeper into the kiss. His hand moving from her back up to run through her ginger hair, so glad to finally have something so soft and warm to hold. Lily found herself frustrated again that he couldn’t keep both arms on her. That his one arm just kept wandering her body as if it couldn’t decide where to land and she wanted to ask him to just hold her closer, tighter, to prove that he wasn’t going anywhere.

But as he pulled out of the kiss, that’s when Lily realized. His left sleeve was tied in a knot and hung loosely off his frame. She’d been so focused on getting to him that she hadn’t noticed. 

“Your arm…” she said softly and felt guilty as she watched James flinch. It wasn’t fair to make him remember the war so quickly after he had gotten home. 

“Yeah, I guess my Quidditch career is over.” And then he laughed, and it startled Lily because it had changed so much from the laugh she used to know. It was harsher and rough at edges. But before she even had a chance to comment on his laughter, he devolved into tears and suddenly, he was holding her and sobbing into her shoulder with the weight of all the pain and longing he’d kept trapped inside for so long. Because he didn’t think that he was going to make it, but he was here now. He was finally here. And Lily realized then that none of it mattered, because as long as they were together, they could get through anything. 

James had been home a month when the phone rang. They didn’t get many calls, some from the odd acquaintance at school who wanted to know how they were doing but besides that the line had been quiet. In fact, everything had been quiet. A friend of James from the camps, Frank, came by with his fiancée Alice and told Lily over and over again how James had saved his life when he was ill, how he owed James everything, but James had said nothing. In fact, he rarely said anything. There was two years of his life she knew nothing about, and he didn’t want to talk about them. Anytime she thought she was getting close to having him open up, he’d silence her with a kiss. She wasn’t complaining about that, but she really just wanted him to let her in. She had woken up one morning to realize that any photos that had Peter in them were gone. She had been too scared to even say Peter’s name in front of James to ask about it. There was an anger in him that scared her. One she wasn’t sure she knew how to tame. Any time his amputation got in the way of him doing something he’d turn into a thunderstorm, slamming doors and glasses and stomping around the house. When he finally came out of it, he’d bring her fresh flowers and press kisses to her neck as he murmured apologies. He didn’t need to apologize, she just wanted to understand. 

The only thing he would talk about was Remus and Sirius and when they were coming home. It was always a when. Never an if. He’d been upset when Lily had told him the two had gotten separated but then he’d shook it off and told her that if they could survive the distance than he knew Remus and Sirius would too. Lily didn’t tell him that it wasn’t the distance she was worried about them surviving. 

But regardless, every time the phone rang or there was a knock at the door James head would perk up like a dog waiting for a treat. She was starting to think he was the one they should be calling Padfoot. Today, was no exception and as she picked the phone up off the hook, she felt his eyes watching her intently, looking for any change in expression. She tried to keep her face as stoic as possible as she carried out her conversation with a familiar voice on the other end of the line. When she finally hung up, James raised an eyebrow at her expectantly.

“Well?” He asked.

“Want to go pick up your brother?” She asked, barely able to contain the smile that was spreading across her face.

He was on his feet in an instant and had her in his arm the next. As he spun her around the kitchen and she listened to their laughter bounce of the walls of the house that had been too dark for so long, she felt all her worries disappear. After all, Sirius was finally coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so many ideas for how I wanted this to happen it took me forever to pick one. I hope this lives up to any expectations you may have had! More reunions coming soon :)


	28. Brother

The train station was busy and bustling and while the energy in the air was different, Lily couldn’t stop thinking of the day she’d said goodbye to them years ago. She remembered the way her heart had pounded as she raced her way through the station. The dirty looks she was given but couldn’t care less about as she shoved her way through the crowd, desperate to get to James before the train left. And now she was here, with James holding her hand by her side and they were looking together through the crowd for Sirius. 

There were yells of joy and tears of excitement everywhere as families reconnected after years apart. Mothers got to see their sons again. Fathers got to meet their children. After years of sorrow, terror, and pain all of this happiness at once was not only overwhelming but also strangely stifling. James felt her anxiety and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. She was standing to his right, this was her place now, it always would be. She had gotten used to it, knowing when they stepped out of the house where to stand so that James could hold her hand. At first, there had been times when she’d fallen to his left side without even thinking. He never said anything just swiftly stepped around her as she tried to avoid the pain in her chest for being so insensitive. 

She still wasn’t really sure what had happened. From the letters and the little bit that James had told her she knew it was a gunshot wound. She knew Peter and Sirius were there when it had happened and that Peter had left him there. Something tied up in him being a double agent for the Germans. But there was so much blank space, so many empty memories and questions that still needed answering. She hoped with Sirius around they be able to tease it out of him, that she’d finally feel like she could help James. 

“Prongs!” The voice came out strong and steady through the crowd and Lily turned to see a hand waving madly at them through the crowd. They both started to move towards each other. Lily following James blindly as he shouldered his way through the crowd, their hands clasped together. The only thing stopping her from losing him again. But then the crowd broke and Sirius was there, and he looked so much older than the boy she’d left behind. She watched as his face broke into a look of surprise at seeing James by her side, followed almost immediately by a grin so big that his eyes welled up with tears. As Lily took in his short hair and proper posture and searched for the pieces of Sirius she remembered, James dropped her hand to wrap Sirius in a bear hug. She heard Sirius telling James he was so sorry and that he was so glad that he was okay, and James telling him that everything was going to be okay, and then there was something about his arm, but Lily couldn’t focus. It felt silly, but it was all hitting her right now that nothing was ever going to be the same as before. Everything was different now. The kind of different you don’t come back from. 

“Lils, get in here!” Sirius called holding out an arm for her to join their hug and she let him pull her in close to them and she buried her guilt as she told herself over and over again. It’s still Sirius. He’s still here. 

“Remus?” Sirius asked, pulling out of the hug. 

James and Lily shook their head slowly in response. Sirius nodded and Lily saw a deep sadness in his eyes, but then as if he’d flipped a switch, he had his arms around the two of them and was joking and laughing like nothing had changed.

But it has, Lily thought. My god, it has. 

James filled in him on the way home on what had happened to him after the ambush. But it was clipped and said as if James was reading off a script. He sounded like a politician talking to a reporter, scared of what would happen if he strayed from the facts. Lily watched as Sirius took in everything that James was saying, but with a deepening furrow in his brow. There was something going on behind Sirius’ eyes that Lily had never seen before. 

Dinner was awkward. It shouldn’t have been. Lily was doing her best to make Sirius’ favourite foods, which was all of them and he was dancing around the kitchen, stealing food off the cutting board, and planting affectionate kisses on Lily’s cheek, all while showering her in compliments. But there’s a tension in the air, something that Lily sensed was unspoken between James and Sirius that Lily couldn’t touch. Instead, she just tried to pretend not to see it and excused herself quietly to give them some time. 

Of course, by that she means once she was sure they weren’t paying attention she tiptoed back down the stairs and sat quietly at the bottom so she could eavesdrop on their conversation. She heard the squeak of a kitchen chair and caught a glimpse of Sirius moving closer to James.

“I’m so sorry James. I shouldn’t have left you there.”

“You did what you had to do,” James said dryly. “You got Remus out okay?”

Sirius nodded slowly. “Yeah, there’s a lot to fill you in on there. Lils told you we got separated?”

“Yeah, what happened?”

“He got injured pretty bad at D-Day.”

“D-Day?”

“The beach invasions on Normandy.”

“Right.”

Silence fell between them and Lily could feel herself holding her breath as the tension grew.

“You know, James,” Sirius said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”

Another squeak as James pushed his chair back and started to yell. Good, she thought, at least he’s finally feeling something.

“Not my fault how can you say that?! I was supposed to be there with you! I was supposed to fight! Instead I spent a year and half helping the Germans fix their goddamn roads and everyone welcomed me home like a goddamn hero!”

Lily could see Sirius watching James fall apart and wondered if he did this purpose. If he knew he needed James to break.

“James, you lost as much of the rest of us out there. Maybe, even more.”

“Stop that,” James said pointing a finger accusingly at Sirius. “Not you too Pads, I can’t handle everyone treating me like a goddamn cripple just cause I lost my arm. I knew the consequences when I enlisted with you. I knew that this could happen!”

“But Peter-”

“DON’T!” James howled. “Don’t you say his goddamn name in my goddamn house!”

“He was our friend James.” Sirius said, completely level-headed and Lily thought again of the crazed teenage boy she once knew. She wondered if they picked up the wrong Sirius at the station. “We trusted him. I trusted him to look after you and he let us down.”

“You don’t understand anything that I’m going through. You weren’t there. You weren’t there when he left me there to die. When, he looked back over his shoulder and make a choice to leave me there.”

“I know I wasn’t there. But that doesn’t mean you can just erase what happened. Just pretend like he never existed. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve taken every trace of him out of this house. You think getting rid of a couple pictures is going to stop you from having to face what he did?”

Then James fist was flying towards Sirius’ face and there was a loud clatter as Sirius knocked his chair back and stood to catch it. Holding it steady, like it was nothing more than a baseball. Lily gasped before she could think better of it and noticed Sirius eyes flashing quickly to her before turning back to James. 

Sirius watched as James eyes filled with anger, fear, and realization.

“Shit, Pads I’m-“ and then James felt the tears coming and he raised his hand to wipe them away. He wished he could stop being so emotional. Stop being so weak. 

“It’s okay Prongs, I can take it. Just let it all out.”

And Lily watched as Sirius stood completely still and let James hit him over and over again, screaming and pounding all his anger out into Sirius' chest before collapsing in his arms sobbing and apologizing to Sirius over and over again. Sirius just held him there. He didn’t lie and tell him that everything was going to be okay or that tomorrow would be better. He just let James hurt the way he needed to. 

Eventually, James was so exhausted that Sirius helped him quietly into bed. Lily moved herself into the living room and sat with a book in her lap without seeing any of the words on the page. She listened to mumbled words coming from their bedroom but could no longer make out what they were saying. It was a long time before Sirius appeared again and when he did, he was holding a crappy bottle of wine in his hand.

“Hear this one tastes like dragon’s piss,” he said twisting the top off the bottle and taking a long swig before passing it over to Lily. Her face screwed up as the acrid taste of the wine hit her throat and Sirius let out a laugh. Lily felt herself settle at the sound of something familiar. 

“Merlin, that should be illegal,” she said, wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve. 

Sirius laughed again and let his head rest on the back of the sofa as he combed his hands through his hair. He had somehow managed to avoid getting it cut in the last year and it had grown out so that it curled around the bottom of his ears. Lily missed the days when his hair was so long that he’d sit on the floor in front of the couch and let her braid it. 

“It’s good to be home,” Sirius said. 

Lily nodded in response, taking another swig of wine to avoid speaking. 

“He’s going to be okay, you know that right? He just needs some time.”

Lily stared at him again, “When did you become so grown up?”

“Somewhere between killing my first man and trying to make it back here in one piece.”

Lily kept staring at him, stunned at the realities of war being spoken of so openly like the options for afternoon tea.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, sitting back up. “Bad coping mechanism.”

“It’s alright,” she said and passed the bottle back to him.

“Any letters from Reg yet?”

“No, I’m sorry Pads.”

“It’s alright,” Sirius said in a tone that told her it was not, in fact, alright. “Just would be nice to know he doesn’t hate me.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Lily replied and hated how unconvincing it sounded. “Have you heard from Remus?”

“Bits and pieces, but it was hard, they pushed a lot of us behind enemy lines. We couldn’t get letters in and out very easily from there. I’m pretty sure they sent him back home to some military hospital for further surgery. He wasn’t sure if they were going to let him back on the front line. It’s going to sound selfish as hell, but I sure hope they didn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Lily told him. “I had days where all I wished was that they’d take someone else than the three of you. I never thought I’d wish death on another person. I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about that.”

Sirius drank again, “I don’t know how you did it Lils. It’s almost been a year since I last saw Remus and I’m an absolute wreck.”

“Do I look like I have everything together?”

Sirius stared at her intensely then and she did her best not to squirm under his gaze. He always had this way of reading people, of looking at them and seeing right through to their soul.

“Come on,” Lily said, swiping the bottle before he could say anything else. “Let’s get wasted and forget about all our problems.”

“You read my mind,” Sirius said and smiled at her. Lily titled the wine back up to her mouth and tried not to think about the way his smile didn’t quite meet his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... hi, so real talk for a second. My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster the last couple weeks and I think some of my emotions about everything that has been going with me personally has bleed into the fic when I'm writing. I'm guess what I'm trying to say is I'm really sorry if the fic has taken a bit of a dark and more emotional turn. That wasn't my intention for some of these reunion scenes but the story just took me that way.  
> I'm hoping to be able to pull out of that darkness a bit and give you all some softer bits moving forward while still keeping true with the story so far. With that in mind, I'm planning on updating on Wednesday and Friday this week.  
> As always, I value your feedback and truly appreciate you all taking this journey with me. It means the world to me that there are people out there reading what I create.  
> Lots of love from your author <3


	29. Without Magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm heckin' tired but also don't want to wait til I get up tomorrow so here you go - soft softness and fluff as promised!

James and Sirius stayed up late many nights after that just quietly conversing amongst themselves. It was still odd to her to see these men that she had always known to be so loud, so rambunctious, now silenced to cold whispers and silent tears. She often wondered what they were saying. She knew that James and Sirius were brothers, but she couldn’t help feeling on the outside. Like when she had gotten them back, she’d only really gotten half of them.

She had been lying awake in bed for hours when James came and crawled in beside her. She was sure that it must be well after midnight. As he crawled under the sheets, he rolled over and placed a kiss on her forehead. She turned to face him.

“Hey,” James said, rubbing his eyes. “Did I wake you?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

James nodded, which looked awkward considering he was lying down. 

“I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you,” James said. “For a long time. Sirius told me tonight that if I don’t start talking to you, he’s going to stop talking to me.”

Lily smiled at James, hoping it helped ease some of the nervous energy she could feel radiating off of him. She watched his chest go in and out as he took in a deep breath.

“I want to give you a great love story Lily. Because you deserve it. I was naïve and stupid when I left. I thought I’d do my time and come back up and sweep you into my arms and we’d ride off into the sunset together. I knew the war was going to be tough, I just think I had no idea how bad it could be. I mean, I wasn’t lying when I told Sirius I knew something like this could happen, I guess I just never thought it would happen to one of us. I never thought it would happen to me.”

Lily placed her hand over his to help steady him. 

“Everything that happened with… Peter,” James closed his eyes as he said the name and even then, his voice came out dry and tripping over the syllables like he had to fight to get it out. “It really screwed me up Lily. I… I trusted him. I would have died for him and he couldn’t even stay by my side. There is so much more, everything that happened before and everything that came after and I want to tell you I do… it’s just” he looked down at their intertwined hands “you deserve love Lily. Not all my brokenness.”

Lily felt a tug in her throat and her heart. How could he think that she didn’t want this? That she didn’t want all of him? Sure, she had shut him down for years, but they were both young and foolish then. They were different now. She wasn’t turning away from him anymore. 

She leaned forward and rested her forehead against James’. 

“This is love silly. All of it. All of the messy and the broken. I want it all James. I want you.” She squeezed his hand tightly. “You don’t have to tell me everything at once, just as long as you’re willing to let me in. Okay?”

He let go of her hand so he could run his gently through her hair. It didn’t bother her anymore, the way that he could only touch her in one place at a time, it made every touch so much more meaningful knowing he was always actively thinking about her, deciding which part of her he wanted to hold most. 

“Okay,” James said.

He lifted his arm and Lily rolled over and tucked her body neatly against his.

“One perk of having only one arm, I don’t have to worry about where to put the other one when cuddling.”

“You say that like you have a lot of experience with cuddling.”

“Have you met Sirius?”

Lily laughed and lying in their bed with James finally talking to her and holding her close Lily slept the best she had in over two years. 

They settled into a routine over the next couple of weeks. Lily made sure to thank Sirius for helping James open up and he only smiled and nodded in response. Despite being from the noble house of Black, Sirius had a subtle humility to him that few saw. Most of the time all of the extravagance and drama was just a cover for what really lay inside, for the way Sirius had feared for years to let others truly see him. 

Lily caught them up on all the newest music and they spent most of their evenings dancing to records in the living room and drinking. One night, James put a record on that caused Sirius to burst into tears after the first few notes. Neither of them could get him to stop crying for long enough to find out what was wrong. They just held onto him. 

As Lily and James found their stride as a couple, Sirius slipped further and further into himself. James and Lily didn’t like leaving him alone and traded their nights out for learning to cook new dishes and playing cards with Sirius. He could never tell them, but those nights meant the world to him. 

It had been over a month since Sirius had come home and Lily had started to teach him how to do Muggle things like sew and wash laundry. He loved it, partly because he found these tasks calming and partly because the mix of Muggle and magic in his world made him feel closer to Remus. 

Sirius had his hands deep in the soapy dish water. Lily stood on his left drying the mugs and plates as he cleaned them. There was something about washing dishes that soothed Sirius more than anything else Lily had showed him. Maybe it had something to do with the fact he had never had to do it growing up, having house elves to complete any chores and dirty work or maybe it was that everyone in the Wizarding world liked to magic things clean. There was a comfort in the mundanity of the task. In doing something so simple yet so necessary. It always left his head feeling cleared and slightly accomplished. It was one of the many things that made him wonder if magic was always the right way. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lily asked. 

“How some things are better without magic.”

Lily smiled. “I love handing purebloods a pen for the first time.”

“Whoever thought quills were superior deserves a lifetime of misery. They just make me feel like a pretentious snob. And yes – I am well aware I come from a whole family of pretensions snobs.” He flicked water at her and she jumped back quickly before shooting him a glare of warning. 

Sirius turned his attention back to the window as Lily went on about the little things she loved most about the Muggle world. He was listening but he was also just taking in the calm. It had been so long since he’d be able to do a simple task without fearing a sudden attack or ambush. His body hadn’t quite settled back into it yet. He often found himself jittery over the simplest thing as if some monster was going to jump out of the dishwater and attack him. It helped to focus on the present. 

Sirius looked out the window and took in the street. He liked being able to watch people come and go. A couple black cabs made their way up the hill. A man fumbled in his pockets for his car keys before heading inside. A woman kissed her husband goodbye before he headed out for the day. A golden-haired boy with the most perfect freckles was making his way up the street to their doorstop.

Sirius blinked twice and the pot he was cleaning slipped out of his hands and landed back in the sink with a loud splash.

“Sirius are you-“

But he didn’t hear the end of what Lily was saying, he was already tearing out of the kitchen, down the hallway and towards the front door. All the time thinking: please don’t let this be a dream, please don’t let this be a dream, please don’t let this be a dream. He threw the door open just in time to startle Remus who was standing at the doorstep, summoning the courage to knock. Not because he was scared but because he was so lovesick and nervous. 

Before Remus had time to express his surprise, Sirius had launched himself through the front door and was holding Remus tightly in his arms. 

“Tell me I’m not dreaming.”

“You’re not. I’m here, Sirius. I’m finally here.”

And Sirius heart went alight at the sound of the other boy’s voice. A voice he played over and over in his mind for the last year but no matter how many times he replayed the track he could never get it quite right. It didn’t have that slight Welsh lilt and it was missing the way he said Sirius’ name differently when his face was curling up into a smile at the edges. But now he was here, and Sirius didn’t need to imagine anymore. He wanted to beg Remus to say his name over and over again just so he would know this wasn’t all in his head. 

Sirius pulled out of the hug, placing his hands on Remus’ shoulders as he took him all in. He wanted to run his fingers over Remus’ freckles and play connect the dots until he had mapped out all their constellations. He wanted to run his hands through his honey curls and relearn what they felt like after a proper washing. He wanted to find all the scars Sirius knew he’d missed in the last year and kiss them better. But instead he just stood there, drinking him all in. 

“Your hair,” Remus whispered reaching a hand up to brush his fingers along Sirius’ dark locks. 

“You should have seen it before the war.” Sirius replied. Not taking his eyes off of Remus as he leaned into his touch. 

Remus noted the way that Sirius’ attention was being drawn firmly to Remus’ lips and cast a nervous look around the empty street.

“Pads, maybe we should wait.”

“I did my waiting. Twelve months of it,” Sirius said and then he grabbed Remus’ shirt and tugged him towards him. Their lips crashing into each other with a year’s worth of want. As Sirius slipped his tongue into Remus’ mouth and along his teeth, Remus managed to surface for just long enough to push him through the front door. Sirius kicked the door shut behind him, not caring that he’d probably just bruised his socked foot. He shoved Remus against it and slipped his hand behind the small of his back, remembering the first time he did so, the way it felt like it belonged there, like they were made to fit together. He ran his other hand along Remus’ arm as Remus slipped a hand underneath Sirius’ shirt. Sirius pulled away from his mouth to plant kisses along his jawline. 

“I missed you so goddamn much,” Sirius whispered into his ear. 

“Sirius,” Remus hummed as he tugged him closer. After a year of distance Remus couldn’t stand anymore space between them. “I love you so much.”

And then there’s another voice in the hallway as Lily cleared her throat loudly. 

Sirius lifted his head from where he was planting kisses on Remus’ neck and turned to glare at Lily. Remus moved to step away from him, but Sirius held him close.

“Care to tell me who this man is that you’re defiling in my front hallway?”

Sirius hooked his arm around Remus’ waist as he pulled them up so they were both facing Lily. 

“This,” Sirius said barely able to speak through the wide smile on his face. “Is my Remus.”

The addition of the word ‘my’ made Remus weak at the knees and he struggled to hide his blush. 

“Hi Lils,” Remus managed to get out.

“Hi Rems, nice to finally meet you in person, whenever you two are done here everything you asked me to get is in the fridge in the kitchen.”

This time it was Remus who got to watch the look of astonishment on Sirius’ face. 

“What… you… how?” 

Remus laughed and Sirius heart fluttered in response. 

“We wrote to each other a lot, I guess we both knew something about missing the man that we loved.”

Lily smiled devilishly, relishing in Sirius’ surprise. 

“Lily Evans, I swear if I weren’t so happy right now I would-“

“I know, I know,” Lily said, holding her hands up defensively. “We’ll fill you in later and I may suggest if you’re going to keep going at the rate you are, you find yourselves a room with a door instead of the front foyer.”

She called the last part out over her shoulder as she walked away and Remus’ face went scarlet again. 

“My Moony,” Sirius said running his thumb over Remus’ cheek.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Then Remus pulled Sirius in for another kiss and as Sirius closed his eyes, he couldn’t help but think that the best things in life don’t need any magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang is all back together! Thanks for all your continued support! I love hearing from all of you!   
> We'll get to hear what happened in the missing year on Friday!


	30. Letters IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter only contains a portion of the letters I imagine Lily and Remus sent to each other. I could probably write a whole novel of letters if I kept going!

Eventually, Sirius and Remus untangled themselves for long enough that Remus could start cooking the dinner he had in mind. Sirius was not a fan on having to watch Remus standing so close without being able to touch him. So often on the front lines, they had to hide or wait for the right moment away from prying eyes to be with each other and now here in the privacy of their own place they didn’t have to be afraid anymore. There was nothing keeping them apart. 

“We’re going to be eating at midnight if you don’t let me work,” Remus said failing miserably to have the smallest note of frustration in his voice as Sirius wrapped his hands around Remus’ waist and nuzzled his head against his neck. 

“Fine by me.”

Remus rolled his eyes but failed to suppress a smile as he planted a kiss on Sirius’ head. 

“The faster we get dinner done the more time we have to ourselves.”

Sirius pulled away from Remus and stood up straight, “Hand me a knife and those peppers.”

Remus threw his head back and laughed and it took everything in Sirius to not press him against the kitchen counter and snog him senseless. 

“Hello?” A voice called up from the front door as James came home from the errands he was running. 

“In here!” Sirius called. “What until he sees you’re here.”

“Sirius,” James said as he walked towards the kitchen. “I don’t know if I realized when-“

He stopped dead when he saw Remus. 

“Look who came for dinner,” Sirius said and his face was truly starting to ache from all of the smiling. He was pretty sure he’d smiled more in the last few hours than he had in the first eleven years of his life. 

James blinked a few times before his face burst into a huge grin, “What am I doing? Come here mate!” James said as he put down his bags and pulled Remus into a huge hug. 

“I’m so sorry James, I shouldn’t have led us until that valley.”

“It’s alright, no one could have known what would have happened. I’m just glad you’re here and that you’re okay.”

“Me too.”

As James pulled out of the hug, he surveyed the kitchen and noticed the boiling pots of water and the cutting boards in various stages of preparedness. 

“Sirius, he just got bloody back, you really don’t have to make him cook for you.”

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Lily knew he was coming, he asked her to buy all of this for him.”

James eyes went wide. “That cheeky little redhead.”

James spun on his heel and marched out the room and Sirius and Remus shared a laugh as they heard her squeals and giggles from down the hall.

Remus and Sirius finished making dinner with far too few kissing breaks for either of them. They both spent most of the meal with their hands linked on top of the table. 

“Remus that was amazing.” Lily said, smiling gently. It still took her by surprise to see Sirius this happy, but it was worth the shock every time just to see the way he looked at Remus and the way Remus was looking right back at him. 

“Thanks,” Remus said. “It’s my mum’s recipe.”

“Enough small talk,” Sirius said. “Spill the beans, how long have you two been in secret cohorts.” Sirius said gesturing an accusing finger between Remus and Lily. 

“It started shortly after you left, Pads. They transferred me to a military hospital back home, and it was really lonely. Of course, I loved hearing from you, but you could only get letters so often and I didn’t want to burden you with my loneliness. And I knew there was someone else who would understand what I was going through.”

“Besides,” Lily said, taking James hand in her own, “someone had told me I needed to care of our Moony.”

Dear Lily,

Life has taken a turn for the worse out here. I know you asked me to look after Sirius, but honestly, I think he’s been the one looking out for me. Any time I doubted myself as a leader, any time I was unsure if I made the right choice, or I blamed myself for things that happened as a result of my decisions, it was Sirius who was picking me up and holding me until everything got better.

And now he’s gone.

Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. That’s awful for me to put in a letter coming from the front lines. We got separated. We were part of the Normandy invasion and I got really badly injured. They’re sending me to a hospital back home for further surgery, but Sirius had to move on with the rest of the platoon. 

I don’t know what to do Lily. When Sirius was here, he was always proving to me that I could be a better person. He was the one driving me forward. Before I met him, I’d lost sight of what I was fighting for. He helped me remember the reason I enlisted in the first place. The people I was fighting for. Now, I don’t even have the energy to keep fighting for myself. 

I’m sorry this letter is such a downer, but Lily, I’ve been on my own my whole life. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Your friend,   
Remus

Dear Remus,

It’s okay, I understand. On the days I don’t have to work I lie in bed for so long not wanting to go downstairs to the empty house. 

I don’t talk about it much, but I had a really good friend when we were at school. His name was Severus, and James and him hated each other. While Severus didn’t deserve the violence from James, he did hold a very rigid set of beliefs. I thought that maybe being friends with him would help change that. Maybe if he could see that people like me matter, that we aren’t any different from people like him, he could become a better person and he could move beyond that hatred. For years, I let him turn his anger out on me and acted like it was okay. 

One day, after a particularly terrible bout with James, I was trying to help him, and he told me to get my filthy hands off of him. There were some other words thrown in there too, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what they were, but I saw then that I couldn’t make him a better person if he didn’t want to become one. So, I walked away, and I was on my own for a really long time before I finally fell in with Sirius, Peter, and James. James worked so hard to become a better person and spending time with the three of them I finally felt seen. It didn’t matter to them who I was. They liked hanging out with me and we could make each other laugh and that was what mattered. 

Finally, after years of wandering, pain, and loneliness it felt like it had all been worth it. That everything I had gone through was leading me to them, was leading me to James. But the moment I finally knew he was mine, was the moment he was being taken away from me. 

The loneliness is deeper now that I know what I’m missing. Maybe we can survive the darkness if we go through it together.

Your friend,  
Lily

Dear Lily, 

Another letter from Sirius this morning. He couldn’t tell me much about what they were doing, but he said he likely won’t be able to write for a while. I hate to lose this last tether I have to him. 

My wounds are healing well after the surgery. They say I should be cleared soon. They’ve offered me an honourable discharge, but it feels to much like walking away from him. I know they won’t clear me for active combat but maybe I can help with strategy from the home front. I like the idea that a decision I could be making could help Sirius wherever he is. 

I’ve been through a lot as kid. I’m sure Sirius never mentioned it, but I’m quite literally covered in scars. He’s the first person who didn’t jump at the sight of them. Come to think of it, James never did either. But through all those years, through all of that pain. The physical hurt was never as much as the emotional hurt. Wounds I can watch heal. I can charter the progress and find peace in the fact that eventually they’ll close over and the pain will subside. But this ache inside of me, I’m not sure if it will ever go away. 

But talking to you helps. Every time I get a letter from you, the pain eases just a little. I hope I can help do the same for you.

Your friend,  
Remus

Dear Remus, 

I’m glad to hear your recovery is going well. I know what you mean about wanting to help out. After the news from James came in, everyone at my work understood if I wanted to quit. But I couldn’t, walking away from that job would make me feel like I had let go of the last connection I had to James. It would be like really admitting that he could be gone. Even writing that on paper breaks my heart. 

Hearing you talk about James helps bring him back to life for me. It helps me remember the little things that I already feel like I’m forgetting. It helps to remember his gentleness. It helps to know that even out there in the midst of the war he was still my James. For years I thought James was just obsessed with me as some pretty redhead he saw as a conquest. It took me a long time to realize he didn’t care about any of that, he always had a way of seeing what people really had inside of them and judging them based on who they are as a person. Maybe that’s why he never liked Severus, maybe he could see something in him that I couldn’t.

The pain won’t stop until they are home in our arms again. In the meantime, I keep track of time in the days between your letters. It helps me stop counting time in days since I received that MIA notice. 

They are coming home Remus. Every time I write it down, I believe it a little more. Or at least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.

Your friend,   
Lily

Dear Remus,

I have no paper or pen. I have no way of getting this letter to you or communicating to you but writing letters to you in my head helps you feel a little less far away. Sometimes I like to daydream of what your response might be. 

We are so far behind enemy lines now and our survival relies on our ability to blend in, to act like everyone else. You and I know a little about that don’t we?

I know you’ll be okay. You’re strong and you’ll fight through your injuries and come back even stronger. You were always showing me new ways of finding strength inside myself. You inspired me to be better.

I fear every day that something will happen to me. That I’ll never get to see you again. I fear you won’t know how much I love you. And how even if I can’t tell you, I think of you every day. 

I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to see you again but know that whenever I close my eyes all I ever dream of is you.

Yours,  
Sirius

Dear Lily,

It’s been three months since I’ve heard from Sirius. The silence threatens to swallow me whole.

Remus

Dear Remus,

The silence only gets more deafening. Know that we can at least drown in it together. 

Lils

Dear Remus,

It is VE Day, but I feel like we haven’t won. I still don’t know if James is coming home. I still don’t know if he’s okay. When I try to sleep at night all I dream of is the impossible what ifs, the horrible maybes. 

Does the war truly end with a surrender or does it continue on in each of us?

Your friend,  
Lily

Dear Lily,

You’ve been so strong for me over this last year. I don’t know if I would have made it through without your unwavering support. I must say, I do feel guilty for leaning on you when you’re struggling to stand up yourself. 

Even when you feel weak, even when you feel like giving in, know that every day you keep pushing forward makes you so wonderfully brave. I have to believe that this story has a happy ending, because if anyone deserves it, it’s you. 

Until then, keeping fighting soldier and know I’m by your side.

Rems

Dear Remus,

I am so sorry it has been so long since I have written to you. The last month has been an absolute whirlwind. But James is home Remus, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my entire life. I didn’t even know I had so many tears in me. He has lost his arm, but he’s here and that’s all that matters. 

I swear we’ve been trying to make up for the years apart in a week. We do everything together, go everywhere together and James is quiet and different, but he still loves me, and I love him too. I know that as long as we are by each other’s side everything will be alright. I spent so long missing him that now I can’t bear to let him out of my sight. 

I don’t tell you all of this to rub your nose in our happiness because I have some good news for you too Remus. Sirius is home. I’m sure he’ll be writing you the first chance he gets if he hasn’t already, but I needed to tell you thank you. I don’t think I could have survived this without you. James was right about our friendship and I can’t wait to finally meet in person. Get to London as soon as you can, we all can’t wait to see you.

Your friend,  
Lily

Moony 

I can’t put onto paper all the things I want to say to you. Remember what I told you. I’m at James’, please come find me, I can’t bear to be without you anymore.

Yours,   
Padfoot

Dear Lily,

I’m so glad James is home and Sirius too. I’m so happy for all of you. I told you your story would have a happy ending. But maybe more accurately this is a happy beginning. 

Sirius has written me, but I can’t pick up the pen to write back to him without breaking down, I’m coming to London and I want to make you all one of my favourite Welsh meals. Then we can all sit down together and toast to our futures. 

I’ve attached an ingredient list, if you don’t mind picking everything up that would be wonderful. I can pay you back once I get there. 

I can’t get to London fast enough.

Your friend,  
Remus

After Lily and Remus finished catching everyone up on the letters, they had shared that had helped them get through the rest of war, Sirius and Lily cleaned up after dinner, he made sure to find a moment to pull her aside. 

“Thank you for taking care of my Moony,” he whispered to her gently. 

“We took care of each other,” Lily told him. “That’s what friends do.”

As the four of them sat in the living laughing and sharing stories, Lily realized something. Remus was right. This wasn’t the end of anything. It was only the beginning. They had a lot of healing to do and they needed to learn how to be with each other again after so long apart. But tonight, they were just enjoying the possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this chapter kind of feels like an ending but I have more of this story I want to tell and would love to keep writing it if people want to keep reading. I am absolutely blown away that this fic is over 50,000 words now. I love writing this story and I love hearing what you all think of it! Thanks for the continued support!


	31. The Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is cheesy as hell - sorry!

Living with your best friend and their significant other wasn’t the greatest choice of living situation. There were some jokes that were meant for private moments, without the interruption of your best mate walking into the room. Not to mention the fact that this old house had thin walls, very thin walls. 

“Merlin, if I have to walk in on James with his tongue down Lily’s throat one more time, I swear I will claw my eyes out.” Sirius said flopping face first onto their bed where Remus was reading. Remus rolled his eyes and shut the book, knowing full well he wouldn’t get anymore reading done with Sirius here. 

“Didn’t you live in the same room with him for seven years at Hogwarts?” Remus asked.

“Yes,” Sirius said, turning himself over so Remus could hear him better. “But that was just years of listening to him pine over Lily. I never had to watch or hear them doing anything.”

“Well, if it helps,” Remus said leaning over to give Sirius a kiss, “they probably hear us too.”

Sirius flinched. “Dear God, I do not want to think about that.”

Remus laughed as he tugged Sirius up next to him. Sirius curled into his side and Remus ran his hand through Sirius’ hair. He loved how long it was getting. A reminder of all the time they’d spent together. 

“Pads.”

“Mhm,” Sirius mumbled playing with a loose string from Remus sweater. 

“The full moon is coming up soon. I’ll need to head home.”

Sirius stopped what he was doing and pulled himself upright so he could face Remus. He was fidgeting with his own hands now that they were no longer in Sirius’ hair. He looked scared to be reminding Sirius of this part of himself. 

“I understand,” Sirius said, taking Remus’ hands in his own. “I just wish you didn’t have to go. I mean, not that I have a problem with you being a werewolf, I don’t care at all love. It’s just…”

“We just found our way back to each other?” Remus asked, smiling sadly.

“Exactly,” Sirius said, dropping one of Remus’ hands so he could cup the side of his face. He could never get over how right this felt. The way everything finally fell into place in a way that it never had with anyone before. Sirius didn’t usually like being touched. He usually struggled to get close to anyone. But Remus set his heart at ease. He trusted him fully and completely. For once in his life he didn’t worry he was going to be hit when someone raised a hand to him. Remus didn’t just make Sirius feel safe. He was his safe place. And maybe that’s why Sirius said what he said next. 

“Move in with me.” Sirius said. 

“What?” Remus asked, eyes snapping open and roaming over Sirius’ face as he waited for the punchline. 

“I know it’s too soon, or maybe it isn’t, but I want to be with you.”

“Sirius… I… I don’t have much money.”

“Don’t worry about that. My uncle left me some money that I’ve barely touched and I’m sure James would chip in if we needed it. Just think about it Moony, we could get our own flat in London or some place in the country if you prefer. Or both, that way we’d have somewhere else, somewhere safe we could go every month for your transformations. That way, we could be together, and we wouldn’t ever have to be apart. I can be with you for every one and help take care of you after. It might sound-“

Remus cut Sirius off by rolling on top of him and pushing him down on the bed. He pressed his mouth against Sirius’ and Sirius remembered their first kiss. The way that Remus had cut him off before he could finish speaking. The fireworks hadn’t stopped since that first time. Every time Remus kissed him Sirius couldn’t stop thinking how lucky he was. Couldn’t convince himself that this wasn’t a dream.

“You never answered me.” Sirius said coming up for air.

“Yes, of course I’ll move in with you.”

“Excellent,” Sirius said, grinning like an idiot. “Then let’s celebrate,” and he pulled Remus back down towards him.

“I wish those two idiots would learn how to do a silencing charm,” James groaned as he buried his face against Lily’s chest in a feeble attempt to block out the noises coming from the other room. 

“Oh, come on James, not like we ever put one up anyways.”

“Dear Lord, don’t make me think about that Lils.” James said scrunching his face up at the thought of Remus and Sirius overhearing anything from their room. 

“It is good to see Pads so happy.” Lily said as she stroked James’ head affectionately. 

“It is. It’s good to see all of us so happy.”

Lily smiled.

“Lily I…”

“Yes?”

James sat up in bed and Lily followed him. She waited to let him speak. She was learning this was the best way to get him to open up. 

“Lily,” James said again, turning to face her and taking his hands in her hands. “I… I know this will probably seem too soon and maybe a little unromantic. But god, we, or I guess maybe more accurately I, wasted so much time not saying how I felt about you and I just don’t want to waste another moment because I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“What are you saying James?”

“I guess what I’m saying is… Lily Evans, will you marry me?”

There was a beat before James started scrambling. 

“God, sorry, I can’t believe I proposed to you in the middle of the night, hell I’m not even on one knee-“

He was interrupted by Lily throwing her arms around her and kissing him passionately. 

“Shut up you dolt, of course I’ll marry you.”

“Really?” James said, and Lily’s heart fluttered at how adorable he looked, sitting crossed legged, eyes wide like a kid whose parents had just surprised him with a puppy. 

She nodded and held him tightly before kissing him again. He was right. They had wasted so much time already. What was the point of waiting when she knew this was what she wanted, what they both wanted? Besides they’d never been conventional. They started a relationship from a clasping of hands on a train platform, of course they’d get engaged while sitting in their pyjamas. 

“What am I doing?” James exclaimed wiping happy tears from his eyes. “Do you still have the ring?”

“Do I still have the ring?” Lily laughed. “I wore it every day while you were gone.” She untangled herself from him and got up to pull his grandmother’s ring out of her jewellery stand. She stopped wearing it when James came back home, waiting for the day he’d give it to her for real, just like he’d promised in his letter. 

James scurried to take it out of her hand and dropped to one knee. Lily made an overdramatic gesture of extending her arm out to him and they both giggled as he slid the ring onto her finger. Lily had to admit she’d missed its familiar weight. It’s gentle reminder that James was hers, he always would be and no matter how far away he went, no matter what happened, he was always going to come back to her. 

James sprung to his feet and lifted her in his arm spinning her around the room and listening to her giggles that reminded him of summer afternoons and fairy laughter. Then he picked her up and took her back to bed and they crashed into their future together. 

The next morning four very excited people sat giddy and nervous at the kitchen table, exchanging knowing glances with their significant other before bursting into wide grins and soft laughter. 

Sirius was the first one to speak, after being nudged multiple times by Remus under the table. 

“We have something we need to tell you.”

James eyebrows shot up curiously, “Us too.”

Sirius returned James’ look of interest. “Do you want to go first?”

James looked quickly at Lily who squeezed his hand and shook her head furiously. James thought about the way her hair always looked like a wildfire when she did that and then remembered he’d get to see her do it for the rest of his life. He got so distracted he forgot to answer until Sirius cleared his throat loudly.

“Er- sorry Pads, you go first.”

He looked at Remus who nodded toward him.

“We’re moving in together!” They said at the same time. 

“I think I’ve got enough money set aside to buy a place and I know it might seem soon, but,” Sirius turned and said the last part looking directly into Remus’ eyes, “we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Lily couldn’t suppress a laugh, of course, leave it to them to all make big life decisions at the same time. 

“What?” Remus teased. “You got better news?”

Lily helped up her right hand and wiggled her fingers, taking too much joy of the way Remus and Sirius’ eyes grew to the size of saucepans. 

“You didn’t.” Sirius said looking directly at James. 

He shrugged but couldn’t hide the smile from his face and the way happiness radiated from his every pore. Stunned silence filled the kitchen.

“Merlin, what are we doing?” Sirius finally burst out. “Get in here you two!” He pushed his chair out and got to his feet. The other three did the same and they wrapped each other up in a hug. They were tired of living with each other yes, but they also had to admit they were going to miss mornings like this, when tired and barely awake, they could stand and celebrate their future together.


	32. Growing Pains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry there was no chapter on Friday - I was moving and things got pretty stressful last week so I just needed to check out for a bit. I haven't done a whole lot of editing on this chapter but I wanted to get it up so I'll go back and clean it up as soon as I can.

Remus stretched groggily, slowly coming to and reminding himself that he was in his and Sirius’ bed. It was the night after the full moon and everything was okay.

Sirius and him had been living together for three months now and he still couldn’t get used to waking up swaddled in blankets after every full moon with his wounds carefully attended to and bandaged. Sirius had bought a shack in the middle of nowhere and would apparate Remus out there for his transformations and brought him back to the flat every morning. Sirius insisted that he’d be fine to stay with Remus through the night, but Remus was sure that they’d just gotten lucky the time before. He wouldn’t do anything that could possible hurt Sirius. 

Remus often wondered if he could travel back in time and tell his sixteen year old self all the horrors he would face: the loss, the bloodshed and guilt, all the awful injuries and wartime atrocities that crept their way into his nightmares, and then tell him about all the joys: the lives he had been able to save, the friends that he had found, the innocent people he’d been able to protect, and most of all Sirius, would he have still chosen to enlist?  
There is no way of ever knowing. But the truth is there is so often good tangled up in the all the horrors of life. Beauty cannot exist without pain. Yes, Remus wished the war had never needed to happen, but he also knew that it did and through all the heartache and the pain, it had brought him this. Domestic bliss with a love he could have never imagined.

Sirius tiptoed quietly into the room holding two steaming cups of tea. He set one down on the nightstand next to Remus side’ of the bed. 

“Morning love,” he said upon realized Remus was awake, and he bent down and brushed his lips gently along Remus forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Good.”

“And really?” 

“Like I’ve been hit by a lorry.”

This was one of their new things. A simplicity of domesticity that Remus loved. Sirius had noticed that whenever he asked how Remus was he always answered without thinking with some version of the words: I’m fine or everything is okay. Instead of scolding him about it, Sirius had just adapted to asking him twice. Not caring that it was unnecessary, just glad to do whatever it took to get Remus to open up to him. 

“Sorry that’s likely my fault.” Sirius said as he climbed onto the bed so he could sit next to Remus, moving slowly as to not spill his own cup of tea. “I can start sleeping on the couch before the full.”

Sirius’ nightmares had gotten worse in their year spent apart. There was still the usual reoccurring ones about his family, but there was something else there too. Remus could only piece together what he’d heard from Sirius dreams’ and knew that something had happened when Sirius was behind enemy lines, something he didn’t want to talk about. They were only sporadic at first, but as time went on they got gradually worse and worse. Now it was almost every night Remus was shaking Sirius out of a nightmare and on the worst nights Sirius would let Remus hold him and tell him that it was all going to be better. Gently reminding him that he was back in their bedroom now, that Remus had him, that everything was going to be okay. But more often than not once Sirius realized what had happened he’d tell Remus that it was just a bad dream, apologize for waking him up and tell him he should go back to sleep. Whenever Remus asked in the morning, Sirius would say he slept well the rest of the night, but more than once Remus had woken up to the sounds of him moving around their flat.

Last night had been a bad one. Remus was startled awake by Sirius screaming something that sounded an awful lot like “Take me instead!” Remus had shaken Sirius arm, trying to shut down the irrational fear in his mind that one day he wouldn’t be able to get Sirius to wake up, that the nightmare would keep going and Remus would be powerless to help him. But Sirius had woken up drenched in sweat and trembling, his eyes darting around the room like a terrified animal before settling on Remus. Sirius had burst into sobs at the sight of him, startling Remus who was used to Sirius cold and quiet reactions. Remus had just held him the rest of the night and let him cry, desperately wanting to ask what had happened but knowing that Sirius would never tell him.

“I won’t hear of you sleeping on the couch and you nothing to apologize for.”

Sirius nodded gently, but Remus could tell by his eyes that he didn’t believe him. He watched Sirius’ hands tremble as he raised the cup of tea to his lips and wondered how long it had been since he had gotten a decent nights sleep. He caught Remus staring and changed the topic immediately. 

“Well, since you’re feeling so miserable, I guess we’ll just have to spend the whole day in bed.”

“What a tragedy,” Remus said smiling up at him. 

“It truly is,” Sirius said as he set his cup of tea aside and pulled the covers up over himself as he snuggled close to Remus. 

“Read me something,” Remus said. 

“It’s never as good when I read it.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, “Do I really need to pull the werewolf card right now?”

Sirius let out a huff of anger for effect before rolling over Remus to grab a book from his nightstand. Careful not to put any weight on Remus’ for fear of aggravating any of his injuries. 

“Again?” Remus asked with a smile when he saw the familiar blue cover. 

Sirius smiled as he opened the book and flipped through to find his favourite story. 

Remus watched his fingers turn over the pages of “Winnie-the-Pooh,” that Sirius had given him for his birthday in October. His original copy had been lost somewhere during the raid on Normandy. Sirius had left an inscription in the front cover. 

I can’t wait to find my enchanted place with you Moony.  
Yours always, Pads

Sirius picked a story and Remus listened to his strong steady voice as he read aloud. 

Remus woke up a few hours later. He turned gently to see Sirius curled up, the book lying splayed out on the bed from where he must have fallen asleep reading sometime after Remus. Remus picked the book up gently and set it back on the bedside table next to his now cold cup of tea. Then he got up very slowly, careful not to move the bed too much for fear of waking up Sirius. 

He made his way into the bathroom and started the shower. Sirius didn’t like him showering after full moons, always scared he’d slip with his muscles being so weak, but he was lazy and didn’t want to wait for the bath to fill. He stayed in only as long as he needed to and kept his hands close to the wall as often in possible just in case. As he turned off the water and toweled himself off he took inventory of all his injuries and any new scars. Sirius was getting really good at healing spells so the fact that there were still cuts and bruises to be seen gave Remus a sense of how bad last night. 

He ran his fingers gently over his largest scar, the one from his surgery. It started low by his hip and ended just underneath his left breast. He remembered the first time Sirius had seen it. The sharp intake of breath had made him immediately self-conscious, but then Sirius was tracing over it gently while looking him in the eyes and telling him, “Beautiful. Still beautiful.” 

He smiled at the memory as he brushed his teeth and got dressed. Groaning when he stood up too quickly from the sink and the room spun. He wasn’t lying when he said he felt like he’d been hit by a lorry. It was just he was used to the pain by now. 

Remus cast a passing glance at Sirius sleeping form as he made his way into the living room. He’d been meaning to talk to Lily about the nightmares, wondering if she had any suggestions about how to get him to open up. In the meantime, he lounged on a couch with a book for most of the afternoon, dozing on and off as his headaches came and went. Finally, when it got late enough, he got up and started cooking dinner. 

Remus was standing over the stove when a familiar pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist and Sirius tucked his head over Remus’ shoulder. 

“Hey you,” Remus said tilting his head to give Sirius a quick peck on the cheek.

“You’re supposed to be resting.” Sirius mumbled back. “Always terrible at following orders.”

“That’s the real reason they left me in charge,” Remus joked. “Did you get some sleep?”

“Mhm.”

“Any dreams?”

Remus felt Sirius’ muscles tense briefly around him before Sirius righted himself. 

“Yes, I was terribly fat and couldn’t stop eating pot after pot of honey no matter how hard I tried. Guess that’s what I get for falling asleep in the middle of reading.”

Remus nodded and decided not to push it. After all they’ve been through didn’t they deserve these brief moments of peace?

Remus was woken by a sharp kick to the leg and blinked slowly awake as he heard Sirius mumbling beside him. He rubbed his eyes as he took in Sirius twitching beside him, feeling a jolt of pain to his heart as the spasms quickly turned to thrashing. 

“Sirius?” Remus tried gently. 

“I won’t talk,” Sirius was mumbling, “I won’t tell you anything.”

Remus reached out a hand for Sirius but jumped backward when he let out a piercing scream. 

“Sirius!” Remus shouted, grabbing his wrists to steady him. 

Sirius jolted forward his hand flying out instinctively and if it had been any other night than after the full moon Remus would have been quick enough to deflect it but his reflexes were still recovering. 

Sirius settled and his eyes came back into focus and he came back to reality. 

“Rems?” Sirius said, reaching out for Remus’ shoulder to turn him back to face him. 

“Mhm fine,” he mumbled, using his hands to try and staunch the worst of the bleeding from his nose. “It looks worse than it is.”

Sirius gasped and his hand flew to his mouth, “I… Did I…?”

“It’s okay Pads, you were having a nightmare. You didn’t know what you were doing.”

“I… I hurt you.”

“It’s just a bloody nose. I’ll be alright.” Remus reached out for his hand and Sirius flinched at the sight of blood on his fingers. “Shit, I… I need to clean myself up. Just wait here okay Siri? Then we can talk about?” He got to his feet and headed for the bathroom, stopping at the door for a minute, he turned back around and looked Sirius dead in the eyes. “It’s going to be alright, I promise.”

He was busy washing the blood off his face when he heard a soft crack, turning the water off he made his way down the hall.

“Sirius?”

But he was gone, their bedroom stood empty.

Remus swore softly under his breath as he made his way into the kitchen and picked up the phone.

“Hello?” 

“Lily, is Sirius there?”

“Yeah, scared the crap out of me apparating out of nowhere like that. You do know what it time it is right?”

Remus sighed deeply and tugged a hand through his curls. “Yeah, I’m sorry didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s alright, he’s talking to James now, but he looked like shit Remus. What happened?”

“He…he’s been having this really bad nightmares. I mean, I knew he always had nightmares about his mum and stuff, but this is different. They got a lot worse after we moved out. Screaming and thrashing in his sleep. He only goes to bed when he absolutely has to. He had another bad bout tonight and when I tried to wake him up he punched me the face. He got pretty freaked when he woke up to me covered in blood.”

“Rems, why didn’t you tell me any of this was going on? You know James and I would have loved to help.”

“I know and I’m so sorry. It’s just things got so muddled and he kept telling me it was no big deal. I didn’t want to push him so I just let it slide. I don’t know – maybe, maybe a part of me wanted to believe him that it was just going to go away.”

“Alright, well let him stay here the rest of the night. I’ll go and talk to him too and then we’ll have you over for breakfast. And Moony?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t blame yourself for any of this. He’s coming to us because it’s what he’s used to doing when he’s scared. I know you already know, but with everything he went through with his family he got pretty messed up at times. I think he wants to protect you from all of that and whatever else has happened. I think he doesn’t want to hurt you with his hurt.”

Remus nodded solemnly, understanding exactly what Sirius was feeling. “Okay Lils, I’ll see you at breakfast. Take good care of him for me.”

“Always.”

No one got any sleep the rest of the night.

Breakfast was quiet the next day and Sirius turned away every time Remus caught him looking his way. James and Lily cleared the plates before excusing themselves to leave the two of them talk.

“Is your nose alright?” Sirius whispered and the change in tone shook Remus. It was strange to hear him being so quiet instead of his loud and boisterous self. But there was also a part of him that thought, fucking finally, finally Sirius would let him in.

“It’s fine, lucky shot,” Remus said trying to lighten the mood.

Silence.

That was okay. Remus could wait. 

“Rems… I… I’ve done things. Some things happened when I was behind enemy lines. And I… I…” Sirius whole body started to shake as he thought back on what he felt he needed to tell Remus, on what was causing all the nightmares.

“Hey,” Remus said, taking his hands to steady them. “It’s okay you don’t have to tell me what happened. You never have to tell me if you aren’t ready.”

Sirius looked at the ground and squeezed his eyes shut in order to stop the tears that were coming. “It’s just, I get so messed up sometimes and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can’t control myself and I get so scared that you’ll…you’ll leave me. I can’t lose anyone else.”

“I’m never going to leave you Sirius.”

“If you knew what I did, what I’ve done to the people I was supposed to care for. Remus, if you knew half of the thoughts that run through my head.” He clutched onto Remus desperately sobbing, “I’m sorry Remus I’m so sorry I can’t be who you think I am. I’m so sorry, I can’t be strong enough for you. I’m not the man you fell in love with. I was supposed to save him… I was supposed to get us both out of there and I failed…I…I let him died Remus.” His voice broke again and the next words came out as if they were scrapping their way up his throat, “I let him die.”

Remus had no idea who he was talking about, but it didn’t matter. “Sirius you don’t have to be the same person. You are allowed to change. We are allowed to change. I’ll never resent you for what you did or what you’ve done. You hear me? Never.”

“Never?” Sirius said, wiping snot from his face.

“Never.”

Remus leaned forward and rested his forehead against Sirius’.

“And nothing, nothing you ever think in here is going to be so dark that it will drive me away.”

Sirius nodded gently. 

“You don’t have to tell me everything, but I want to know if it’s getting bad. I want it all with you Sirius. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ve got your six.”

And then Remus brought Sirius to his chest and just held him there. Hoping that if Sirius could hear the sound of his heart beat he’d be reminded that Remus was here, right here. Now. Forever. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we have a little under ten chapters left in this story. What are your thoughts? Are you still enjoying it? Any loose ends you want to see wrapped up?
> 
> Also having someone's six means you got there back. It's a military term that comes from using the numbers on a clock to represent the position each soldier is in.


	33. The Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late my concept of time has been wild the last two weeks.

Sirius and Remus walked back home hand in hand, laughter dancing across the morning air. The events of the night before and their conversation this morning not forgotten, but simply set aside for a while. They were enjoying the fresh air and the possibility of a new day. The feel of the sun on their skin, warming them gently with the reminder that they were alive. As they neared their house, Sirius stopped abruptly and dropped Remus’ hand.

“Pads?” Remus said turning around to see where Sirius had rooted himself to the concrete.

“Who is that?” Sirius asked.

Remus followed his sightline to their front door where a young man sat on the stoop. When he realized he’d been seen he got hurriedly to his feet, tugged off his hat and held it to his chest. There was something wrong about all of this, he could read it in the man’s features, whatever he had come to say it wasn’t good news.

“Are you Sirius Black?” The boy asked making his way towards them. 

Sirius stayed rooted to the ground, unmoving.

“Sorry,” the young man said, “where are my manners. Private Nathan Kent 42nd infantry, though you can just call me Nate now.”

Sirius reached out a hand almost in a trance to shake his hand. Remus watched him nervously, he didn’t like when Sirius got like this: unhinged. As if the Sirius he knew had taken a coffee break, leaving a vacant shell behind him.

“Nate,” Sirius managed, glancing at the package that was sticking out of the inside of the boy’s jacket. Nate followed Sirius’ gaze.

“Right,” Nate said, smile faltering as he remembered what he had come here to do. “I knew your brother, Regulus, we were in the infantry together.

The mention of Sirius’ brother seemed to startle him back to reality.

“My brother? I don’t understand.”

“Right, sorry, I forget you didn’t get these,” he said as he pulled the package out of his pocket. It was a bundle of letters, many of them were dirt stained or bent and they were tied together with a rough piece of twine. Remus could just make out Sirius’ name on the top one, but the handwriting was unfamiliar to him.

“Reg, told me about what it was like for you two growing up, sounded something awful. He said he never got the nerve to tell you, but he always wished he could have been as brave as you were. You know, standing up to your parents the way you did, never caring what the consequences were.” Sirius stood dumfounded listening to this stranger discuss the most intimate parts of his life.

“He told me you could be daft sometimes,” Nate continued. “That no smart person would put up with that much. He said he was so happy when you ran away. Said it was the smartest thing you ever did. Said he wished he’d had the balls to go with you. He missed you something terrible, all he’d talk about was Sirius this and Sirius that. He figured you wrote him, but that all the letters must have been intercepted before they ever got to him. Is that true?”

Sirius nodded sadly.

“Sometimes, when things were going sideways, he’d tell me his worst fears. That you weren’t okay, that you ended up homeless or in a ditch somewhere. That you’d forgotten about him and that was the real reason that no letters came. You could tell he spent a lot of time going over the what ifs. I think he felt partly responsible for what happened to you. Felt that if he too had spoken up and said something, maybe you could have taken on your parents together or at least when you ran away you wouldn’t have been alone.”

“I wasn’t,” Sirius said. “I had good friends. They let me in.”

“He often talked about your friends, said he wished he had friends like that.” Nate laughed and the unexpected sound rattles Sirius’ bones. “Sorry, just he said maybe if he had friends like that they’d would have told him how thick he was being going along with everything your parents said.”

Sirius didn’t like this, something about all the past tense was making him queasy. Remus stood close by, listening, wishing he could change what he feared was coming.

“He saw your parents condemn the death of children, of family’s being torn apart. Something about the war finally woke him up to the realities of what your family’s beliefs meant. What could happen if that kind of hatred was allowed to be unleashed. So he enlisted, simply packed up a suitcase and was gone before they could think anything of it. He said it was the right thing to do, that it was what you would have done. Did you serve?”

“Yes, I did. Private Sirius Black, 32nd division.” Sirius said, thinking of the way he had being using the war to run further away from his family, not to fight against what they had believed in. At least, not at first. Maybe Regulus always saw him as better than he was in the way that only younger siblings can.

“He wrote you constantly, said he was glad that finally no one could stop him from getting back in touch with you, from being a brother again. Only problem was he didn’t know where to send them to, so he kept them all. Um, I think,” Nate said, suddenly choking back tears and unable to speak as he got to the reason he was here. “I think he hoped to give them to you one day. It was a landmine, took his leg clean off, they did all they could but he lost too much blood. Made me promise to give this to you,” Nate said placing the package in Sirius’ hand. “Sometimes I’m convinced whoever is pulling the strings only kept me alive so I could fulfill his final wish. He died loving you. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Sirius fell to his knees, eyes looking down in disbelief in the pile of letters in his hands. It had been so many years but Sirius would recognize that shaky handwriting anywhere. Regulus, Sirius’ little brother, Sirius’ only brother was gone. He never got a chance to say goodbye. He never got a chance to apologize for the all the horrible things he had thought of him. Regulus had never gotten a chance to prove him wrong, but he did. He proved to Sirius that he was a better man, a braver man than Sirius felt he could ever be. The tears come them, deep sobs of grief that racked his chest and caused his whole body to shake. Remus was at his side in an instant, wrapping his arms around Sirius as if he could hold together the pieces that were so quickly falling apart. Nate passed Remus a bit of paper with his information on it before slipping his hat back on his head, mumbling more apologies and leaving, wiping tears from his own eyes. 

All around them people averted their eyes, walked by quietly. The neighbourhood of London had become good at learning how to navigate grief. The heart wrenching cries of sorrow that had pierced the country for the past six years were not easily forgotten. 

It was at least half an hour before Remus could get Sirius on his feet and into their house. Once inside Sirius simply sat in his chair in the tiny apartment. Letting the cup of tea Remus made him turn cold. He alternated between heavy sobs and just staring off into space. Finally, as the sun was beginning to go down he pulled himself back into reality. He picked up the package off the table. He pulled on the twine until it came undo. He ran his fingers over the scribbled pencil markings on the back that bore only Sirius’ name and no address. He turned the envelope over, tugged out the letter, and began to read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually one of the first chapters I wrote of this fic. So glad I finally get to share it with you even if it breaks my heart. I really hope you enjoyed it. Always happy to hear feedback.


	34. Letters V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO! I HAVE RETURNED! First off can I just say I am so sorry for falling off the face of the planet. Between moving, a new job, and getting settled into school I kind of lost the heart of this story and it has taken me a while to find my way back to it. But I want to finish it! Also because I have experienced the pain of reading a fic that hasn't updated in years and never getting to know the end. I do have the rest of the story mapped out! Not sure what the update schedule will be like. Most likely whenever I have freetime but I'm hoping for at least one if not more chapters a week until we reach the end of the fic! (Somewhere around the 40 chapter mark)
> 
> Anyways, previously Sirius had just learned that Regulus died in active combat. This chapter contains some of the letters Regulus wrote to him that he's just received from Nate.

The letters were jumbled. Many of the earlier ones were fully written and formal. Some of the later ones weren’t even signed. Others were just scribbles on scraps of paper. But the handwriting was undeniably Regulus’.

Dear Sirius,

I did it. I left. I’m only sorry it took me so long to realize you were right. Maybe it was seeing dad agree with a Muggle of all people. I guess some atrocities make you alright in the eyes of the purebloods. I’m going off to fight in the war. I imagine it’s what you would have done. Maybe, it’s what you’re still doing. I’m not sure. I miss you. I’m sure you’ve written me, but mum has taken them.

Merlin, I would give anything to see mum’s face when she opens up the letter I left. The heir to the noble house of Black, the last good son, fighting in a Muggle conflict of all things?

I miss you Sirius. I think that’s why I’m writing this even though I have nowhere to address it to. I think a part of me hopes that when we find our way back to each other I can give you all these letters and you’ll understand that I missed you too, always. Maybe then you can forgive me for staying. 

Your brother,  
Regulus 

Dear Sirius,

Are you out there fighting? Did they make you shave your head too? God, all the crap I would have given you for being bald. I can’t even imagine how ridiculous you must look right now. 

We head out to the front lines tomorrow. I like it here so far. I’ve made new friends. A new family, maybe I’ve finally found something like what you’ve always had with James and Peter. I can’t wait for you to meet Nate one day, he’s quiet but you’d like him. Besides, it’s the quiet ones who can always pull off the best pranks. You never learned that lesson did you?

Yours,  
Reg

Sirius,

Is this really what our parents believed in? This violence. God, how could I have been so blind. Why do people feel the need to keep coming up with new reasons, let alone new weapons to destroy each other with? 

I’m so sorry for staying Sirius, I hope you know. I can’t believe I ever could have been one of them. That I was one of them. I only hope there’s still enough time to do some good. This is good that we are doing here, right?

Reg

I don’t know why I keep writing to you like I know you are serving. Hell, for all I know you could be dead in a ditch somewhere. I mean, I know James took you in when we still in school, but I guess I never knew what happened after. I’d like to think your still alive. After the day I’ve had I can’t take another dead boy.

Your brother,   
Reg

Sirius,

Better day today. I think we’re making progress or at least I hope so, who can really tell with all this fucking mud? 

I think a lot about what it would be like to see you again. I’ve imagined a thousand possibilities. The ones where you scream and tell me you never want to see me again. The ones where you don’t recognize me anymore. The ones where we both have too much to say and keep interrupting each other. I think my favourite is the one where we both don’t say anything and you just hug me. Everything we’re sorry for, all the years of hurt, somehow heals in that single hug and we get to be brothers again. True brothers.

I’m counting down the days til then.

Yours,  
Reg

Some days, I wonder if I tell myself mum hid your letters so that I don’t have to face the reality that you never wrote me. That maybe, the truth is you never even think of me anymore. 

Sirius – why did you leave me behind? Why didn’t you take me with you?

Did you know that mum never threw out anything in your room? She simply locked the door. Sometimes I think she did it because she hoped you’d come back. Other times I think she wanted to remind me of your betrayal. Honestly, I think she just wanted to see it all rot and hope that maybe you did too. We really lucked out with that one as our mum right?  
\- Regulus

Sirius,

It’s getting harder and harder to find paper out here. Some of the men have been kind to give me scraps of wrapping from gifts at home or whatever they have to write on. Others think I’m crazy to write to someone I’ve never talked to. Nate’s the only one who really gets it. He lets me prattle on about you for hours. (I know don’t go getting a big head) I think something in him knows what it’s like to lose someone who really matters to you. Someone you think you could have saved. But that’s not my story to tell. 

Remember when were kids and I used to get freaked out by thunderstorms? You’d let me crawl into your bed and you’d tell me is was “just a bit of thunder.” You used that a lot. Every time I’d flinch when mum slammed a door, you’d tell me “just a bit of thunder.” Whenever you’d come up the stairs bloodied and bruised and I’d be sitting in your room waiting for you, you’d smile no matter how much it hurt and tell me “just a bit of thunder.” That was before I shut you out. Before I stopped waiting to see how bad you’d been hurt. I hope you know Sirius I didn’t shut you out because I wanted you to be like us. I just couldn’t stand to see you throw yourself in harm’s way over and over again. I didn’t understand then what it meant to believe in something so greatly that you have to defend it in all costs. I believe in that now. I believe in you Sirius. That you’re okay, that we’ll find each other. I regret all the just a bit of thunders I missed out on because I could use one right now. Every time the guns go off and my hands start to shake again, I try to tell myself “just a bit of thunder.” But it’s no good, it isn’t your voice Sirius.

I’m getting less and less sure I’ll make it back home. If I don’t, please know I loved you Sirius. I always have and I always will. I’m sorry if I didn’t say it enough. I hope you’re living a brilliant beautiful life. It’s what you deserve Sirius. You deserve love. The love you never got. The love I know you think you aren’t good enough to receive. I know because we’re the same you and I. All I ever wanted was to know that you loved me Sirius. That I wasn’t alone in that hell we called childhood. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it now. In every thunderstorm and starry night, I’ll remember you.

Regulus

It was the early hours of the morning when Remus could finally scoop Sirius’ sleeping form out of the chair and put him into bed. Remus hoped he had beautiful dreams tonight. He deserved to sleep free from nightmares and regrets. It was one of the things Remus loved about Sirius. That no matter what he always believed he could be a better person, that he could have done better. Remus folded each of the letters carefully and found an old biscuit tin he could store them in. Maybe one day Sirius would share them with him, but maybe not. Some stories hurt too much to share. Remus had a feeling that this tale of broken brothers might be one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how much I loved putting together the letters for this fic. Also how much love Regulus and Sirius share. Plus how soft I am for Remus and Sirius. Are people still interested in hearing the end? If you're still out there thank you so much for being patient and I'm sorry again for making you wait! Comments and kudos always appreciated! You readers make it all worth it <3


	35. The Wars Inside Each of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's procrastinating her midterms by writing more fanfiction???? It's me... that's why this chapter is so long

The last few months had been long and difficult. Sirius rotated through bouts of impassioned anger at himself for leaving Regulus alone and for what he felt was ultimately leading him to his death and then periods of deep despair where he lay in their darkened bedroom for hours and refused to come out. Between making sure Sirius didn’t starve to death and helping Lily with wedding planning and his new job at the bookstore, Remus was exhausted. He was beyond lucky that Sirius seemed to be able to pull himself out of his funk to help him out to the woods and back after every full moon. 

That was, until it happened. Sirius was buried underneath piles of covers at home, not really asleep but not fully awake either. He watched the light shift through the thick curtains and waited for the sound of Remus coming home. The familiar turn of the key in the lock. Remus wiping his boots on the mat no matter the weather before kicking them off in a haphazard pile. Then his soft steady footsteps would come down the hall to check on Sirius. He still moved like a soldier, every step so intentional. Sirius didn’t think it was something either of them would ever lose. When any wrong step can be the end of your life, you learn to think about where you’re putting your feet down. 

But today the sun seemed to come and go, and this time it didn’t bring Remus with it. As Sirius pulled himself out of another spiral, he couldn’t help but feel that Remus should be home by now. Pulling the blankets around him like a cloak he rolled over to check the clock on Remus’ nightstand. It was after 8. Remus should have been home by now. In fact, he should have been home hours ago. 

Suddenly, it was like someone had found the loophole to his depression. Sirius’ heart started going a mile a minute as his brain cycled through all the awful possibilities. He tripped as he fumbled out of bed and tugged on the first shirt he could find as he made his way to the phone. It rang once, twice, three times before it was finally picked up.

“Hello?”

“Lils, is Remus with you?”

“Sirius?”

“Yeah, is Remus there?”

“Um, no. I met up with him on his lunch today to go look at some flowers, but I haven’t seen him since. Is everything alright?”

Noon. That was over eight hours ago. The shop closed at five. Remus should have been home by six at the latest if he had errands to run. Besides, he would have told Sirius if he was going somewhere. Had he told Sirius anything before he’d left today? No, no, Sirius would have remembered that. He would have, right?

“Sirius? Is everything okay?”

Sirius let out a choked sob. “I gotta… I gotta find Moony.”

“Okay,” Lily said and Sirius heard her yell something to James with her hand over the receiver. “We’ll meet you at the bookstore, okay? Wait for us there and we’ll look for him together.”

“Okay.”

“And Sirius? We’re going to find him.”

Sirius was almost to the bookstore when he heard a cough coming from the nearby alley. He froze. 

“Remus?” He called out gently and he heard a low growl that sent a cold jolt through his veins. He turned quickly and set off down the darkened alley. As he got closer, he could see Remus curled up next to some storage boxes.

“Oh my god, Remus,” Sirius said as he took off running towards him. He knelt down in front of him and went to reach for his hands. He barely managed to pull back as Remus went to swipe him across the face. And that’s when Sirius realized. His eyes. They were The Wolf’s. Remus face and side looked like they’d been hurt pretty bad, but his hands were also covered in blood and bruises. 

Sirius breathed in deeply and reached out for his hands slowly. 

“It’s okay Remus, come back to me love. I’m right here.”

Sirius watched as his eyes turned back to their soft green colour and Remus started to tak in what had happened and where he was. His hands shook as he took in the blood on them. 

“Oh god, oh god, Sirius.”

“It’s okay my love. I’m right here.”

And then Remus clutched onto him like he was the only thing that he knew was real. Like this world wasn’t really his but Sirius was, the one constant in the storm. And Sirius held back, wanting so desperately to be his anchor instead of a sinking ship. 

Eventually, Sirius helped Remus to his feet and they stumbled out of the alley and right into Lily and James. 

“Oh my god, when you didn’t show up at the bookstore, we got worried and we came looking for you. Are you okay Remus? What the hell happened?”

“Some guys jumped him on his way home.”

“Jesus,” Lily swore. “They didn’t hurt you too bad, did they? Do you need to go to a hospital?”

Remus shook his head quickly. “No,” he said wincing at the abrupt movement. “No, hospitals.”

“They got in a few lucky shots, but then…” Sirius trailed off, letting Lily and James fill in the blanks. 

James eyes flashed to Remus’ hands and Remus instinctively tried to hide the blood on them. He didn’t want them to see him as a monster. Didn’t want to have to explain why the blood wasn’t his. James and Lily knew he was a werewolf, but Remus was never sure how much about The Wolf Sirius had told them. 

“Okay, well, what can we do?” Lily asked, becoming more aware of James’ growing silence and tension beside her. 

“It’s alright Lils, I think I’m just going to take him home. Try a few healing spells, get him some rest. Maybe you guys could come over and check on us tomorrow morning?”

“Yeah, of course Pads, whatever you need.”

“Thanks Lils, and thanks for answering the phone earlier.”

“Always,” she told him. And then they watched as Sirius and Remus walked away leaving them feeling powerless. 

James and Lily sat at the kitchen table. Lily was brewing tea as it was clear that they wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight. James had been quiet ever since they got home. He was sitting at the table with his jaw clenched and was open and closing his fists around the empty mug was that sitting on the table in front of him. 

Seeing the two of them like that tonight. Remus, hurt and beaten, hands still covered in blood from a fight. Sirius, wearing a shirt backwards and looking tired and weak as if he hadn’t left the house in weeks. It cut right through to something deep inside of him. A feeling that he was failing them. Failing his brothers. But how could he really when he was barely holding it together himself some days?

The thing they don’t tell you when you enlist is that the war never really leaves you. It always come back to you in the worst moments. In the darkest ways. Every time you think it’s far enough in the rearview, you turn to see it has been beside you the whole time. There was so much they hadn’t been able to leave behind. So much, he wasn’t sure if they ever could. How do you move on from something so earth shattering? Something that radically changes everything about you? He thought of what Lily had said. Do wars really end or do they continue on inside of each of us?

“Penny for your thoughts,” Lily said as she tipped the teapot over James’ mug.

“I think… I think I thought we were all doing a little better than we are. Seeing the two of them today… like that. I think I knew Sirius was taking Reg’s death hard, but I don’t think I realized how lost he was. And Remus, I mean I know it was a random attack, but he looked like he was a thousand miles away. I wonder if he’s just trying to hold it all together because he doesn’t want us to see how badly he’s falling apart.”

Lily nodded as she slowly finished making their cups of tea. Trying to think of something to say that would make this all make sense. 

“Is it ever really going to be over, Lils?”

She felt her breath hitch in her throat as she realized James eyes were filling up with tears. 

“I don’t know James. I really don’t know. But at least we all aren’t fighting alone.”

She sat beside him and laid her hand over his. As long as they were home, as long as they were all here together. She knew that this was a fight that they could win. 

Sirius helped Remus the rest of the way home and settled him into the bed. He did his best combination of Muggle and magical healing to try and clear up Remus’ wounds. As he sat with a bowl of warm water and wiped the blood off his hands, he noticed that Remus refused to meet his eyes. How many times had Sirius held Remus as he came back down after a battle? How often had he tried to convince him it was all going to be okay? When he had stopped believing that it would be?

He stood in the kitchen, brewing a cup of tea. Unable to remember the last time Remus hadn’t done it for him. Unable to remember the last time that he’d eaten something that Remus hadn’t made him. He reached into the cupboard and found a slab of chocolate which he balanced under his arm as he finished making Remus’ tea. The chasm that had opened up in him when he saw Regulus’ letters was only growing deeper when he realized the hurt that he had experienced had made him blind to everything that was going on around him. He sighed deeply before making his way back to their bedroom. 

“Here,” Sirius said handing him his tea and then breaking off a slab of chocolate for each of them. “I hear extra chocolate rations helps boost morale.” He smiled sadly.

Silent tears slid down Remus’ face as he took the chocolate from Sirius’ hand. “I never thought I was going to have to feel The Wolf outside of a full moon again. I never… never wanted to feel that way again.”

Sirius placed a hand on Remus’ leg, knowing that there were some things too big for words to fix. 

“I…I hurt them Sirius, I told myself I was never going to hurt anyone else once I made it home.”

He could tell him that it was self defense. He could tell him that there are times in your life when you need to fight back. He could tell him that he would never have to hurt someone again. But he couldn’t promise any of those things, he couldn’t be sure he was right. All he could do was let Remus know that no matter what happened he would still be here. 

“Remus, I know, I’ve not really been… here lately. And you’ve been brilliant helping me get through all of this. But I was so deep in my own hurt that I couldn’t see yours. I’m not saying I’m in the headspace to fix it. I don’t know if I’d be able to take care of you when there’s still so much work I have to do on myself. But I want to try, if that just means the two of us staying curled up in bed and eating junk food and napping all day then I’ll be by your side. If you just need someone to hold or a shoulder to cry on no questions asked, I’ll always be by your side. I promised I wasn’t going to leave you Rems, and that’s a promise I intend to keep.”

Remus set his cup of tea down and nuzzled his head against Sirius shoulder as he nibbled on the chocolate. There was a lot of work to do. Healing wasn’t going to be easy process but at least they were going to be able to do it together. 

James and Lily were finishing up breakfast when the knock on the door came. James got up to answer it. Remus had called this morning and said they’d drop by later but that they needed to do something first. James didn’t pry, he hoped they’d all have more than enough time to talk this afternoon. 

Instead, when he opened the door, he saw an officer dressed in full uniform. Lily watched from the kitchen as his whole posture change. She watched him transform from a boy back into a soldier. There was mumbled voices and the man handed James some papers before they eventually said their goodbyes. 

“Who was that?” Lily asked as James returned slightly stunned into the kitchen. 

“They found Peter. They’re putting him on trial for treason and they want me to testify.”

Lily dropped the spoon she was holding which clattered loudly in the sink. James felt a tremor run through his phantom limb but worse than that was this sick feeling he had deep in his gut. Maybe Lily was right. Maybe wars never really end. 

“Come on slow poke.” Remus said as he finished doing up the buttons on his coat and putting on his shoes. The bruising on his face had gone down about with the healing spells but he still had a pretty nasty black eye.

“Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“No, but we’re going to miss our train if you don’t hurry.”

“Alright,” Sirius said as he gathered up the rest of things and followed Remus out the door. 

The train ride was long, and it was clear that wherever they were going it wasn’t in England. Sirius hadn’t been outside of the country since he came home, and the thought made him a little uneasy but more than anything he trusted Remus. They chatted with each other briefly but most of the ride was spent in a comfortable silence. They both had enough going on in their minds to keep them company. 

They got off the train and on to a bus, and Sirius wondered for a brief moment in they were running away to somewhere together before he realized where they were going. 

“Tyne Cot Commonwealth War Graves Cemetery and Memorial to the Missing.” Remus said as they came upon the entrance. “I know you’re not sure where Reg’s grave will end up being, but I thought this seemed like a good place to say goodbye.”

Sirius moved slowly through the front gates as rows and rows of smooth headstones unveiled themselves before them. Lost lives from The Great War, what was supposed to be the war to end all wars, and acres of open land for the graves to come. After some time, they came upon a statue of a cross with a long broadsword affixed to the front of it.

“The Cross of Sacrifice.” Remus told him. “That’s what Regulus did. He sacrificed himself to protect those he loved. To protect you.”

Everything in Sirius was heavy, like the world around him had suddenly turned to molasses and he was drowning in it. 

“Here,” Remus said pulling a pen and paper from his bag. “I thought you might want to leave him a letter.”

Sirius took the pen and paper from his hand slowly, as if someone else was pulling the strings. 

“I’ll give you some time,” Remus said as he gave him a reassuring squeeze and a quick peck on the cheek before wandering away. 

Sirius sat down on the ground in front of the cross. He laid the paper out in front of him and tried to think of everything he wished that Regulus knew. Everything that he wanted to tell him. In the end, he realized he only needed a few words.

I love you. I forgive you, and I hope you can forgive me too.

He folded the paper and laid it at the base of the monument. Then after months of fighting, he let himself cry as he said goodbye to his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouf. This one hurt. I definitely teared up writing it. Don't worry, everyone will be coming up for air soon. I promise this fic won't be so sad forever. Comments and kudos are always welcome!


	36. The Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang finally sees that no good son of a gun Peter Pettigrew again

Sirius and Remus changed into their formal military attire. As they turned to face each other, they both froze. Faced once again with constant memories they didn’t know how to begin to understand.

“Do you think I should cut my hair?” Sirius asked, finally breaking the silence. 

“I mean it’s technically not regulation, but I’d kinda like if you could keep it. I mean,” Remus blushed. “It’s kind of a testament to how long we’ve known each other.”

Sirius smiled, remembering how once upon a time the length of his hair had been a testament to something very different. 

“I think it’s still short enough that if I put it in a bun, I should be able to tuck it under my wedge.”

“Sirius Black, master of breaking the rules.”

“You know you love that about me,” Sirius smiled as he turned to try and fix his tie in the mirror. 

“I love that you think you’re the one in this relationship that has broken the most.” Remus teased as he turned Sirius to face him and straighten out his tie. 

Sirius turned back to the mirror one more time and wrinkled his nose. He looked so much like an adult, looking at his reflection he struggling to find the hints of the rebellious teen he once was. 

“You’ve always looked good in a uniform,” Remus told him. “Maybe when we get back later, I’ll let you break a few more rules.”

Sirius smiled but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. Remus paused, taking Sirius’ hands in his own. 

“Hey, are you okay? I know, I didn’t know Peter like you three did. So, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you today. James, Lily, and you. Whatever you need, okay?”

Sirius traced his fingers over Remus’ scars the way he liked to when he was thinking. 

“Let’s just get this over with, alright?”

Remus smiled and picked his wedge up off the bed as they made their way out the front door. 

James fidgeted with his empty sleeve for the hundredth time that morning. Usually he just cut or knotted the extra fabric, but he really didn’t know what the protocol was with his formal dress. Still, he hated the way it hung loosely from his side and was convinced that he was going to end up dragging it through something and making a mess of it. Then there was another part of him, a part of him that wanted to make his loss more apparent. Wanted to have Peter have to face what he had destroyed. 

“Ready, love?” Lily asked as she finished pining her hair back. 

James nodded because it was easier than saying no. It was easier than trying to explain that he was sure that he’d ever be ready to see Peter again. That he still didn’t know how you were supposed to move on from this type of betrayal. But he didn’t have a choice, he had to face this. It was like Sirius had told him that first night home, he couldn’t just erase the memory of Peter from their lives. They had grown up together. Trusted each other. Been there for each other through heartaches and broken bones. James would have thought that Peter would have been at his side on his wedding day, that he would have been Uncle Pete to his kids. Now, now James didn’t know what he was. 

They met Sirius and Remus outside the courthouse before making their way inside together. James quietly noted how the two of them drifted away from each other like some unspoken understanding passed between them. They made all the appropriate introductions and signed all the necessary forms before they were directed to where to sit. 

And then, there he was. Peter looked smaller than James remembered him maybe that’s just because he was walking so hunched over. He looked dejected and if James’ didn’t know better he would have said ashamed. James thought about the boy who had once been so full of life, who couldn’t wait to ride a broom for the first time or was so excited to help them smuggle firewhiskey into the castle that he blurted it out in the middle of the Great Hall. Where had that Peter gone? Had he hid the change that well or did James simply not see what was happening?

Sirius’ mind worked a little more in black and white. He had experience with people who were meant to care for you letting you down. Of course, that never made it hurt any less when it happened. He breathed in deeply and steeled himself to look at Peter. To take it all in, compartmentalize it in order to separate it and hope somehow it hurt less that way. 

Most of the trial felt as though they were underwater. They watched as first Remus, then Sirius, and finally James were called up to testify. Watching the other speak without truly hearing what they were saying. They wanted to avoid having to relive the pain of what had happened as much as possible. 

“Can I be candid with you for a moment sir?” James asked the prosecutor. 

Sirius, Lily, and Remus struggled to the surface at the sound of James voice asking such an odd question. 

The prosecutor looked to the judge who decided to allow it. 

“Go ahead,” the lawyer told James. 

“I understand that the penalty for high treason is the death penalty. I know this is for the safety of all citizens, but I also made a vow to myself when I enlisted. I chose to fight to protect those who had lost hope, people’s whose fate had been decided for them by people in positions of power. Private Pettigrew was not only a fellow soldier, he was also a friend. While his actions had unalterable effects on countless lives. Effects that I will continue to grapple with for the rest of my life, I ask you to consider life imprisonment as an alternate to capital punishment.” He looked across the courtroom directly at Peter as he said the next part. “I hope that the defendant will live long enough to see the error of his ways. That he caused the suffering of those who would have willing died to protect him. But more than anything, there has been enough bloodshed. Let us not take another life.”

Lily followed James’ eyes over to Peter. He was quiet and trembling, but more than that there were tears in his eyes. Yes, he had wanted power, but he was also scared. He had decided to do whatever it took to say alive. Even if that meant betraying the people who had once treated him as family. If he didn’t understand why that was wrong now, she hoped that one day he would. 

The lawyer concluded with his questions and James was allowed down from the stand and back to his seat. Lily smiled gently at him as she squeezed his hand. He kept proving to her over and over again nhw much he had changed. Kept showing him all the goodness that she knew was in his heart. Out of all of them, he had the most reason to want Peter dead. He was the one who was haunted by the memory of Peter looking back on him and choosing to leave. But still, no matter what, he couldn’t willingly condone the death of someone who had once been a friend. He owed Peter that last small kindness. To let him know that his hatred couldn’t destroy what was good in James’ heart. 

As they sat there, hands linked together, holding each other as Peter’s verdict of guilty with a sentence of life imprisonment was revealed, a feeling of calm washed over them. Yes, things were not alright. Yes, there was so much pain and hurt in their chests that it made it hard to breathe sometimes. Yes, sometimes the future was a lease they didn’t feel ready to sign. But, even when it was not okay, even on the darkest days, they could get through whatever it was because they had each other. People think we want them to heal our pain. Sometimes all we really need is to know that someone else sees it. Tomorrow was coming, and they were going to face it no matter how hard. No matter how long. They would get through each day: together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't at all how this situation would play so I took some artistic licenses here. How are we feeling about the story this far? I think we have about three chapters left now! Home stretch!  
> Next up some Christmas fluff to make up for the angst


	37. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this Christmas fluff written at the start of November? Why yes, yes it is.

Fall came and went and before they knew it, it was winter. Tea was supplemented with steaming mugs of hot chocolate piled high with marshmallows. Sirius went a little overkill with decorating their flat for the holidays and made sure to hand mistletoe in every doorway and nook he could possibly thinking of. 

When Remus would protest that he was cooking or had just woken up and his breathe was gross, Sirius would tell him “It’s mistletoe Remus, we have to kiss, I don’t make the rules.”

To which Remus would reply, “I thought you were a fan of breaking the rules,” before leaning in and kissing Sirius anyways. 

It was magical in a different way. In fact, magic for them had largely been reduced to healing spells and potions around the full moon. But they both liked it this way, there was something beautiful in the simple things, making a cup of tea and waiting for it to cool, flopping onto of a freshly made bed. 

James and Lily showed up on Christmas Eve with bottles of wine and matching pyjamas for the four of them and they spent the night laughing and drinking together in the living room, amazed at how far they had come. When Remus kissed Sirius, he tasted of cinnamon and the future. When James held Lily close, she smelt like pine and forever. 

James and Lily spent the night and were woken early by Sirius running around the apartment screaming “It’s Christmas!” from the top of his lungs. Everyone rolled their eyes, but in reality, it was nice to see Sirius so happy and bursting with energy. Excited to celebrate with the people who meant the most to him.

As the sun came up, they sat on the floor of the living room taking turns to open the presents that lay under the tree. 

Remus had gotten Sirius a leather jacket that had taken him months to save for and a stuffed Winnie the Pooh teddy. Both had earned him a hug that was more of a tackle and a peppering of kisses on his face until James started pelting him with bunched up wrapping paper to get him to stop. 

Remus and Lily ended up getting each other their favourite collections of stories and both we’re over the moon to have the chance to share and discuss them with one another. 

James had gotten Lily a new handkerchief, to which her response was that the other one would always be her favourite. She in turn presented him with a book of all the letters he’d ever sent her, which caused James to tear up as he turned through the pages tenderly as if scared he might ruin them.

Lily and Sirius both got each other cheap wine with the expectation that they’d share them one day together. Remus got James a small solar system model to thank him for the name Moony and James had got him some new teas and chocolates.

Soon, they sat around sated and sleepy with the living room coated in wrapping paper and all the presents gone from under the tree. 

“There’s still one gift left!” Sirius shouted eagerly as he sprung to his feet and pulled James up by the hand. “Didn’t think I forgot you, did you Moons?” Sirius said as he bent down to give Remus a quick kiss on the forehead.

As James and Sirius both left the room, Remus exchanged a nervous look with Lily who smiled back at him and sipped her mug of tea. Eventually, after what seemed like forever, James returned with a large, black dog by his side. 

“Remus, meet Padfoot.” James said gesturing at the dog beside him. 

Remus had always loved dogs, but he couldn’t lie that he was a little confused. “Sirius got us a dog and named it after himself?” Remus asked, trying to look behind James to see where Sirius was hiding. 

Padfoot trotted closer to Remus and sat down before putting his head in Remus’ lap. Remus reached out to scratch him behind the ears, receiving a loving lick on the hand in response. There was something about this dog’s eyes that were familiar somehow. 

“That is Sirius,” James said. “He became an animagus for you. Didn’t want to have to go through the full alone anymore.”

“Surprise!” Sirius said slowly morphing back into himself. “Prongs is in the process of getting all his paperwork filled out too. Then we’ll both be able to come with you or if I can’t be around Prongs’ll take you. And oh – oh you’re crying.”

Sirius was right. Remus had broken down into racking sobs and was burying his face in the ugly knitted Christmas sweater. 

“Rems? What’s wrong? Do you not like it?”

“No,” Remus said. “No, it’s… it’s all too much. I… I can’t let you all do this for me. You’ve all given me so much already. I’ve never had a friends, a… a chosen family like this. You, James and Pads, you’ve done so much to get me home. You protected me over and over again when you could have just walked away and left me behind. You all… you all accept every part of me. Even the parts that I hated, the parts that I didn’t understand. I never thought I would get to have this kinda love. I…” he looked back down at his toes. “I never thought that I deserved this kind of love.”

Remus looked out at them, James and Lily were curled up together on the carpet in their new pyjamas. James with a bow in his hair that Remus couldn’t quite remember if Lily or Sirius had put there. Gifts and empty glasses of eggnog were strewn everywhere and the tree was still glowing softly as the morning light came through the window. And then there was Sirius. His Sirius. Looking at him with such soft eyes, his new leather jacket looking ridiculous against his pyjamas. His long hair still messy with the remnants of sleep and bedhead. Seeing them all there, really seeing them and knowing that they saw him too set Remus off crying again. He had never known love like this before. 

Sirius’ lower lip trembled, he knew what it was like to feel unloved and unlovable. He never quite realized how deep it ran with Moony too. He got up and wrapped his arms tightly around Moony. His Moony. He held him tight with the hopes that Remus could feel everything in his heart. That nothing Remus could ask him to do would ever be too much. He’d give himself up, piece by piece if that was what Remus wanted. James got up too and coiled his arms around Sirius and Remus. Lily followed and joined in too. 

And Remus sobbed. Not because he was scared. Not because he was sad. But because he was happy. God, for the first time in his life Remus was entirely and completely happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took too long to write because I couldn't decide what they would all get each other for Christmas. Hope this makes up for the earlier angst. Comment and kudos always appreciated!


	38. The Night Before

“So, it all ends tomorrow eh?” Sirius says, tipping back more firewhiskey. He was tipsy but wanted to avoid being plastered. Lily would mostly certainly kill him if he showed up hungover to their wedding. Not to mention, it was a day Sirius wanted to remember, seeing his two friends bound to each other forever. 

James tossed a magazine at his head which Sirius failed miserably to try and avoid. “It’s not all over mate, stop talking like it’s a funeral.”

“I know, I know. It’s just damn, if you had told me this is where we were going a few years ago…” He trails off, certain he wouldn’t have imagined any of this but also unsure about what version of the future he would have seen. He probably couldn’t have dreamt of being this happy even in his wildest dreams. Of course, his best version of the future would have had Reg in it. 

“How are you holding up mate?” James asked as if reading his mind. “I know you and Reg didn’t always see eye to eye, but I couldn’t imagine losing you.”

Sirius stared into his glass trying to find the words. “I… I wasn’t okay for a long time. I think it took that night with Remus to really wake me up to how lost I was. For the longest time it just felt like I was falling, that night… I think I finally hit the bottom.”

James sat quietly. Years of living together had taught him that sometimes he needed time to say everything he wanted to say. Sirius had spent too long with his family either being cautious of his every word or throwing threats like they were punches. He had always done well with physical intimacy, always loved being cuddled or held, but words, that was always harder. 

“I was talking to Remus. I think I want to go and talk to Nate. He was the one who dropped off the letters. I’m not ready to yet,” he said pausing to take another sip. “But one day. One day I’d like to know more about who Regulus became. It might sound odd, but no matter what I’m proud of him, proud of him for getting himself out.”

“He had a pretty great brother to look up to.”

Sirius smiled sadly at the floor, “I don’t know about that.”

James slid closer to Sirius and rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Well you have one brother who is glad you were there to guide him.”

Sirius wrapped his arm around him, and they sat there in silence for a while. Just thinking about the world, their lives and the way that everything had changed since two young boys had stumbled together on that train years ago.

“I can’t believe I’m getting married to Lily Evans tomorrow.”

“Me neither,” Sirius replied. James pulled himself up to deliver a playful punch to Sirius’ side.

“Hey, I’m allowed to say that but not you.”

Sirius laughed. “I mean we were twats.”

James chuckled. “We were, weren’t we?”

“You know, I’m proud of the person you’ve come to be James. You taught me how to be a better person, I hope you know that. I followed you all over Europe because I believed in you. I believed you knew what was worth fighting for. I knew as long as I stayed by your side, I’d be doing the right thing.”

“Save the speeches for tomorrow you sap.” James said, trying to sound annoyed, but the smile on his face betrayed him. 

“You know you love me,” Sirius said cuddling closer.”

“I do,” James said planting a kiss on Sirius’ head. 

“I love you too Prongs. Who else would be dumb enough to become an animagi with me to look after my werewolf boyfriend during full moons?”

“Everything in that sentence sounds like it should be fake.”

“Besides the you being dumb enough of course,” Sirius teased, which earned him another playful hit to the side.

James groaned. “This is nonsense, it’s the night before my wedding and I’m curled up with my brother drinking.”

“Hey, you and Lils are ones who decided to do this whole spend the night before the wedding apart thing.”

“We didn’t decide.”

“What do you mean you didn’t decide?”

“It’s tradition.”

Sirius sat up so fast that he almost threw James off the couch. 

“Really? You’re going to hit with the its tradition line. You are aware of who you are talking to right?”

James opened his mouth to argue with him but then seemed to decide better of it. “So, what do you suppose we do?”

“Well, I say if you want to spend the night with your wife then we better go and find her.”

Sirius stood up and held out his arm for James to take.

“Shall we Master Potter?”

“We shall,” he said taking Sirius’ arm with a dramatic flourish. Then they left the apartment in search of Lily.

“Murder! Or Candyland?” Lily asked holding up the board game boxes.

“Can you even play Murder! with two people?” Remus asked.

“Sure, one of you is the victim and one of you is the murderer.”

“… I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Ugh, you with your rationality. Candyland it is then,” Lily said sitting down at the table and pulling the coloured pieces out of the box and laying the board flat on the table.

Ten minutes later, Remus and Lily were buried deep in the intricacies of Candyland, determined that their gingerbread character would be the one to win. 

“Remus, what are you doing? You should end up at the sticky spot.” Lily said, picking up his gingerbread figure and dragging him back a few spaces. 

“What are you talking about?” He said, picking him up and moving him back.

“Your card is double green.”

“What are you talking about? I got double blue!” He said, as he slammed the card down in front of her.

“That’s green you nitwit!” Lily yelled.

“No, it’s definitely blue.”

Lily opened her mouth to say something and then stopped. She got up from the table and started moving around the kitchen.

“Aw, come on Lils I don’t want to fight. If it’s going to upset you that much I’ll move back to the sticky spot.”

She kept opening and shutting drawers until she found what she was looking for. 

“Remus, what colour is this?” Lily asked holding up a mug.

“Oh, come on Lily, it’s just a game.”

He gave her a fiery look that was usually reserved for James. It was the one that told him that he was walking on very thin ice and that he ought to listen to whatever she was saying. 

Remus sighed. “Fine, it’s green.”

“And this?” Lily asked holding up an oven mitt.

“Also, green.”

“Remus, have you ever had your eyes tested?”

“Of course, I have. You have to get them tested before you enlist.”

“Did they show you any colourful dots?”

“Colourful dots? Lily, you really think the military is going to test me on my Candyland skills?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I think you’re colour blind you idiot.”

“Colour blind?”

“Yes,” Lily said setting down the mug and the oven mitt. “This mug is most definitely blue.”

“Huh,” Remus said. “I mean, most everything I wore growing up was made from wool. Then I had a uniform every day. Huh, I never thought about that before.”

“Do you think it’s a werewolf thing?” Lily asked.

Remus held back a small flinch, he was still getting used to being able to talk about this so openly with all of them. Even though James and Sirius took him out every full moon and Lily was waiting with a warm cup of tea and bandages for them when they came back in the morning.

“Let’s find out.” Lily smiled and with Candyland forgotten they made their way to the living room and half an hour later they were splayed out with books surrounding them everywhere.

“Merlin, this is all a bunch of prejudiced trash.” Lily said tossing another book on the ground after having no luck in finding any mention of colour blindness as a symptom.

“Yeah, I think most wizards go ‘Ah, werewolf run!’ Not, ‘Let’s test out his eyes to find out if he sees like a wolf.” Remus said from where he was lying on the couch with a book laid open across his face. 

“I thought this would be more fun. I miss being in school.”

“Me too,” Remus said glad that he had someone to share his studiousness with. “Wish I could have seen the Hogwarts library, heard they have quite the collection.”

“Oh they do, bunch of codswallop that they wouldn’t let you go. I’ll take you there one day.” Lily said flopping onto the couch opposite of Remus. She groaned loudly, “What time is it?”

Remus tugged the book off of his face so he could check the clock. “Quarter after eight.”

“What?” Lily said sitting upright. “I can’t believe it’s so early. Can be tomorrow already?”

Remus smiled. “I’ll try to not take offense to that, but it’s nice seeing you like a kid on Christmas.”

“It’s not the company. It’s just… I miss him, you know? I know that probably sounds ridiculous. But I guess, after spending so long apart it just seems silly to spend another day apart by choice.”

Remus understood, living without Sirius for so long and not knowing if he was okay was terrifying. He used to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes just to check that Sirius was still there, by his side and safe. He’d be fine if they never spent another day apart for the rest of their life. 

“Well c’mon then,” Remus said standing up and stretching. 

“C’mon where?” Lily asked.

“If you don’t want to spend tonight without James, you don’t have to. Bet they’re still sitting around ours, let’s go find them.”

Lily seemed to hesitate for a moment before getting up and grabbing their jackets. 

“You’re right. To hell with tradition!”

“To hell with tradition!” Remus yelled back and they left the house in search of James, trailing laughter in their wake.

They were almost to Remus and Sirius’ when they ran into each other. Lily burst out laughing at the sight of the two of them and ran to James before wrapping him in her arms. Sirius raised an eyebrow cheekily at Remus, who just smiled and shrugged in return. 

“Couldn’t spend a night without me?” Lily teased, smiling up at James as he planted gentle kisses on her forehead. 

“Lily Evans, I would give my other arm to not have to spend another day without you.”

They embraced passionately until Sirius interrupted them

“Right you two, save the vows for tomorrow, eh?” 

“Sod off Pads!” James teased. “Bet you two staged this whole thing so that you wouldn’t have to spend a day without each other.”

“Are you accusing me, James Potter?” Sirius said in a tone of mock hurt. 

“Actually, I’m accusing both of you.” James said with a pointed look at Remus.

“Oh! That reminds me!” Lily said. “We think Remus is colour blind.”

“Colour blind?” Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged. “Lily thinks it has something to do with my wolfishness. I think she just didn’t want me to win Candyland.”

Lily swatted him in the side as Sirius stared at him pensively. 

“Well, I think we should test this at once. You two have a lovely night, we’ll report back tomorrow with our results.” Sirius said as he grabbed Remus’ arm and started to pull him in the direction of their house. “What colour is that lightpost?”

“Black,” Remus said rolling his eyes. He twisted his head to look back at James and Lily and wave them goodnight. 

“Home then?” James asked Lily. 

“Yes, let’s.” Lily said as she leaned against James and they turned to head back home, listening as the sounds of Sirius asking Remus the colour of every car, sign or shop faded into the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! We got two chapters left after this kiddos! I can't believe I've been writing this for more than six months now!
> 
> Also fun fact: did you know that Clue used to be called Murder!  
> The things you learn when you do research as a fan fiction writer 😂


	39. A Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing weddings is hard. I want to simultaneously write every single detail and also skip to all the important bits. Hope I find a good enough balance and that you enjoy!

James and Lily’s wedding was beautiful. There were candles charmed to hang in the air and flicker in a way that made Remus think of fairies. White roses and baby’s breath were woven into vines that seemed to cover every surface with gold painted leaves accenting them. The months of preparation that they had put into the wedding was paying off. Remus knew all the long nights and stress filled days with Lily and James picking out every element were worth it the moment he saw Lily’s face when they walked into the decorated tent. 

Remus stood at James’ side watching how he nervously kept checking his suit over and over again. Straightening out every seam as if he was afraid that if his shirt was crooked Lily would run out on him. He’d chosen to wear his formal military attire for the wedding and looking around the tent with its roof charmed to look like the night sky, Remus couldn’t lie and say that he wasn’t in love with the way that Lily and James had brought both of their world’s together here. Muggle and magic existing together in perfect harmony. The same way James and Lily complimented everything about each other. 

The crowd rose and Remus cast one last look at James before turning his eyes to the opening of the tent and there was Sirius. Dressed in his military best. His hair tucked into intricate braids by Lily that morning who was now standing by his side. She held onto his arm gently. Remus couldn’t help but smile at how stunning she looked in her wedding dress, even though Sirius and him had both been there when she’d tried it on in the shop. The long sleeves wove their way down her arms. The heart shape cut of the bodice clung to her chest before blossoming out at her waist to pool out around her feet. The whole dress was made out of the most beautiful intricate lace that made Lily look like she stumbled out of the pages of a Victorian novel. The top layer of her ginger hair had been pinned back in a bun with baby’s breath accents tucked in gently. The rest of it came down in gorgeous waves that hug over her shoulders. Remus turned to look at James. Almost in tears, James jaw hung open as he watched her walk down the aisle. Remus knew what he was feeling because he felt it when he looked at Sirius too. The overwhelming feeling of wondering how you ended up here. Feeling every day that you must be dreaming because there was no way such a perfect person could be real and that you would get the unbridled joy of spending every day with them for the rest of your life. 

Sirius smiled and gave Remus a little wink as he guided Lily down the aisle, with her parents gone and the relationship with her sister strained Lily didn’t have blood family that would be attending the wedding. She said it didn’t matter though, she’d have all the family she needed. Sirius had been like a brother to her growing up and considering the fact that he was James’ brother too it only seemed fitting that Sirius should get to be the one to hand her off. Not because they needed his consent, but because it was a joining of his family. A union that he too in his own way was a part of. 

Once Sirius finished helping Lily to the alter, he came to stand at Remus’ side and reached out to give his hand a tender squeeze. Remus smiled up at him and thought to himself that he couldn’t be more in love with Sirius than he was right now. But of course, he’d had that same thought just last week when they were cooking dinner together, and the month before when Sirius had stayed up with all night when the aches from the full moon wouldn’t let him sleep. But if Remus got to spend the rest of his life being proven wrong, he would be more than okay with that. 

The minister completed all the appropriate introductions and then paused for Lily and James to give their prepared vows. 

James started, taking a deep breathe to centre himself before speaking. “Lily Evans. I am the luckiest man alive today to be standing here with you in front of me knowing that you want to be mine forever. When we first met all those years ago, I didn’t make it easy for you to like me. In fact, I made it almost downright impossible. But you, you made me believe that I could be a better person. If I get to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, I will be more than happy. We’ve been through pain and turmoil, loss and separation but our love crossed oceans. Our love fought its way through battlefields. Our love overcame. And I promise our love will continue to overcome for the rest of our lives. Through sickness, through bad days and good, through the days that we’re fighting, and you can’t remember why you fell in love with me at all, I’ll be there. And our love will be there too, and we’ll overcome together.”

Lily smiled brilliantly and let go of James hand for a moment to wipe tears from her eyes. The minister gestured for her to share her vows whenever she was ready. 

“James Potter. You brilliantly foolish man. You are my future. You are my tomorrow and every day after that. Your gentle kindness and humility never fail to astound me. Your capacity to love and care for all of those around you is why I fell for you. Your heart has a courage that I cannot describe. Every night we spent apart I thought of you, I thought of all the things I wanted to tell you. How much you were loved. How grateful I was to know the type of man who would refuse to see hatred and not act on it. I’m so glad that I’ll have the rest of myself to tell you everything I dreamt of on those dark nights. There was a time, I thought I’d lost you. So, I vow to always hold you close. I vow to never again let distance come between us, or anger, or fear. I vow to be by your side always. Through any war that may come, I know we can survive it together, with love on our side.”

It took everything in James to not lean forward and kiss her right then, to sweep her up in his arms and run out of the tent to their future together. But they’d waited this long, he could wait another minute more. 

“The rings?” The officiant asked and Remus reached into his pocket to tug them out. After handing them over he made his way back to his place next to Sirius and wrapped his arm around him as they listened to their friends say, “I do.”

Finally, beaming the officiant turned to the audience and said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

James practically leapt forward as he dipped Lily in his arms and kissed her deeply as she laughed against his lips. The crowd roared their approval and Sirius whooped loudly next to Remus whose face ached from smiling so much. They were finally getting the life that they deserved.

The rest of the evening was passing along in a blur, from cake to speeches to the reception and dances. Remus sat at his place at the head table watching Lily and James share their first dance. They stared dreamily into each other eyes and Remus was convinced that they didn’t know there was another soul in the room. 

“Do you want another drink?” Sirius asked sitting down beside him as he smiled up at their friends. 

“I’m good.” Remus said, and Sirius nodded. Truth was he was drunk enough on his friends’ happiness and on his own. He just wanted to drink all of this in. 

Out on the dance floor James beamed at his new wife. 

“How did I ever get so lucky?”

Lily smiled. “I ask myself the same thing every day.”

She turned her head and tucked it onto James shoulder, breathing in the smell of him. 

“Thank you for coming home to me,” she whispered. 

“Always, Lily. I’d take the moon out of the sky if I had to just to get home to you.”

As the song ended and the music picked up, other guests hurried to join them on the dance floor. Lily and James parted and made their way to Sirius and Remus. Sirius practically leapt out of his seat as James and him tangoed dramatically back into the middle of the room. And Remus groaned as Lily reached out to drag him to his feet. 

“Please Lils, I’ve got two left feet I’ll ruin your wedding photos.”

“No complaining,” Lily teased. “It’s my wedding, so you’ll do what I like thank you very much.”

It didn’t take long of being on the dance floor before Remus was laughing and moving along with all of them. Sirius tried to do a Charleston and immediately tripped over his own two feet causing him to practically swoon into James’ arms. It felt as this was just a celebration for the four of them. But soon enough James and Lily were dragged off to their other duties as bride and groom, Remus and Sirius joined them for wedding photos later on, making sure to take one joke photo of Sirius as Padfoot licking Lily’s face as she laughed. James in his animagus form, which had turned out fittingly to be a stag, leaned his head between them as Remus wrapped his arms around his neck. After finishing up the more formal photos, an exhausted Remus left Sirius on the dance floor and went to sit down and get himself another glass of water. 

“You must be Remus.” A voice said, James turned his head to see a good-looking man standing above him with a pretty young girl on his arm. He too was dressed in formal military wear, but Remus didn’t recognize him. 

“Yes, I’m sorry I don’t know your name.”

“Of course, sorry, Frank Longbottom,” he said holding out his hand to shake Remus’. “James and I met when we were in the POW camp, he saved my life. Took care of me every day when I caught an awful flu. Though you’ll never get him to admit it.”

“Frank of course, James doesn’t like to talk about the camp much, but I remember you. He and Lily went your wedding a few months ago, right? You must Alice,” he said turning to smile at the woman on his arm and giving her a courteous peck on the cheek. “Please sit.”

“I have to admit, you aren’t exactly what I was expecting.” Frank said as he and Alice sat down next to Remus. “The way James talked about you made you sound like some military god.”

Remus laughed, face flushing. “No, no, nothing like that. Hell, I doubt I was anywhere near the best commander out there.”

“He mentioned you weren’t much good at taking compliments either.”

Remus blushed again and took a sip of his water. “So, how did you two meet?” He asked, desperate to steer the conversation away from him.

Alice perked up immediately as she started to speak. “We went to school together. Frank practically followed me around like a lapdog for years. I was an art student and he said he needed help putting together better drawings for one of his inventions. Little did I know it was all a ploy to spend more time with me and that the invention would, quite literally, blow up in our faces. But it was all worth it, wasn’t it?” She said smiling up at him. 

He smiled right back and bent down to give her a quick kiss. 

“We’re hoping to save up and move to London soon so you might be seeing more of us.”

“That would be wonderful,” Remus said. “Always nice to have good friends around.”

“It really is, isn’t it?” 

Remus followed Frank’s eyeline to wear James and Lily were seated in a back corner. James leaned forward to feed her a piece of cake before promptly smashing it, frosting and all, onto her nose. She laughed before retaliating quickly. Remus didn’t know everything that had happened between Frank and James in the camp, but it was clear they made a bond that couldn’t be broken. It would be good to have more people they could rely on around. It was the only thing he missed from the war, the community and sense of family that came from being in a platoon. Maybe they could start to build their own community right here. A group of people who had risen from the ashes and found one another.

“Let me know when you two find a place, we’ll have to do tea some time.”

“Of course,” Alice said. 

“Who are you talking to Moony?” Sirius said as he came up to the table and gently placed his hand on Sirius’ shoulders. 

“Frank and Alice. Frank was in the camps with James, says he owes him his life.”

“Sirius, right? Nice to finally meet you, James talked about you so much I feel that I know you already.” He held out his hand to shake Sirius’ and Sirius pulled him to his feet and wrapped him a bear hug. Frank laughed.

“Thanks for taking care of him when I couldn’t.” Sirius said and Remus heart ached for him. 

“Of course, we all have to have each other’s backs, right?”

“Right.” Sirius smiled and pulled out a chair to sit down beside Remus. 

They chatted and talked with the Longbottoms until they finally had to leave. Frank had a big presentation coming up tomorrow and didn’t want to be too exhausted for it. They exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up when the two came to London. Sirius and Remus made the rounds talking to other guests and Sirius introduced Remus to James’ extended family. Remus had left him talking Quidditch with one of James’ uncles as he went to find a quiet place to sit down. He smiled sleepily as he watched his friends chat to their loved ones and knew he’d never get tired of hearing the sounds of their laughter echo back at him. If he closed his eyes, he knew he could pick out each of their voices from the crowd. 

“Aren’t falling asleep yet, are you Moony?” Came Sirius’ voice and Remus opened his eyes to see him standing in front of him. 

“Not yet, just tired.”

Sirius smiled, “Why don’t we go back to ours then?”

“Yes.” Remus said, taking Sirius hand as he stood up. Ours. Their home. Remus would never get tired of hearing him say it. 

“Hey, Lils.” Sirius said gently tugging her away from her current conversation with one of the guests he didn’t recognize. “Rems and I are going to head out if that’s alright?”

“Of course,” Lily said, quickly pulling James away from his conversation.

“Oh thank god,” James said as they made their way back to Sirius and Remus. “I thought I was going to have to talk about the history of broomsticks with him all night. Have I told you how much I love you lately?” The last part was directed to Lily with an adoring and grateful glance at her rescuing for rescuing him.

“What can I say? I’m your knight in shining armour.”

James chuckled softly and gave her a kiss on the cheek before turning his attention to Remus and Sirius. “You two heading home?”

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled. “Moony won’t admit it but he’s pretty beat.”

Remus gave him a playful nudge in the side, too tired to argue.

“Of course, you still want to do lunch tomorrow before Lils and I head off for our honeymoon?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Thank you for everything you two. Tonight couldn’t have happened without you.” Lily said, wrapping the two of them in a hug. 

“Not fair,” James groaned as he wrapped his arms around them too. “No group hugs without me.” They laughed and chatted for a bit longer before Remus and Sirius waved goodbye and headed for home. 

The second they were out of the tent Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus deeply. Remus smiled into the kiss and he parted Sirius’ lips gently with his own.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night.” Sirius told him smiling. 

Remus leaned against him gently, breathing in the scent of Sirius that always set him at ease. “Let’s go home.”

Lily flopped onto the bed at the hotel they rented for the night. “Oh my god, I thought all those people were never going to leave.”

“I know,” James groaned as he landed beside her. “Should have eloped.”

Lily giggled and gave him a teasing prod in the side. “You saying I put in all that effort for nothing?”

“Hey, I helped!” James protested as he rolled over so he was on top of her and leaned down to give her a kiss. 

“Have I told you lately that you look amazing tonight Mrs. Potter?”

“I’m afraid you haven’t. And that’s Mrs. Evans-Potter to you.”

“Of course,” James said leaning down to kiss her again. “I can’t wait to start a forever with you.”

“We already started,” Lily told him smiling as she ran her fingers through his hair and leaned up to kiss him again. “Years ago, on a train platform with a ring, a note, and a brushing of fingers.”

James wrapped his arm around her again. She was right, their story had begun years ago. This was simply the beginning of a new chapter. He couldn’t wait to write the rest of their story together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE MORE CHAPTER! ONE MORE CHAPTER! ONE MORE CHAPTER!  
> Thank you so much if you are still around, let me know what your thoughts are so far!


	40. An Enchanted Place

Sirius set down the two mugs of tea before sitting down on the couch next to Remus, who sat up to let Sirius settle beside him before curling up into him. He loved sitting like this with him, his head pressed against Sirius’ chest so that he could count every heartbeat. Every second that he was his. 

“They really did it, huh?” Sirius asked as he dragged a hand lazily through Remus’ curls. 

“They really did.”

And then they sat in the quiet for a bit. Everything was silent except for the occasional creaks and groans of the house and the steady sounds of their breathing. Sirius felt Remus growing heavy next to him and knew that he was starting to fall asleep. He leaned back against the couch and looked up at the ceiling. Tracing over the spiderweb cracks in the plaster and imagining they were constellations. He remembered dancing with Remus in the open air, sharing their first kiss on that grassy knoll, their first formal date with the flashlights propped up so they could see. Sirius thought about the way they fell in love under the night sky. That the stars and moon were always guiding them to each other, guiding them here where they could sit safe in each other’s arms. 

“Moony?”

“Mm?” Remus mumbled against him. 

“Does it bother you that will never be able to have that? The big wedding?”

Remus propped himself up next to Sirius so he could look into his eyes better, loving the way they shone silver in the light.

“No,” Remus said. “I mean, I wish we could. I’d love to scream to the whole world how much I love you. But having you here by my side… you’re my future Sirius. That’s all I need to know.”

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled as he bent down to kiss Remus on the forehead. “I think I was married to you the first moment we met.”

Remus moved to cuddle closer to Sirius and groaned when he got to his feet leaving Remus to flop onto the couch alone. 

“Come on sleepyhead,” Sirius said. “You’re not getting off that easy, I never got to dance with you tonight.”

Sirius flicked his way through their vinyl collection until he found the record he was looking for. He smiled as he slipped it gently out of its case and onto the record player before slowly moving the needle down. Remus beamed from the couch as he heard the opening notes to Isn’t it Romantic? fill their flat. The song that they’d danced to all those years ago. When Remus wasn’t yet ready to admit that the feelings he had for Sirius were anything other than annoyance. 

Sirius danced his way over to the couch and held out his hand for Remus.

“Dance with me?”

Remus smiled wide as he let Sirius pull him to his feet and into the middle of the living room. They intertwined their fingers together and he wrapped one arm around Sirius’ shoulder as Sirius wrapped his around Remus’ waist. They rocked together quietly to the gentle music as the sultry voice swirled around them, chests pressed flat together, Remus’ head leaning on Sirius’ shoulder. This was how he loved him best, without fear, reckless and with abandon, not caring who saw them because he knew that he could get through anything with Sirius by his side. As Sirius leaned his head on top of Remus’, he thought of the boy who’d boarded the train years ago not knowing what his future held or what direction he was going in. He knew now that as long as he was following Remus, anywhere would be the right place. 

And there dancing in the soft light of the kitchen our two lovers had found their Enchanted Place. And that my dear reader, is where we leave them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to end it with one more reference to Winnie-the-Pooh 😊. Writing the ending to this feels so bittersweet. This was my first multi-chapter piece and I really fell in love with creating this world and placing these characters into it. If you've made it this far, thank you so much for going on this journey with me and being patient when my update schedule went a little haywire. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the ending or this fic as a whole so feel free to drop me a comment down below or leave some kudos! So grateful for the encouragement I received along the way that helped me get here. Thanks again to all my dear readers 💜


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